If You Can't Dance

If good dancing is akin to being good in bed, then you’d better stock up on your rabbits, good lube and porn, ‘cos from what I see at clubs, your future partner is less likely to perform than midgets in a 100m sprint.

You’ve complained to your girl-friends before, about that guy next to you that is jumping around off beat and the ones that look like they just had their hips operated on.

I’d say about 80% of Singaporeans CAN’T dance. You can disagree with me, but you are wrong.

When I was in Taiwan, the people at the clubs made it look as if Hip Hop dancing was a compulsory curriculum in school, because everyone looked like they were auditioning for Missy Elliot's new music video. Here, you’d be thankful enough that they don’t fall off stage or jab you in the eye while flailing their arms in the air, hoping to catch the beat.

Here’s what you should NEVER do if you can't dance.

1. Form circles

If you can’t dance don’t even be on the dance floor, let alone form circles with your equally handicapped friends. It’s one thing if you are actually good, but when all of you suck, it just looks like a primal mating ritual. Unless the one in the middle is going to get gang banged, you are just wasting space. Just stick to your LAN games.

There are only 2 dances that should be allowed the authority to form circles; Break dancing and the Melbourne Shuffle. Everything else should be banned or unless I say so.

What really is the purpose of you forming circles? It’s a hallmark of social delusion. You can’t dance and your friends are cheering you on. What sick friends would do this to you?

2. Dance on the podiums

There was this girl who was so horribly bad she was so good at dancing entirely off beat. Which actually deserves some commendation, since consistently missing every beat is almost impossible if you have ears.

Every time I’m down at Zouk on Mambo nights, it never ceases to amaze me how people are still clinging on to the 90s. If you can’t dance and you try really hard, you will be laughed at.

Unless you are really hot, you should never even shuffle your feet if you can’t dance. Conversely, if you are hot, you can get away with anything, even bad dancing. Just remember to fling your bra into the crowd when you are done just so there’s something to appease an angry mob and you won’t get your ass whooped.

3. Dress the part you are not.

If you can’t decently move in sync with the music, then go to clubs wearing as casual as possible so that no one pays you any attention. This is paramount since you should be slitting your wrist quietly at a corner. Drop the caps, the bling blings and da’ attitude. The last thing we need is an Usher wannabe tap dancing to hard bass.

4. Draw Attention to yourself

Do not even utter a word, sneeze or stand near the bar. Occasional breathing is fine, so long as your presence disturbs no one. Slowly move into a small corner and stay there. If you don’t dance, there is no point in you being at the club. And if you can’t dance, your only reason to be there is to buy me drinks.


However, if you don’t have the flow, these are what you SHOULD do.

1. Make out.

Last night at MoS, this couple was practically fucking on the dance flooring. We stood there laughing as the guy was doing everything from grabbing her boobs to fingering her through her jeans. That was until the boucer broke up the show.

I don’t normally encourage such public display of desperation, neither would I usually allow any of my dates in a club to kiss me. Unless of cos I’ve made a visual confirmation that no one else with a 10m vicinity is worth my time. However, nothing beats watching couples tear into each other’s mouth. The inevitable necking and cupping just waives my depression from watching bad dancing.

You may suck at dancing, but as long as you’re replicating a venereal sideshow for my entertainment pleasure, it’s fine by me. It’s indecorous on the measure of club ethics, but salacity should never be bounded by codes of conduct. If you can’t dance, at least thrill me with your prurient exposition.

2. Dirty Dance.

Bad dancing is unacceptable, but bad dirty dancing isn’t. Just the other night I laughed my ass off watching this girl’s rendition of dirty dancing. I had a hard time wondering if she was legitimately masturbating or trying to kick a football.

She was trying to doing everything at once. Grope her boobs while flicking her hair and trying to stay in rhythm. If you threw plates at her, she might have juggled it while tying her shoe-laces. The only thing that exacerbated this lampoon on erotica was that if she had buns for arms, she’ll pass of as a hot dog.

As much as she was horrible, she was absolutely entertaining and the crowd of mainly blind Caucasians kept feeding her with enough encouragement to trade in self-respect. What do I do when there’s an ugly girl on stage? I cheer her on. The only thing better than me laughing at them, is EVERYONE else laughing.

3. The feet tap and head bob.

Practice it quietly first, somewhere no one is looking. If you can’t tap to the beat, you can forget about bobbing your head. These are the primarily basics to disguise your lack of aptitude to rule the dance floor. Tapping gives that nonchalance excuse for not dancing and if you actually do it well enough, other nerds might actually think you’re cool.

4. Drink A LOT

Since you can’t dance, might as well kill yourself. And what better way to do it than through your liver. Besides, drinking is a ruse to not dance since drunkards should never be 2m from a couch to fall back on.

Drinking is one way to impress people. When I was at the pinnacle of my drinking prowess, I scared the shit out of people from the way I drank. 1 year ago, I’d have taken 10 shots a minute each. I get snubbed at free flow bars and I’ll drink anyone broke. The most I drank in a night was in Adelaide and that was one night of madness I will never attempt to emulate again. The aftermath of it was a reputation I’d have pinned to my collar. I would be known by them as, “The one without a liver”.

6 months on and an obedience to the doctors words, I’ve drastically cut down on the juice. My mum nags at me, close friends constantly remind me and she pleads to me. I’m finally beginning to acknowledge the term ‘moderation’ as a legitimate word in the dictionary.

5. Strip

Need I say more? But only if you are a girl.