Saturday, November 06, 2010

Survival Guide # 1 - How to survive Thai Discos

The world as they say, is a battlefield. So how are we to get through life if we don’t have mace, a chastity belt or Chuck Norris? If you are lucky, it’s called a revolver. For the rest of you, thankfully you have me for your one stop survival guide.

How to survive Thai/Viet Discos?

It’s the new hangout for days that you need loud music and the clubs aren’t in operation. It ain’t classy but if you are looking for an adventure, then this is where you will find, decadence, vice, over-priced tequila shots and if you are really lucky, STDs.

1. Rejecting lady drinks

Women here generally make a living out of peddling drinks for tips. They are generally deaf because they don’t take no for an answer and they approach you with the best pickup lines. There was this one girl who came over because she said I sent her a signal despite the fact that I hardly even looked at her. I was convinced she was either a dolphin or a Nokia phone.

If saying no isn’t enough, you can move to another table. Do not even bother with an introductory handshake because trivial niceties are only signs of weakness here. If she still does not get the message, a quick jab to her throat should solve it.

2. Hanging Garlands

It’s about showing support to the dancers. It’s about status. It’s about bragging rights. But really, is there a point to this when it’s not like it gets you an instant orgasm. That money goes to better use like, paying taxes, Gucci or Toto. Don’t worry about charity, your $50 won’t save a life despite what they tell you.

If a dancer really likes you, you don’t need to hang a garland to get her attention. You don’t want to be competing with a horde of cash happy men who believe garlands can unzip pants faster. Let the others tip, whilst you enjoy the show. It’s not like they will stop dancing anyway.

3. Don’t be fooled by sweet talk

Girls there will butter you with so many pleasantries that they can make a 2 inch penis sound like Sea Biscuit. Don’t be fooled into thinking a couple of tequila shots will get them naked. Love is a commodified item you can get there for 3 tequila shots, or if you are really in a rush, you can get them to propose to you for $200.

4. Appreciating the scene

The best way to digest these bars is with a drink at a corner of a bar, where you can appreciate all the clockworks of the place from a safe distance. It’s like a meat market, where people peddle shots, morals and themselves.

You can join the fray if you wish to, because what fun is there in staying sober because we all know that with enough alcohol, everything is a good idea. Just remember, if you are ever in doubt, more vodka usually solves the problems. After all, alcohol is the solution to all problems.

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