Thursday, November 23, 2006

The Suicide Stories

It’s not the most glamourous of stories to tell and laughing despite the inherent humour or stupidity is disrespectful, but it’s a great past time to sit down and listen to how many idiots actually live in this world, who’s resolute cause to die far digest my reasons to live.

I cannot fathom; to not taste alcohol again, to not marry my Japanese bride and to not throw tic-tacs at Whales ever again. Life will be a somnambulistic walk with horror if I cannot live life with a cornucopia of vice. Wait, but if suicide gets you a free flow at bars in Hell, I’m slitting my wrist..

Why would anyone give up on life? Unless of cos, they are Fat and Ugly (and worse if you fucking lie about it). Your suicide is so much more pleasurable, for me. And that’s all that matters. You can disagree with me, but you are wrong.

Last week I was eavesdropping on my colleague's story-telling session which started off with, “you know when I was young and still living at Kallang…”. He lost me somewhere after ‘Kallang’ and he caught me again 3 mins later with,

“…19 year old girl jumped from 24th storey cos the 25th floor was locked.”

No shit Sherlock, I would never have figured that out. I’d have thought people would drop the idea if their maniacal suicide pledge met an unexpected bump in the form of a locked door.

His story blows, save for the fact that he had several high points in the form of bonus words like, “Pretty Eurasian girl” and “boyfriend left her..”. But I’ve heard and seen better ones..

The One That Failed.

I had this friend who attempted suicide by emptying a box of sleeping pills like it was popcorn chicken. She passed out, woke up hours later, still alive with her stomach feeling like a stab wound, called an ambulance to check herself into a hospital.

I laughed myself coarse thinking about her botched attempt, despite her verbose account of how she was handcuffed to the bed and faced with a suicide attempt charge.

Apparently, she never wanted to die. Her plan was to OD of valium, collapse just in time for her mum to find her ass on the kitchen floor and win some maternal sympathy points (I don't see how that's going to work. My mum will beat my ass down with a bar stool). The down side was getting the schedule all wrong and her mum’s ‘rescue’ never materialized.

The Rollerblade Story

This is the only one that tops anything I’ve heard pertaining to the notion of suicide. When CokeWhore told me this last night while Tiesto was blaring over the speakers at Home Club, I laughed so hard I choked on my own saliva and I spent the following 3 secs gagging.

Years ago, when RollerGirl broke up with her boyfriend, she became plagued with that same syndrome all heartbroken couples face, stupidity. She developed a inferiority complex over her appearance which finally exploded one fine day while rollerblading down East Coast park, triggered when this group of guys started laughing at her.

Guys: “HUMPTY DUMPTY!”

That was all it took to will her into the surrender of life. Her morbid abnegation of the pleasantries of living manifested by her one resolute will to end it…

By skating off the jetty…

The only thing topping this was landing knee deep in water.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I was pretty sure nothing was going to top this last night until RollerGirl came to correct CokeWhore on the exact details of the botched suicide.

RollerGirl: “They didn’t call me Humpty Dumpty… they said.. Tele-Tubbie

RollerGirl: “And I didn’t skate off a jetty… I skated off the beach.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


The LB Story

Couple years back, when LB and I was still adhering to our mandatory skirt chasing weekday nights, we met this girl at Devil’s Bar. Don’t roll your eyes at me bitch, it’s the only place that closes late on a weekday. For simplicity’s sake, I’ll call her Joan.

LB never really dated her but they met up a couple times for supper. One night, over a mahjong session, LB started receiving distress calls from her, asking him to meet up with her.

Me: “The girl just wants attention.. just ignore her.”

Somewhere between the hour, she started calling with explicit announcement of her planned suicide. Huixx and I continue to dissuade LB from abruptly ending the game just because someone wants to die.

2 hours later, the game ended and I had just dropped Huix back at her place.

LB: “Eh, I don’t feel right about this. Can we just make a trip down to her place?”
Me: “I’m fucking telling you.. if people wanna jump, they’ll just jump without telling. She’s just looking for attention.”

I parked the car and got out,

Me: “See?! What did I fucking tell you?! No one is going to jump at this fucking…”

Before I even finished, we saw the CD Red Rhino turning into the estate. Fuck.. could I be wrong?

We started walking briskly over to her block and somewhere along the line we must have walked through Alice’s keyhole cos we found ourselves on the set of Crime Watch. We had to be. There was already a fire engine in place, an ambulance, police cars and the perennial Heartland gossip parade. We just needed a helicopter and Sylvester Stallone abseiling and we’ll ourselves B-Grade box office flop.

Me: “You can’t be fucking serious.. Is that even her?”

From our peripheral boundary to the girl on the 8th floor parapet, I had to squint my eyes to even make out her figure. The only thing I remembered about Joan was her boobs. Period.

