Friday, January 05, 2007

How to Propose

One day you’ll take the plunge and leave bachelorhood a thank you note, then ride into the sunset with your bride in your dream mobile, a Nissan Sunny.

Yes, reality is hardly ever as picture card pretty as you imagine. It’s dreadful enough to have to be in a relationship, but planning a proposal and making sure she/he accepts it is a whole new ball game. Thankfully, I have it all covered…

Picking the right place

You’ve heard it, Hollywood has depicted it and failures excuse themselves by it. The ambience, the mood, the concocting chemistry. Call it what you may, but just as how retro music makes you retarded, picking the right place effectively boosts your success rate.

Here are some suggestions,

1. Rock concerts.

Nothing beats having to out scream everyone to get your paraphrased proposal recited. The plus point is that if you get rejected, you can hurl vulgarities at him/her like it’s going out of fashion and still get away with it.

If they happen to lip read and get offended, you can jab them in the throat and blame it on adrenaline. People aren’t suppose to lip read anyway, it’s rude.

2. Mount Faber

What better place with a kaleidoscope of factors. Ambience, light breeze, Ades mosquitoes and strewn condoms gift wrapped in tissue by the bushes. All they need is a chapel next to Jewel Box and Elvis waiting for you by the door.

If you do manage to fuck it up, you can always drive off and leave them behind. You’ll suffer a bruised pride and tarnished chivalry, but they’ll be at least $3 poorer from having to call a cab.

I say it’s worth it.

3. Sentosa

You’ll be at least $2 poorer before your proposal even kicks in. Which is the perfect last line of measure to remind you what marriage will be like; An inevitable waste of money.

4. Crowded diners

Teamwork can be applied effectively to increase your chances of successfully ending the best thing to ever happen to you, bachelorhood.

Proposing in a crowded restaurant on Valentines day when hordes of couples are present will benefit everyone, one way or the other.

If she/he rejects your proposal, there is only one thing they should expect. A good ass whooping, right infront of everyone. This is a paramount reaction to arrest rejection. By beating them senseless, with the barstool if necessary, you actually send out a warning to everyone else who is about to be proposed to.

Sure, you'll be hated by your date, but you'll be revered and worshipped by everyone else planning to propose. Nothing beats self sacrificing.

Picking the right time

1. Over Steak.

Any dinner setting with a steak knife is sufficient. Forget candles and romantic mise-en-scenes. Too much of that ambience lulls them into believing you’re a pussy. Just to ensure that they know you mean business and that you won’t take no for an answer, wail incessantly about your disdain for setbacks and periodically comment on how sharp your steak knife is.

I’ll also help if you are a trained ninja like me in throwing butter knives and forks.

2. During a blowjob.

Nothing beats sexual blackmail. People are most vulnerable during foreplay, especially since guys only have one head during then. You’ll have the battle won if you keep it under wraps. (pun intended).

Guys only have a one tracked mind during oral, and it involves that climatic explosion. The attainment of such nirvana-like trance, clouds our judgement on decision making since everything is a good idea. Even marriage.

Short term gratification and a lifetime of regret. If I was Mother Goose, the continuing fairytale to Cinderalla and all other Disney whores will be inked with promiscuity and thorough regret.

3. Post PMS

If you propose when she’s having a heavy flow, you are asking for an ass whooping. Hormone imbalance results in absolute irrationality and the caprice of a chronic schizo. I’ve been lashed out at for asking for tissue, just imagine what will happen if you ask them for their hand.

Doing it right

1. Bended knees

It's almost mandatory to be on bended knees. Not because it's romantic, but it cos it gives you good leverage to deliver a jaw breaking uppercut if she should turn you down.

2. Size does matter

As long as the rock is bigger than your ego, you’re pretty safe. I had this friend who proposed with a straw ring courtesy of MacDonalds because some movie made it look romantic. What an idiot. The girl accepted it. What a bigger idiot.

Taking rejections

1. Whoop ass

They should expect a bedlam of flying kicks and bodyslams if they choose to turn you down. Nothing beats showing displeasure than through violence. There really isn’t anything else you can do. Except leave them with something to remember u by. I’d suggest a punctured kidney.

Well, you can disagree, but you’re wrong.


At 12:12 PM, Blogger sÞ¡ηηєє said...

rofl!! that's a very good guide u have there.

have a good time in phuket. hope this trip can wash away your 'bad luck'.. *wink*

At 12:33 PM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

Wat a dumb ass. Accepting the straw ring means treat me like grass= trample on me!!!

At 4:41 PM, Blogger Luxe Coach Purses said...

