The Phuket Return - Pt 1

There are certain paradises on earth that are spared the backlashes of time. Phuket is one such utopic sanctuary. There is no consequence of an ending weekend, the notion of 'Monday blues' is a myth the natives sing songs about and everyday here is known only as, Phuketday.

It's been quite a while since I've had anticipation for anything as much as I did for this trip. Not since religiously waiting every Monday for Entourage. The Phuket return symbolised so much for LB and me. While we disguised it as an excuse to celebrate our birthdays away from Singapore, truth be that the only reason we were heading there was to indulge skull deep in tribal hedonism.

Phuket was the perfect foil. Decently nice beach (with occassional nice boobs), cheap food, streets lined with neon lights that commercialized (and commodify) sex, clubs with such imbalance of female to male ratio unprecedented since the great Feminist Walk and the list runs on.

The only thing that stopped us from shouting, "LET'S GO GET LAID!" was the stern immigration guard that eyed us with enough contempt to accuse eunuchs of impregnation. Yes, we are getting laid, stealing hearts and knocking back tequila without a conscience. Mother's should keep your daughters home while we are here. We are daring consequence to catch up to us.

With a delayed flight that set us back by half an hour, the immediate plan was now to check in, save on the shower and make our way straight to the club. This was a routine LB and I have been reasonably seasoned with and it helped that we already knew the places to go, so we were going to leave the reconnaissance for tomorrow.

Banana - (voted best club in Phuket by me two times over), was the designated site for operation 'Dynamite Fishing'. It's so easy to hook up in the clubs there that I almost feel guilty for lying about myself.

On a regular night, we can adopt up to 3 identities. I have been a children's book writer, an artist and a photographer. LB's been a pilot, a teacher and a policeman. We love how everyone buys our bullshit.

One moment we are knocking back shots with one group of girls at the bar and the next hour, we are chatting up 3 girls at the dance floor. LB nudged me the same way he does when he spots a fuck worthy target. My immediate response to this is usually to scan her friend(s) for a reason to keep my pants down. Substantially tanked and intoxicated by the smell of sex, I decided that my birthday is best spent winging for LB and close the night with the elusive 'foursome'.

LB's girl looked absolutely hot under club lights, but we were awfully familiar with post-club appearances so we started finding contingency attributes like 'perky butt' and 'huge boobs'. Her friend had a sharp nose, which was practically the only thing I was concerned with at the moment since her face was her only hugely plus point for me.

Dynamite Fishing : [def:] The process of multiple introductions, flirting and speed smiling. There is no existence of singularity or exclusivity. The best of the litter will eventaully be picked.

The thing about dynamite fishing is that you eventually leave yourself vulnerable for previous pickups to breath down your necks and attempt a cock-block. However, the great thing is that when a girl really wants to get into your pants, they are usually deaf. Just like how people in love are stupidly blind.

Their names were Lek and Lu, the sacrificial lambs to initiate us back into Phuketism - the art of absolute debauchery.

The only problem now was to maneuver this from the vanilla one on one action to the two on two bedlam fest that has eluded us once over. Getting a chick to head back to your hotel is akin to bargaining for that Redbull T-shirt. But getting your chick to consent to slugging it out while her friend and your friend is banging within breaths from you? Now that would be asking for a free t-shirt.

When we finally got back to the room, the familiar awkardness loomed. Maybe it was the dissipation of alcohol or the brightly litted room, or the fact that none of us were adequately well educated in the etiquettes of foursome demeanour. Nonetheless, there was this resolute cause to wrestle the awkwardness into submission.

LB smiled and pulled the sheets off. Lu moaned away almost as if to lullaby the others. Lek tried to play coy which was met with gross disapproval and Butterfly was happy for this accidental birthday present.

Day one accomplished, but there was still much of Phuket that needed to be conquered.