Monday, December 04, 2006

The Laws of the Butterfly part 2

7. Gargling is a waste of time

Which ever Grandmother ever said gargling salt water helps coughing ought to be elbowed in the face, then punched in the groin.. twice.

I don’t care if you have water from the Dead sea in your mouth, your cough is not going to be cured just because you’re blowing bubbles. How is gargling supposed to help ameliorate my recovery?

There’s only one remedy to coughing. A quick jab to the throat, self-administered or external assistance. Sure, you’ll be gagging in pain, but at least you won’t be coughing. Best done with brass knuckles.

8. Never treat your date too nice

I’ve said this before. If you open the door for them today, they are going to expect you to wipe their ass tomorrow.

Never start out beyond your comfort level because guys tend to slack up periodically, usually in direct relation to a girls effort in dolling up. Rule of the thumb.

Make up, shorter skirts and more cleavage = more doors being opened (physically and metaphorically)

End the date with a handshake. If they were pretty interesting on the first date, you can give them a pat on the back as well. If they are drunk, you are allowed to cope a feel, ONLY if she’s hot. Say nice things like, “Hope to see you again. Dinner was nice, maybe you can pay next time.”

Chivalry is dead.

9. Say No to Communism

It’s simple. People who are clearly unequal, do not deserve equal chances. If you are fat, stupid or ugly, you will be laughed at. Call it hegemony, but it’s a known fact that good-looking people have power.

Yes tell me I’m superficial again and spare me the hate mail cos I have to frown through your bad writing. Writing entries these days is an elucubration since time is no longer a luxury I can afford.

Hail the Capitalist mantra since it’s a proven mechanic to social advancement. If you disagree with me on this, you’re not only wrong, but you must be fat or ugly. Seriously, do you think people really care how many A’s you had? Success is how many heads you turn in a club and paying your own drinks with your UOB Lady’s card.

The only jobs available to these people (FUS- fat, ugly, stupid) are mail room jobs. I don’t care if you have a Harvard Law degree, if you’re a Whale, you will start off with licking stamps in the mail room. Until you slim down will you then have your first case. If you go into the court room as a Whale, you are going to get charged for immoral public display of cellulite. If the judge knows what’s good for society, he’ll throw your ass in jail.

10. The Sex Laws

I whore myself to carnal pleasantries and my appetite for gratification is beyond the recall of logic. Yet, I have a pillar of rules we both need to abide by, or at least try to.

A. No Whales, men in disguises or unshaven armpits.
B. No vulgarities like, “love you”, “stop” or “pregnant”
C. No screaming unless I say it’s ok. The last thing I need is my mum charging in with pepper spray
D. No pseudo porn moaning and no calling my name. My mandarin name especially. I will lose the erection faster than a midget can touch his toes.
E. If anyone knocks at my door at 4am, you are climbing out the window.
F. Sleeping with you doesn’t mean I’m sending you home.
G. Do not ask me why the red light on my webcam is flashing and pointed straight at you.
H. If I take longer than 4 secs to undo the bra, help me out or risk buying a new one.
I. With reference to the above, if the hook is in-front, pre-empt me.
J. No talking mid way. Especially on politics.
K. No commenting about my tattoos.
L. No giggling. The last time someone did that, she turned out to be a mother.
M. Name calling is subject to approval. I will always address you as “Eh”.
N. No crying. If sex was marvelous, a kind donation on the way out will do.
O. No tearing of condoms.
P. No strangling. I only need to try snuff once. If you pull a stunt like that, I will bodyslam your ass to oblivion.
Q. No jealous boyfriends allowed. Unless you’re lesbian..

11. Food sharing

It’s ok to pick off someone else’s plate, ONLY if you have something for them to pick off in return. We call it quid pro quo. If you have nothing to offer and you're constantly picking off 3 or 4 platters, it’s called a Sponge Buffet. Keep this up and one day we'll be lacing your food with rat poison just to watch a live convulsion.

12. Courtesy distance

There is an unwritten rule on courtesy distance when it comes to the urinals at the gents. The same goes for empty seats on the trains or buses. You dmight not realise, but you're an active participant on this, if you're normal. For instance,

1 2 3 4 5

The numbers represent urinals. When there is no one, a male generally takes up the corners 1 or 5. For exhibitionists, homosexuals and males with confidently large penises, urinal 3 is prime property. When the next person comes in, it’s social courtesy to stand at least 2 urinals away.

If I’m at 1 and you come in and stand at 2 when every other urinal is empty, you’re gay. If you move to 5, you’re homophobic. Life is easy with dichotomy.


At 1:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

they say licking stamps makes a person grow fat, so if say, a whale gets banished to the mail room to lick stamps, there is a large possibility that it would just have to die in the mail room, 'cause it'll (note that I didn't say HE or SHE) grow so fat from licking stamps that it won't fit through the door.

a dead whale stuck in a room, we wouldn't want that now, would we

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