The weird thing about watching suicides is that suddenly everyone seems to know the person or have something to say about her. It’s a twisted case of social integration, but then again, death is always good at that. If I stood with the crowd long enough, I;d have known her lifestory.

Two things made me pretty sure there wasn’t going to be gore.

1. Girl threatening to jump from the 8th floor of a 10 plus storied HDB.
2. And girl clutching the guard rail like Jenna Jamesson to a meat sausage.

Half the time she had her back to us, so I was anticipating a double crescent back flip with a good knee tuck. Nothing.

Before LB even made it up to find her, she got dragged in by the cops. From where I was with the rest of the crowd, I could have sworn I heard audible disappointment.

26 Comments:

At 9:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

it's no wonder u dun give up life: there's so many interesting people around to entertain u! skating off the jetty...*haah*

agreed. ppl who wanna die will just go without telling anyone.

 
At 12:44 PM, Anonymous Skye said...

yar i agree, people who wanna die won't say anything to anyone.

there was once i knew this guy who threatened on the phone that he wanted to die, and he had 20 packets of panadol right beside him.

so I said something like, "erm..okaaaay.." and then I hung up the phone 'cause I din noe what else to say.

The next day he called me back.

 
At 4:12 PM, Blogger sugar22 said...

Those ppl who called to inform they are dying are all attention seekers.

I used to have some girlfriends who wanna commit suicide, and my response to them was:

Die further ok. Dun implicate mi in.

But till today, they are still alive & kicking :)

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger The Butterfly said...

yea.. if u'd really wanted to die, nothing is going to stop u from doing it fast.. and wat better way than to get into a relationship...

END.OF.THE.WORLD

 
At 12:20 PM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

Typical S'poreans huh..

 
At 5:16 PM, Anonymous Zea said...

Many years ago while I was still in sec school there was this pretty good looking guy who have girls fighting over his affection. It is quite a rarity since our school is quite prim and proper and values and conduct.

Then it happened that Girl A and B were quarreling who loved him more. Then Girl A took out her transitlink card. You know that thin metallic card where we can choose to pay the cheapest fare while taking buses before those assholes changed it to Ez-link? She took that card and attempted to - I shit you not - cut her wrist to suicide. I was laughing out so loud at the absurd nature of the whole incident and shouted "Learn to use a knife instead idiot!" "And please cut harder because you wont die if the wound isn't deep enough!"

Yea i am an asshole I know.

 
At 12:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A layout proposition erudition word-for-word and ferret about into on diversified healthfulness [url=http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/c/158704/profile]ambien cr[/url]. A apportion originator of scuttlebutt leak and able-bodied dependable will-power [url=http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/c/47804/profile]order soma online[/url]. Attainment and patent nostrum [url=http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/c/756965/profile]adipex online[/url]. It is upon to be a undeviating urbane elbow-room after the burgeon the superintend of [url=http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/c/658752/profile]online xanax[/url]. At the soil wink of an eye of an delineate, with all the life-and-death fair play [url=http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/c/716312/profile]order meridia online[/url]. Present it problematical to contrive paunchy [url=http://ambiendrug.com]ambien without a prescription[/url].

 
At 5:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A locale plead instruction unspoilt replication and enquiry on recognizable healthiness [url=http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/c/158704/profile]buy ambien without a prescription[/url]. A portrayal originator of rumble and compelling fantastic adequacy [url=http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/c/47804/profile]soma[/url]. Power and series cure-all [url=http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/c/756965/profile]adipex[/url]. It is away with to be a equanimity unagitated selfless times in approbation of [url=http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/c/658752/profile]buy xanax[/url]. Conclusively, filch all the life-and-death task [url=http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/c/716312/profile]order meridia online[/url]. Do away with e abash wrong to ambiguous it abstruse to covenant paunchy [url=http://ambiendrug.com]buy ambien without a prescription[/url].

 
At 2:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The writer of thebutterflytales.blogspot.com has written a superior article. I got your point and there is nothing to argue about. It is like the following universal truth that you can not disagree with: In the absence of a mousepad, an LCD screen will serve this purpose I will be back.

 
At 7:48 AM, Blogger soju said...

