How to Propose

One day you’ll take the plunge and leave bachelorhood a thank you note, then ride into the sunset with your bride in your dream mobile, a Nissan Sunny.

Yes, reality is hardly ever as picture card pretty as you imagine. It’s dreadful enough to have to be in a relationship, but planning a proposal and making sure she/he accepts it is a whole new ball game. Thankfully, I have it all covered…

Picking the right place

You’ve heard it, Hollywood has depicted it and failures excuse themselves by it. The ambience, the mood, the concocting chemistry. Call it what you may, but just as how retro music makes you retarded, picking the right place effectively boosts your success rate.

Here are some suggestions,

1. Rock concerts.

Nothing beats having to out scream everyone to get your paraphrased proposal recited. The plus point is that if you get rejected, you can hurl vulgarities at him/her like it’s going out of fashion and still get away with it.

If they happen to lip read and get offended, you can jab them in the throat and blame it on adrenaline. People aren’t suppose to lip read anyway, it’s rude.

2. Mount Faber

What better place with a kaleidoscope of factors. Ambience, light breeze, Ades mosquitoes and strewn condoms gift wrapped in tissue by the bushes. All they need is a chapel next to Jewel Box and Elvis waiting for you by the door.

If you do manage to fuck it up, you can always drive off and leave them behind. You’ll suffer a bruised pride and tarnished chivalry, but they’ll be at least $3 poorer from having to call a cab.

I say it’s worth it.

3. Sentosa

You’ll be at least $2 poorer before your proposal even kicks in. Which is the perfect last line of measure to remind you what marriage will be like; An inevitable waste of money.

4. Crowded diners

Teamwork can be applied effectively to increase your chances of successfully ending the best thing to ever happen to you, bachelorhood.

Proposing in a crowded restaurant on Valentines day when hordes of couples are present will benefit everyone, one way or the other.

If she/he rejects your proposal, there is only one thing they should expect. A good ass whooping, right infront of everyone. This is a paramount reaction to arrest rejection. By beating them senseless, with the barstool if necessary, you actually send out a warning to everyone else who is about to be proposed to.

Sure, you'll be hated by your date, but you'll be revered and worshipped by everyone else planning to propose. Nothing beats self sacrificing.


Picking the right time

1. Over Steak.

Any dinner setting with a steak knife is sufficient. Forget candles and romantic mise-en-scenes. Too much of that ambience lulls them into believing you’re a pussy. Just to ensure that they know you mean business and that you won’t take no for an answer, wail incessantly about your disdain for setbacks and periodically comment on how sharp your steak knife is.

I’ll also help if you are a trained ninja like me in throwing butter knives and forks.

2. During a blowjob.

Nothing beats sexual blackmail. People are most vulnerable during foreplay, especially since guys only have one head during then. You’ll have the battle won if you keep it under wraps. (pun intended).

Guys only have a one tracked mind during oral, and it involves that climatic explosion. The attainment of such nirvana-like trance, clouds our judgement on decision making since everything is a good idea. Even marriage.

Short term gratification and a lifetime of regret. If I was Mother Goose, the continuing fairytale to Cinderalla and all other Disney whores will be inked with promiscuity and thorough regret.

3. Post PMS

If you propose when she’s having a heavy flow, you are asking for an ass whooping. Hormone imbalance results in absolute irrationality and the caprice of a chronic schizo. I’ve been lashed out at for asking for tissue, just imagine what will happen if you ask them for their hand.

Doing it right

1. Bended knees

It's almost mandatory to be on bended knees. Not because it's romantic, but it cos it gives you good leverage to deliver a jaw breaking uppercut if she should turn you down.

2. Size does matter

As long as the rock is bigger than your ego, you’re pretty safe. I had this friend who proposed with a straw ring courtesy of MacDonalds because some movie made it look romantic. What an idiot. The girl accepted it. What a bigger idiot.

Taking rejections

1. Whoop ass

They should expect a bedlam of flying kicks and bodyslams if they choose to turn you down. Nothing beats showing displeasure than through violence. There really isn’t anything else you can do. Except leave them with something to remember u by. I’d suggest a punctured kidney.

Well, you can disagree, but you’re wrong.