It's Called Pants

For all the merits women have been ascribed with, beginning with tolerance, faith, bitching and blowjobs, it's a pity that myopia is perched right next to them as if in vile mockery of all things good in women.

Women can thrill men with a flaunt of a falling shoulder strap, a jest tilt of her shortening skirt and even the overtly frequent use of cleavages still makes men forgive any stupidity they bring with it. And yet all these wonderful rights to being a woman still gets eroded and forgotten by them when you add alcohol into the equation.

I'm sure looking beautiful is paramount when you go out clubbing. It's not just the men you have to impress, but it's also the imaginary competition you have with every other girl in the club. Who looks prettier? Who has the nicest leg? Who looks cheap in that Dolce? Can I make fun of the piece of lard by the bar? Is any one keeping count on calories?

So fake lashes, barebacks, stiletto heels and mini skirts become your assets, when in reality they are liabilities. It's like planning to fuck a leper and hoping to come out of it fine, and maybe if you're lucky, have a kid from it that is such a genius, he makes Einstein look like an autistic monkey.

Do girls actually consider the consequences of getting drunk?

Look, it's really simple. If you are going out to have a crazy night with copious engagements with champagne or martinis, then at least plan for it. And I'm not even talking about having a proper meal before you head out or putting a condom in your bag. There is a simple solution to all that, and it's called, pants.

The only thing dumber than a girl getting pissed drunk, is getting pissed drunk in a skirt, because not only will you be losing a liver, your dignity is going out the door as well when you parade your ass for the world to see. If that happens, I hope you wore nice undies at least. What can be worse for your friends to find out that, not only are you a bad drinker, you also have bad taste in panties.

Just the other night, we were laughing when we saw a group of girls on a hen's night queuing for entry at Butter Factory. And I was laughing only because she was in a skirt that was so short even a midget could wear it as a thong, and I knew that she was going to end the night crawling out.

I'm not sure if she gave lap dances that night, but I'm pretty sure she gave a lot of upskirts because I saw her being dragged out by her friends and her panties were still showing. You can snigger if you saw, I think half of the adult population in Singapore did.

Do girls not know that prevention is better than cure, that consequence is always there to remind us of our decisions and that a myopic choice to wear short skirts once and get drunk is forgivable but twice just makes you either an idiot or a slut.

We've all seen it too often. Girls drunk by the side of the road and friends having a dilemma on protecting their modesty or making sure she doesn't choke on her own vomit. And passerbys are just confused on whether to laugh at their inebriated state or at the granny panties.

I'm all for girls or people in general to drink, because alcohol is essential to partying just as young alter boys are to Catholic priests. The word that I must bold - and I cannot believe I am saying this - is moderation.

If a guy passes out from severe inebriation and pees his pants, it's fine because it's the responsibility and in the nature of men to do stupid and embarassing things. Sure, he'll get laughed at for a couple of days, but he will go home and wank off to a poster of Megan Fox, or Michael J Fox or an Animal Planet fox poster, whatever. And he will be fine after that.

As much as we belive in equilateral rights between the sexes, you have to understand that there are just some things that are ascribed gender characteristics. Getting drunk and carried out a club is a male dominant gene, much like how nagging is dominated by women. Let's face it, women don't look as good as men in getting drunk.

If you know you are going heavy with the drinks, or even think that the night has any inclinations of imploding into a voracious cheer of alcohol, then start comprehending that high heels aren't your best friends when walking straight becomes a possibility lost beyond the recall of sobriety.

And short skirts? Only if you intend and can control your drinks with wretched moderation, or unless it is your intention to parade your newest Victoria Secrets purchases and hope that you make it to http://www.drunkmorons.com/.

If I had to write a slogan for pants, it would be:

"Protecting your modesty so that you can drink more" or "It might not look as good as a short skirt, and it's not as user friendly to pee with, but it's also alot more difficult to be raped in."