Monday, September 06, 2010

How To Lose Your Partner In 10 Ways - Pt 4

Sorry to have keep you in abeyance while I've taken a small sabbatical from the keyboard and lost a couple of weeks without decent enough events for me to re-ignite any interest to pen it down for laughs.

But before I get on with any tales of drunk revelry, I thought it best that I close up this long running chapter before I lose more literary merits to age - my birthday just passed by the way - and brain cells for a prolonged engagement with alcohol.

8. The TV remote

Not many women realize this but a TV remote controller is one of the most sacred possessions a man will have in his lifetime, much like his pink IC when he is 18, his car, an autographed soccer jersey and maybe an NDP goodie bag.

Most women also don't know that deliberately parting a man from his TV remote is a national felony recognised across all countries of the world, with the exception of Tibet and Alaska where television might not be invented just yet. And it is punishable with a tight master hand to the face and a knee to the gut.

Thankfully, men are merciful beings who generally do not extend this punishment against their perpetrator because women have discovered that cleavage, lap dances and blowjobs when executed with the right intentions, can be very persuading even for the most resolute of couch potatoes.

That said, women should understand that a man's bond with the TV remote is a madatory ritual phase that all men enter like their fathers before them, much like puberty, just with alot less stress, curiosity and embarassment. And to break that bond by taking it away from him or by changing his channels, is as sacrilegious as giving blowjobs as a substitute for Sunday communion.

Without his remote, a man loses his dignity and his best friend. His world begins to crumble because he will henceforth be stuck with the same channel as switching it manually would have become too tedious. And in time, his animosity towards you grows because he has lost that one tool that allowed him to escape your nagging.

A breakup becomes the inevitable event on the horizon that will be marked on the calender with considerable anticipation.

I had an ex-girlfriend who believed that it was her duty to filter shows for my viewing, which included a ban on watching wrestling. If I had stumbled upon it from channel surfing, she would take it upon herself to hold the remote for me, just so I will never glance upon that channel again. I celebrated her departure, needless to say.

9. World Cup

When something comes around once every four years, it should be revered as the a global phenomenon it is. Challenging it is about as dumb an idea as trying to pee at a tornado. Women should never try to make men choose between them or a World Cup match unless they want to set themselves up for disapointment.

You will never win.

You know that even if your man picked you, it was filled with resentment and regret and done so probably out of a calculated move that you would have been incessantly nagging at him had he not done so and he would never have enjoyed the match anyway because you would have laced it with so much emotional blackmail, he would not even be able to take a dump without feeling guilty.

World Cup was never meant to steal your boyfriend - or as recent viewersip demographics has shown. possibly girlfriend - but for the seasoned person, capable of seeing beyond this myopic and petty grudge with this male centric sport, they actually realize that this is a chance to showcase themselves as understanding partners, far surpassing the realm of young women with nothing more that short skirts, tight asses and a chestful of insecurities.

So if you want to still have a relationship after the World Cup, then this a time to perhaps start pretending that you are interested in watching grown men chase after a ball. After all, this happens once every four years, much like how often men will take you out to watch the sunrise after they are in a relationship, so embrace it.

10. Bad Sex

As we mature, we understand that love isn't just a canvas of doe eyed kisses, long talks on the phone and romantic dinners, but also an intricate fabric of sexual intimacy and that sometimes love just means licking your partners ass.

You see, while sex might not be paramount at the start of all relationship life cycles, couples grow to become less forgiving to flaws in technique and physique. A 3 inch penis might have been sufficient in the first couple of months when an orgasm might have been fuelled by a strong spark of passion, but as the relationship gets longer and the penis remains the same, it becomes a problem.

Taking 2 minutes to figure which hole he should be inserting in is a crime intolerable as pink cars and peeing in lifts are. Taking more time to wear a condom than actual sex including foreplay is also a herald to a relationship that will not last longer than Lindsay Lohan's jail stint.

If you suck at it, corrective measures should be taken immediately unless finding a new partner every 2 months is on your cards, of which tales of your suckiness would travel and soon the only one willing to fuck you is a hamster in heat, with a lot of steriods.

I once dated a girl who told me she believed in chastity and that sex was a gift saved for marital bliss. Not only did I know that I was never going to marry this person, I had also lost all prior interest in putting my hand down her blouse, and the erection.

If a virgin might have been what men liked before a relationship, then being a slut is what's going to keep the relationship going.


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