Sunday, June 06, 2010

New York Invasion Pt 1 - Turbulence

Life is all about the choices we make and the time we make them. It’s about priorities and challenging consequences to catch up to our decisions. Obviously, I’m not very good at this aspect of life.

When I travel, the only thing I look forward to is the meals on board airlines. I like it. No, I believe I am in love with the idea of having airplane food. I know this puzzles you as much as homosexuality, but there isn’t anything better 17,000 feet in the air, unless it’s a complimentary handjob.

When I boarded my flight bound for transit at Narita Airport at 11.30pm, my primary concern wasn’t about the lack of decent in flight movies or that I didn’t get an isle seat, but rather if they were going to serve us supper. And when all we had was a bun, I decided sleeping was the best way to curb hunger and disappointment.

I woke up 4 hours later with an erection because they were serving breakfast. However, I also woke up with a slight stomach discomfort. Now, I weighed my options. I could,

a. Go to the toilet and delay my breakfast.
b. Hold up till I’ve had breakfast, then go to the toilet happy.

It was a decision that was so obvious, blind people all the way back in Singapore would have seen it. I was going to will my stomach into submission and celebrate it with noodles, a fruit plate and yogurt.

Half way through my course of noodles, I start having doubts about my decision. Perhaps, just perhaps I should have made the toilet trip before I started my foray into my consumption pleasantries.

The noodles are done, my stomach is in heavy protest but I ignore it anyway as there is a mixed fruit plate that awaits my attention. I take two slices of watermelon and look distantly at the yogurt. I might not make it to dessert. I need to take a dump.

Now, how am I going to get out when I’m at the window, have my tray still in front of me, and the guy next to me is munching away at his? I decide to wait, and pretend that my deep frown is from the movie I am pretending to watch.

When the flight attendant finally clears the trays, I make a dash for the toilet that already has a small queue formed. I am not too concerned, because if I can survive the rave club in Hong Kong, I will survive this with my dignity and pants intact.

Finally as I got in, my pants came off so fast I was decently impressed with myself. I don’t think I’ve had my pants off so fast without naked women to coax me. I give myself a pat on the back and fire away.

Suddenly, everything is shaking and my vision is in pandemonium. I think to myself, is this the feeling of liberation? Is this how it is supposed to be when you have a massive bowel clearance? Is this my stomach and anus rejoicing?

The shaking is massive, so great that I am thrown up from the toilet seat. Holy mother of Jesus, what the fuck is happening? I hear the trays shaking, I am being tossed from side to side, it’s so scary even my shit is refusing to come out.

It becomes clear now, we are experiencing turbulence, and from what it seems, very bad turbulence. I grip the handle to hold myself down, preventing shit from spraying everywhere. This is the only thing preventing me from clutching my hands together in prayer. Oh God, do you need to do this now?

The PA system comes on and it is in Japanese. I have no idea what the lady is saying so an entirety of possibilities race through my head.

What the fuck are you saying? Just fucking say it in English for once! Please! And is there a life-jacket under the toilet bowl as well?”

My mind was in places. You cannot imagine how difficult it is to be panicking and trying to coax shit out your ass at the same time, it’s like trying to kick a field goal in a wheel-chair. The only consolation is that she is reporting it calmly.

We are experiencing turbulence. Please return to your seats and fasten your seat belts.”

There is a knock on the door from the flight attendant requesting that I return to my seat. I am nowhere near done, so I ignore her. I assess the situation; if I head out, the overwhelming situation will terrify me and I will shit my pants anyway, hence, I am probably in the best place to be right now, with my pants down.

More knocks on the door follows, I respond with a mild ‘yes’. 3 minutes later, the turbulence has ceased but the knocks on my door has increased furiously. Maybe they are worried that I’ve passed out but I’ve diligently responded to their knocks have I not?

Sir? Excuse me sir?”

I am shitting!”

And then there was silence. Peace has been restored at last. When I got out, I saw the line had grown to about 6 other men waiting for the toilet. I guess they all shat their pants as well.


At 10:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i never seen anyone blog like u before, u r so freaking funny

At 5:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This made me laugh my ass off. No shit. :DDDDDD (pun intended)

At 9:37 PM, Blogger alaug said...

Laugh so hard I shit my pants

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