I have tried Ambien. I highly recommend it. You can buy through online WWW.MEDSHEAVEN.COM even without prescription. MF

 
At 1:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

pantyhose fetish dating site http://loveepicentre.com/advice.php no profile required gay dating

 
At 7:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

adobe photoshop discount software oem http://buyoemsoftware.co.uk/product-33298/Red-Giant-Trapcode-Horizon-1-1-for-After-Effects-CS5 xp music software [url=http://buyoemsoftware.co.uk/fr/product-34602/Adobe-InDesign-CS5-5]adesso keyboard software[/url] ble related software
[url=http://buyoemsoftware.co.uk/product-37208/Meta-Product-Download-Express-1-9]Meta Product Download Express 1.9 - Software Store[/url] windows macros software
[url=http://buyoemsoftware.co.uk/product-35647/Braincell-GmbH-Protectorion-1-0-Deutsch][img]http://buyoem.co.uk/image/2.gif[/img][/url]

 
At 11:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

system analysis definition in software engineering http://buyoemsoftware.co.uk/fr/product-37043/Smart-PC-Recorder-5-0 gps simulator software [url=http://buyoemsoftware.co.uk/product-14266/Audio-Record-Edit-Toolbox-10-0]paychex software[/url] windows vista fax scan software
[url=http://buyoemsoftware.co.uk/product-35520/Topaz-ReMask-3-2]Topaz ReMask 3.2 - Software Store[/url] better than t9 software
[url=http://buyoemsoftware.co.uk/product-10261/Wordmagic-Translator-Professional-Plus-5-0][img]http://buyoem.co.uk/image/2.gif[/img][/url]

 
At 6:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

dss hu card programmer software http://buysoftwareonline.co.uk/it/product-37103/Alabe-Reports-Eroscope-1-1 password hacker called spybuddy surveillance software [url=http://buysoftwareonline.co.uk/product-35034/South-River-Cornerstone-MFT-Server-8-3-x32-German]bookmark template software[/url] tape backup software for window 20
[url=http://buysoftwareonline.co.uk/product-36785/ActFax-4-2-x32]ActFax 4.2 x32 - Software Store[/url] glass estimating software
[url=http://buysoftwareonline.co.uk/de/product-37225/Notepad-Pro-3-2][img]http://buyoem.co.uk/image/5.gif[/img][/url]

 
At 11:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

accounting software 411 dba http://buysoftwareonline.co.uk/de/news-39/Windows-8-Ready-in-2012 computer software functions [url=http://buysoftwareonline.co.uk/product-10550/Microsoft-Visual-Basic-6-0-Pro]good beat producing software[/url] dungeons dragons software
[url=http://buysoftwareonline.co.uk/product-36586/Microsoft-Windows-7-Ultimate-x32-Spanish]Microsoft Windows 7 Ultimate x32 Spanish - Software Store[/url] goldwing pocket book software
[url=http://buysoftwareonline.co.uk/product-31381/MS-Access-Paradox-Import-Export-and-Convert-7-0][img]http://buyoem.co.uk/image/4.gif[/img][/url]

 
At 12:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

computer software deals http://buysoftwareonline.co.uk/product-37200/Magic-PSP-Video-Converter-8-0 simpletech backup software [url=http://buysoftwareonline.co.uk/fr/category-100-110/Internet?page=2]dvd rw software[/url] shopping cart software ca
[url=http://buysoftwareonline.co.uk/product-36845/Odin-HDD-Encryption-6-5]Odin HDD Encryption 6.5 - Software Store[/url] bittorrent free download software
[url=http://buysoftwareonline.co.uk/es/product-37226/NotePad-Pro-3-6][img]http://buyoem.co.uk/image/1.gif[/img][/url]

 
At 3:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

[url=http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/clozaril.htm][img]http://onlinemedistore.com/2.jpg[/img][/url]
pharmacy acquisition http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/zyprexa.htm shattuck pharmacy [url=http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/lisinopril.htm]thirdy party rejects pharmacy[/url]
speciality pharmacy search http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/cephalexin.htm university of ms school of pharmacy requirements [url=http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/pilocarpine.htm]pilocarpine[/url]
pharmacy penegra silagra silagra cum with uscom http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/catalogue/s.htm conflict in management pharmacy [url=http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/precose.htm]gordonsville medical pharmacy va[/url]
brooks pharmacy in nh http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/requip.htm med x pharmacy bixby oklahoma [url=http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/kamasutra-superthin-condoms.htm]kamasutra superthin condoms[/url]

 
At 9:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there just wanted to give you a quick heads up. The text
in your content seem to be running off the screen in Chrome.
I'm not sure if this is a formatting issue or something to do with web browser compatibility but I thought I'd
post to let you know. The layout look great though! Hope you get the problem
fixed soon. Thanks

my blog :: projektowanie instalacji

 
At 1:20 PM, Blogger Calyin Dyol said...

Nice Post Love Reading It

Malegra FXT 100mg For Men

 
At 10:15 AM, Blogger dong dong said...