Burberry Factory, The North Face Outlet, Coach Outlet, Barbour Outlet, Abercrombie & Fitch Sale, Burberry Outlet, Chanel Outlet Online, Calvin Klein Clothes, Gucci Bags Outlet, Marc Jacobs Handbags, MCM Outlet, Gucci Shoes Outlet, Kate Spade Outlet, Louis Vuitton Outlet, Louis Vuitton Shoes Outlet, Tommy Hilfiger Outlet Store,Michael Kors Outlet Online,Moncler Clearance, North Face Jackets Clearance, North Clearace Outlet, Oakley Sunglaases Factory, Michael Kors Outlet, Prada Shoes Outlet, Polo Outlet Store, Polo Outlet Store, Ralph Lauren T Shirts, Longchamp Outlet, Coach Factory Outlet Online, Barbour Jackets Outlet Online, Beats By Dre Outlet, Ralph Lauren UK, Ugg Boots Outlet, Nike Jordan Shoes,Coach Store OnlineMoncler Jackets Outlet Online, Polo Outlet Online,Salvatore Ferragamo Outlet,Tommy Hilfiger Outlet,North Face Jackets Clearance,Ugg Boots Clearance,Tory Burch Handbag Outlet,Uggs Boots Outlet,Discount Ugg Boots

At 11:18 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

louis vuitton, oakley sunglasses, ugg boots, oakley sunglasses, nike outlet, prada handbags, ugg boots, michael kors outlet, kate spade outlet, ray ban sunglasses, louis vuitton outlet, uggs on sale, oakley sunglasses, christian louboutin outlet, ray ban sunglasses, tiffany and co, michael kors outlet, oakley sunglasses, gucci outlet, tiffany jewelry, michael kors, michael kors outlet, louboutin shoes, louis vuitton, michael kors outlet, polo ralph lauren outlet, ugg boots, replica watches, burberry outlet online, cheap oakley sunglasses, jordan shoes, nike air max, nike free, longchamp, replica watches, nike air max, chanel handbags, michael kors outlet, louboutin, louis vuitton outlet, burberry, louis vuitton

At 11:21 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

louboutin pas cher, coach purses, hogan, michael kors, sac longchamp, lacoste pas cher, true religion jeans, vanessa bruno, abercrombie and fitch, coach outlet, sac guess, hermes, ralph lauren pas cher, coach factory outlet, michael kors, lululemon, nike blazer, nike air max, nike free, ralph lauren uk, air force, new balance pas cher, air jordan pas cher, true religion jeans, converse pas cher, nike roshe, north face, true religion jeans, ray ban pas cher, vans pas cher, nike roshe run, michael kors, michael kors, ray ban uk, nike free run uk, oakley pas cher, hollister pas cher, nike air max, nike air max, timberland, kate spade handbags, tn pas cher, coach outlet, longchamp pas cher, air max, north face, mulberry, burberry, true religion outlet, hollister

At 11:24 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

babyliss, north face outlet, north face outlet, giuseppe zanotti, s5 cases, nike roshe, louboutin, baseball bats, valentino shoes, beats by dre, ferragamo shoes, iphone 6 plus cases, ipad cases, bottega veneta, iphone 6s cases, hollister, mont blanc, nike huarache, birkin bag, iphone 6s plus cases, chi flat iron, vans shoes, nfl jerseys, soccer shoes, mcm handbags, hollister, abercrombie and fitch, instyler, timberland boots, lululemon, ralph lauren, new balance, soccer jerseys, celine handbags, jimmy choo shoes, herve leger, nike trainers, reebok shoes, iphone cases, insanity workout, oakley, p90x workout, longchamp, wedding dresses, asics running shoes, iphone 5s cases, iphone 6 cases, nike air max, ghd, mac cosmetics

At 11:28 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

ugg boots uk, converse outlet, lancel, gucci, swarovski crystal, hollister, barbour, moncler, nike air max, canada goose outlet, links of london, ugg pas cher, converse, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, barbour jackets, pandora charms, pandora charms, sac louis vuitton pas cher, pandora jewelry, vans, louis vuitton, moncler, canada goose, swarovski, canada goose uk, juicy couture outlet, canada goose, karen millen, moncler, louis vuitton, canada goose outlet, louis vuitton, moncler, canada goose, coach outlet, michael kors outlet online, montre pas cher, michael kors handbags, supra shoes, toms shoes, wedding dresses, moncler, doke gabbana outlet, moncler, louis vuitton, pandora jewelry, juicy couture outlet, ugg,uggs,uggs canada

At 11:28 AM, Blogger raybanoutlet001 said...

new york knicks
los angeles lakers
michael kors handbags outlet
cheap mlb jerseys
the north face outlet
replica watches
true religion jeans
san antonio spurs
michael kors handbags outlet
polo ralph lauren outlet

At 9:07 AM, Blogger chenlina said...

oakley sunglasses
cheap oakley sunglasses
mac cosmetics
tory burch outlet
adidas outlet
hermes outlet
fitflop shoes
dior sunglasses
tory burch sale
moncler uk

At 10:37 AM, Blogger raybanoutlet001 said...

kate spade outlet
nike air huarache
jordan 4
issey miyake perfume
coach outlet
ralph lauren uk
canada goose outlet
canada goose outlet

At 10:38 AM, Blogger love88 said...

0619jejenike outlet store
coach outlet
hugo boss sale
adidas football soldes
longchamp outlet
off white outlet
ray ban eyeglasses
ralph lauren outlet


Post a Comment

<< Home