The Laws of the Butterfly part 1

Not many people appreciate the unspoken social laws which often at times of emotional distress, offer us catharsis or loopholes around otherwise sensitive inter-personal relationships. Call me the personification of mischief and appreciate this education.

So, instead of doing a google, I’m here to spell it all out for you. You can disagree, but you are wrong.

1. Whales pay double

If you are a cashier, just bill them the mandatory obese fee. If you are a door bitch, make them pay twice the cover. But seriously, are you sure you’d want them in your club to begin with? Being fat doesn’t equate to drinking more and on the contrary they drink less cos drinking more equates to peeing more, and walking constantly leads to a higher chances of getting a cardiac arrest.

2. Pregnancy is a STD

Your girlfriend gets pregnant, you are in real shit.

You get pregnant, you are in deep shit.

Either way, someone’s going to get their ass whooped by an angry parent. Sometimes both if you’re lucky.

Pregnancy is a social disjuncture. You have to abstain from alcohol, sex, partying and before you know it, you’re reading Reader’s Digest and sticking earphones to your tummy, feeding Mozart crap to your kid. Continue this and he’ll grow up a faggot. I’m sure your kid will love you for it.

3. When ‘cheating’ isn’t cheating.

Not many people are clear on when or what actually constitutes cheating on your partner. I’d make this clear so you’d never have to ask idiotic moralistic friends for advise, EVER.

A. Distance

If your partner is 500km apart from you, you are entitled to one guilty indulgent and one scandalous romp. Since your one guilty pleasure should always be this blog, you are left with one good night in the sack with that perfect stranger. If they’re good, you can make it two nights.

Fidelity can be measured in distance. Do not let conscience stop you from doing what you want, neither should you let the physical distance between you and your partner affect you.

Do remember, relationship status’ are invalid brackets if that person is 500km away. Which would mean if you partner is in Kuala Lumpur, you’d probably have to walk to Sentosa to become legitimately single.

B. Revenge

If your partner cheated on you first and you’re re-paying the favour, you’re home safe. Most of you know this, but what you DON’T know is that this rule is only applicable if the law of Distance is in effect.

Anyone who sleeps around as a motive for revenge has obvious issues with mentality. Sleeping around should only be done for pleasure, money and STDs.

C. Alcohol

Infidelity or the spectrum of it ranging from kissing to sex is excused under the heavy influence of alcohol. ONLY if you are a girl. This should be obvious enough. Guys don’t fuck drunk.

It’s a loophole in social norms and expected behaviour. You kiss someone by mistake, blame it on alcohol. I used to kiss random people when I was drunk last year and I never had to take anything more than a napkin from them. Your sobriety to filter hotness is arrested by the juice, so just throw all caution to the wind..

Example,

Friend: “Babe, you kissed that guy last night!”

Read as….SLUT.

Now, bring in alcohol into the equation.

You: “I did? Oh my gosh.. I was so wasted last night.”
Friend: “Ohh.. poor thing.. how you feeling today?”

Read as….VIRGINAL VICTIM of alcohol.

D. Games

Only if it’s my game and with me as lead, I’d grant you impunity to the recoil of social judgment.

4. Etiquette at free flow parties

There are basic etiquettes we have to abide by. Call it derivatives from the laws of Johnny Walker or cultural inversion. We need a new compendium of social mores.

A. Anything free deserves at least 6 glasses of your time

Even against the disgust of bartenders, have you and your coterie plunge yourselves shamelessly at the bar. You are Singaporean, we’re all born shamelessly cheapskate.

B. Binge drinking is the ONLY way to drink

C. Do not waste time on picking up people.

Free flows generally has a limited time span or whilst stocks last, which ever is faster. The only words you should be uttering should be synonymous with alcohol, like “whiskey”, “vodka” and “toilet”.

5. Picking up people

Shameless self-introductory speeches and compliments should not be limited to the male population. I always appreciate a generous dose of pro-active women who throw compliments at me. I’m a slut, that much I know.

6. If you can’t dance, don’t.

I’ve illustrated it here.

To be continued…