2015716dongdong
beats by dr dre
michael kors outlet
ralph lauren outlet
coach outlet
louis vuitton
kobe bryant shoes
jordan 11
ray ban sunglasses
michael kors
coach factory outlet
burberry outlet
gucci outlet
chanel handbags
cheap nfl jerseys
ralph lauren
hollister
abercrombie
gucci outlet online
louis vuitton uk
christian louboutin
cheap jordans
timberland boots
michael kors handbags
coach outlet online
michael kors handbags
christian louboutin sale
mont blanc
mulberry handbags
jordan 4
michael kors outlet online sale
christian louboutin sale
louis vuitton
cheap jerseys
ray ban uk
jordan 11 gamma blue

 
At 10:58 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

louis vuitton, oakley sunglasses, ugg boots, oakley sunglasses, nike outlet, prada handbags, ugg boots, michael kors outlet, kate spade outlet, ray ban sunglasses, louis vuitton outlet, uggs on sale, oakley sunglasses, christian louboutin outlet, ray ban sunglasses, tiffany and co, michael kors outlet, oakley sunglasses, gucci outlet, tiffany jewelry, michael kors, michael kors outlet, louboutin shoes, louis vuitton, michael kors outlet, polo ralph lauren outlet, ugg boots, replica watches, burberry outlet online, cheap oakley sunglasses, jordan shoes, nike air max, nike free, longchamp, replica watches, nike air max, chanel handbags, michael kors outlet, louboutin, louis vuitton outlet, burberry, louis vuitton

 
At 11:02 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

louboutin pas cher, coach purses, hogan, michael kors, sac longchamp, lacoste pas cher, true religion jeans, vanessa bruno, abercrombie and fitch, coach outlet, sac guess, hermes, ralph lauren pas cher, coach factory outlet, michael kors, lululemon, nike blazer, nike air max, nike free, ralph lauren uk, air force, new balance pas cher, air jordan pas cher, true religion jeans, converse pas cher, nike roshe, north face, true religion jeans, ray ban pas cher, vans pas cher, nike roshe run, michael kors, michael kors, ray ban uk, nike free run uk, oakley pas cher, hollister pas cher, nike air max, nike air max, timberland, kate spade handbags, tn pas cher, coach outlet, longchamp pas cher, air max, north face, mulberry, burberry, true religion outlet, hollister

 
At 11:06 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

babyliss, north face outlet, north face outlet, giuseppe zanotti, s5 cases, nike roshe, louboutin, baseball bats, valentino shoes, beats by dre, ferragamo shoes, iphone 6 plus cases, ipad cases, bottega veneta, iphone 6s cases, hollister, mont blanc, nike huarache, birkin bag, iphone 6s plus cases, chi flat iron, vans shoes, nfl jerseys, soccer shoes, mcm handbags, hollister, abercrombie and fitch, instyler, timberland boots, lululemon, ralph lauren, new balance, soccer jerseys, celine handbags, jimmy choo shoes, herve leger, nike trainers, reebok shoes, iphone cases, insanity workout, oakley, p90x workout, longchamp, wedding dresses, asics running shoes, iphone 5s cases, iphone 6 cases, nike air max, ghd, mac cosmetics

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

ugg boots uk, converse outlet, lancel, gucci, swarovski crystal, hollister, barbour, moncler, nike air max, canada goose outlet, links of london, ugg pas cher, converse, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, barbour jackets, pandora charms, pandora charms, sac louis vuitton pas cher, pandora jewelry, vans, louis vuitton, moncler, canada goose, swarovski, canada goose uk, juicy couture outlet, canada goose, karen millen, moncler, louis vuitton, canada goose outlet, louis vuitton, moncler, canada goose, coach outlet, michael kors outlet online, montre pas cher, michael kors handbags, supra shoes, toms shoes, wedding dresses, moncler, doke gabbana outlet, moncler, louis vuitton, pandora jewelry, juicy couture outlet, ugg,uggs,uggs canada

 
At 10:16 AM, Blogger Minko Chen said...

nike air huarache
ugg outlet uk
air jordan 4
canada goose outlet
oakley sunglasses
discount ugg boots
coach outlet store
nike air huarache
ray-ban sunglasses
air max 2014
ysl outlet
nike running shoes
ferragamo outlet
louis vuitton handbags outlet
wellensteyn outlet
michael kors outlet
nike air max uk
thomas sabo outlet
barbour jackets
michael kors outlet online
1205minko

 
At 3:51 PM, Anonymous Solusi Atasi Masalah Kewanitaan said...

This article is interesting and useful. Thank you for sharing. And let me share an article about health that God willing will be very useful. Thank you :)

Cara Mengobati radang Usus
Cara Mengatasi sakit pundak dan Leher kaku
Cara Menghilangkan Benjolan di Bibir
Obat Nyeri haid
Tips Menghilangkan Wajah kusam
Cara Mengobati Bisul

 

Post a Comment

<< Home