You Know You're Gay When..

Despite what most medical and sociological studies have shown, Homosexuality is actually a disease that can hit you out of nowhere, like cholera, love and pregnancy.

The realization usually comes after the erosion of self-denial and most people don’t find true sexuality until they turn 25. For you, desperately seek to find your calling, bow down and thank me for this easy guide.

1. A girl stays over and you don’t have sex.

You may think it’s a gentlemanly gesture of respect, but in actuality, you are gay. First ask yourself. Did you,

a. make a valiant effort to grope her boobs at least once?
b. attempted to pitch the idea of making out?
c. tried to kiss her?
d. bring back a Whale.

If you tried any of the first three options, then chances are you’re still dominantly heterosexual. Bringing a girl back to your place is 70% of the battle won and if you managed to fuck up at that point, you must really suck.

If you raised your hand on option D, abstinence from sex is the only humane course of action when dealing with Whales. I commend you on that. This conversely means that unless you brought the Whale home to hang as a punching bag, there should really be no reason to have them over.

2. Spend thousands on a girl just to talk.

My virgin visit to Cleopetra KTV was all I needed to ascertain that rich old men and generally gay. The only other people, who would tip that much without peeling off any clothing or copping a feel, are idiots.

3. You eat candy floss

Candy floss is laced with estrogen and there is nothing more pussifying then to eat it.

4. You use my writings as pickup lines

I’m writing this only because I’ve been tipped off that some jackass is using my stories and the things I say on this girl. Apparently, this guy is ripping my words verbatim on MSN to hit on her (who just happens to be a reader). I’m now asked to conduct a public shaming.

Dear Copycat,

The next time you try to impress a girl, try to paraphrase my words at least. Ripping it in entirety from context is akin to leaving your fly open and your dick out. Its convenient, but you’re gonna get clipped.

Look, I don’t really give a fuck if you replicate my stories, but credit where credit is due. You don’t see me taking credit for creating post-its do you? Imitation is the best form of flattery, but unless you’re paying me homage in the form a bronze statue on your porch, go rip of Bill Gates.

Why the fuck would you even trying stealing material and pass it off as your own? Do you have any idea how many people read this shit? Do you even know that I have people telling me to go read MY own blog?

The person you happen to be hitting on is closely related to Reznor so I’ll be forth coming on this, YOU HAVE NO CHANCE. You are currently the biggest joke that is circulating amongst us this weekend. I’d be laughing if my appendix didn’t hurt so much. I bet your appendix hurts too, since you mimic everything I say and do.

If you have to depend on me to make you look cool, you are gay.

5. You drive a Kelisa

It's faggotry on wheels.

6. You use more than one product to wash your face.

In my world, facial wash is facial wash. Anything with foam can be used to wash the face. If you have good complexion, you can use toothpaste to wash your face and you’ll still be fine. I’m testament to this.

7. You shuffle..

I’m addicted to shuffling which most of you should know by now. When I’m at a club and there’s good trance music, I become temporarily asexual. Since the Melbourne Shuffle is anything but provocative, dancing with partners is almost uncommon. It’s an individualistic expression of rhythm since no two people shuffle exactly the same.

When I shuffle, I generally do not like people to hold me. Even if they are hot. I wouldn’t even allow MissSeptember, Minori or anyone whom I’ve been smitten at to keep me from dancing.

It’s a worrisome issue when our conversations in a club are void of mention of chicks.

NormalMale: “Dudes the girls today are damn hot!”
Us: “Fuck!! The music is damn good!”
NormalMale: “Check that girl out! Her boobs are popping out!”
Us: “Too crowded here.. can’t shuffle.”

8. You listen to Elton John songs

Gays listen to gay icons.

9. You drink Diet Coke

If you take everything with less sugar and less fat, you are gay. You maybe doing this because you are diabetic but it’s really because you are gay. If you are a real man, nothing will come in between you and sugar. If you have to die, so be it.

Real men aren’t afraid of dying.

I always take my coffee with 3 tablespoon of sugar. I cross roads blindly cos cars cannot hurt me and I’ll amputate my arm if a cockroach touches me. All men should freak out at the sight of roaches cos they are the meanest sons of bitches in this world.

I once locked myself in my room cos there was a fly roach around the house. I did the only manly thing possible and called my maid from the room phone to come up and destroy it. If you are a man, you will get people to do your dirty work.

10. You are prettier than me.

They usually are.

11. Your favourite words include “Sale”.

Most people’s favourite word is “free”. If you are heterosexual, the accompanying word to this is usually “sex”. If you are a Whale, then it’s always “Food”. But when you are gay, the next word is always “shoes”.

12. You meet every girl’s criteria in a man.

The template for women always go like this..

Girl: “Someone smart, funny, good-looking, dress well, sensitive and caring.”

If you fit ALL that, you are gay.

13. You frequent the gym.

Men use words like “bench-press”, “steroids” and “pumping iron” and the visit gyms just because girls there have lesser clothes on.

Gays use words like “calories”, “my arms are fat” and “pilates” and they visit the gym cos other men have lesser clothes on.

14. Turn down sex for ManHunt.

Shame on you. The only program that sex can hold for is Wrestling.

15. You chose to smuggle drugs up your ass.

If you smiled to this, you are also gay.


If you think this is written to be deprecate homosexuality, it isn't. So don't send me your Gay Pride day speeches. Some of this are inside jokes because I'm guilty of a number of this.

Perhaps..