The Suicide Stories

It’s not the most glamourous of stories to tell and laughing despite the inherent humour or stupidity is disrespectful, but it’s a great past time to sit down and listen to how many idiots actually live in this world, who’s resolute cause to die far digest my reasons to live.

I cannot fathom; to not taste alcohol again, to not marry my Japanese bride and to not throw tic-tacs at Whales ever again. Life will be a somnambulistic walk with horror if I cannot live life with a cornucopia of vice. Wait, but if suicide gets you a free flow at bars in Hell, I’m slitting my wrist..

Why would anyone give up on life? Unless of cos, they are Fat and Ugly (and worse if you fucking lie about it). Your suicide is so much more pleasurable, for me. And that’s all that matters. You can disagree with me, but you are wrong.

Last week I was eavesdropping on my colleague's story-telling session which started off with, “you know when I was young and still living at Kallang…”. He lost me somewhere after ‘Kallang’ and he caught me again 3 mins later with,

“…19 year old girl jumped from 24th storey cos the 25th floor was locked.”

No shit Sherlock, I would never have figured that out. I’d have thought people would drop the idea if their maniacal suicide pledge met an unexpected bump in the form of a locked door.

His story blows, save for the fact that he had several high points in the form of bonus words like, “Pretty Eurasian girl” and “boyfriend left her..”. But I’ve heard and seen better ones..

The One That Failed.

I had this friend who attempted suicide by emptying a box of sleeping pills like it was popcorn chicken. She passed out, woke up hours later, still alive with her stomach feeling like a stab wound, called an ambulance to check herself into a hospital.

I laughed myself coarse thinking about her botched attempt, despite her verbose account of how she was handcuffed to the bed and faced with a suicide attempt charge.

Apparently, she never wanted to die. Her plan was to OD of valium, collapse just in time for her mum to find her ass on the kitchen floor and win some maternal sympathy points (I don't see how that's going to work. My mum will beat my ass down with a bar stool). The down side was getting the schedule all wrong and her mum’s ‘rescue’ never materialized.

The Rollerblade Story

This is the only one that tops anything I’ve heard pertaining to the notion of suicide. When CokeWhore told me this last night while Tiesto was blaring over the speakers at Home Club, I laughed so hard I choked on my own saliva and I spent the following 3 secs gagging.

Years ago, when RollerGirl broke up with her boyfriend, she became plagued with that same syndrome all heartbroken couples face, stupidity. She developed a inferiority complex over her appearance which finally exploded one fine day while rollerblading down East Coast park, triggered when this group of guys started laughing at her.

Guys: “HUMPTY DUMPTY!”

That was all it took to will her into the surrender of life. Her morbid abnegation of the pleasantries of living manifested by her one resolute will to end it…

By skating off the jetty…

The only thing topping this was landing knee deep in water.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I was pretty sure nothing was going to top this last night until RollerGirl came to correct CokeWhore on the exact details of the botched suicide.

RollerGirl: “They didn’t call me Humpty Dumpty… they said.. Tele-Tubbie”

RollerGirl: “And I didn’t skate off a jetty… I skated off the beach.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


The LB Story

Couple years back, when LB and I was still adhering to our mandatory skirt chasing weekday nights, we met this girl at Devil’s Bar. Don’t roll your eyes at me bitch, it’s the only place that closes late on a weekday. For simplicity’s sake, I’ll call her Joan.

LB never really dated her but they met up a couple times for supper. One night, over a mahjong session, LB started receiving distress calls from her, asking him to meet up with her.

Me: “The girl just wants attention.. just ignore her.”

Somewhere between the hour, she started calling with explicit announcement of her planned suicide. Huixx and I continue to dissuade LB from abruptly ending the game just because someone wants to die.

2 hours later, the game ended and I had just dropped Huix back at her place.

LB: “Eh, I don’t feel right about this. Can we just make a trip down to her place?”
Me: “I’m fucking telling you.. if people wanna jump, they’ll just jump without telling. She’s just looking for attention.”

I parked the car and got out,

Me: “See?! What did I fucking tell you?! No one is going to jump at this fucking…”

Before I even finished, we saw the CD Red Rhino turning into the estate. Fuck.. could I be wrong?

We started walking briskly over to her block and somewhere along the line we must have walked through Alice’s keyhole cos we found ourselves on the set of Crime Watch. We had to be. There was already a fire engine in place, an ambulance, police cars and the perennial Heartland gossip parade. We just needed a helicopter and Sylvester Stallone abseiling and we’ll ourselves B-Grade box office flop.

Me: “You can’t be fucking serious.. Is that even her?”

From our peripheral boundary to the girl on the 8th floor parapet, I had to squint my eyes to even make out her figure. The only thing I remembered about Joan was her boobs. Period.

The weird thing about watching suicides is that suddenly everyone seems to know the person or have something to say about her. It’s a twisted case of social integration, but then again, death is always good at that. If I stood with the crowd long enough, I;d have known her lifestory.

Two things made me pretty sure there wasn’t going to be gore.

1. Girl threatening to jump from the 8th floor of a 10 plus storied HDB.
2. And girl clutching the guard rail like Jenna Jamesson to a meat sausage.

Half the time she had her back to us, so I was anticipating a double crescent back flip with a good knee tuck. Nothing.

Before LB even made it up to find her, she got dragged in by the cops. From where I was with the rest of the crowd, I could have sworn I heard audible disappointment.