Tuesday, August 21, 2007

The House Party Pt 2

When we got there, everything that was painted in promised debauchery was eroding. The attendance list had been tweaked to include more cocks than the ‘this will be a kick ass party’ prescription of 3.

I’m not entirely against having more guys added to the equation, but since this was at the expense of having lesser skirts show up, I gave Cat the mandatory frown. This changed shortly when one of the girls showed up.

She was heavily made up, decently pretty and had a name that I knew I was never going to remember through the night unless I had them wear name tags with huge 38 sized fonts
on their chest.

The only contention we had with having extra sets of dicks around was that as much as women can be potential cock-blockers, men who haven’t been properly acquainted with our rules of engagement are as good as transvestites with strap-ons. They might sometimes be good to have around, but we don’t need them.

We got up to find 3 others already there. When the girls cleared the room to get cups and other party props, I decided to break the ice with other two guys. They were young, seemed like nice folks but I knew they weren’t going to light up the party or make any substantial contribution or impact to it other than taking up space and fucking the guys chances with the other girls.

Cat came back up to tell me we needed ice and mixers and that since we were supposed to have picked some up on the way here and didn’t, the common principles of responsibility states that we have to go get it. I don’t subscribe to this bullshit.

Me: “Just tell your friend to pick it up when he is coming over.”
Cat: “My friend isn’t coming over.”
Me: “Then just tell him to drop it off here and he can go back.”

I started typing to random people over her active MSN windows several variations of distress calls like,

We need ice. Send some over.” And “Can you go buy ice and bring it over here, now.”

LB finally coaxed me into going across the street to the kiosk to get some. I saw this as a good time break game and recoup for a new tactical planning. Cat was already tipsy with a couple shots and valium and the whole drug fest wasn’t panning out as previously imagined.

Me: “Get rid of the two dicks in that room and we will fucking guarantee you a fucking wild party.”

Once out, LB was less forgiving on the whole situation than I was, but we’ve been in much shittier situations than this and we always milked it for whatever it was worth. The goal now was simple, get ice and mixers and light the party up.

When we finally got back, with the skirt attendance increased and all the drinks pre-mixed into a plastic dispenser, we started on the de rigueur of all house party, the games.

There is one game that we always start off the parties with to get everyone substantially tanked, intoxicated enough to lose inhibitions but sober enough for active participation. And I call it, ‘The Drinking Game’, but Cat calls it, “Circle of Death”. Yes, even for drinking we try to make everything sound cool.

The two extra cocks are dormant all night and one of them was engaging the games almost passively. We don’t really care either way since LB, WhiteBoy and I are usually domineering and vocal enough to over-shadow most men, or boys for this instance.

LB and I properly introduced how the game was played with two additional rules, a ‘punishment’(it’s drinking, I can only see good in it) to drink if anyone spoke in English or said the word ‘drink’.

By the time we were almost through with one deck of cards, everyone had probably laughed enough to exercise their facial muscles to put botox out of commission for the next 12 yrs. Then it went a little crazier.

In between the ritual that is photo taking, one of the girls, commented about how much she loved LB’s T-shirt and we decided to do a three way clothes swap. She would get LB’s top, LB would take mine and I took the best bargain of all, her top.

It was some sleeveless black blouse, which everyone in room broke out into laughter after I had it on. Next I knew, they were taking turns trying to stuff crushed paper into my chest for an accentuated cleavage. Cat was aggressively applying make-up on me and all I needed was a Bogetta purse and some red stilettos and I would have qualifies for a 2 feet walkway at Changi Village.

I don’t really remember the full carnage of photography I did, but I do remember a lot of crazy shots of me fucking cookie monster, LB mock spanking me and I remembered someone giving me a yellow bra, which I donned as a headgear.

We then started some serious karaoke session, which was absolutely hilarious cos no one else was singing. One of the girls was crying after getting off a phone call and sobbing about relationship issues and I was laughing my ass off singing to Bon Jovi’s ‘Never Say Goodbye’.

US: “Never say goodbye~ never say goodbye~ee aye..”
Girl: “I cant believe she did that… *sob sob*”
Me: “HAHAHAHA… ~holding on we gotta try~ holding on to never say…~”
LB: “Dude shut the fuck up!”
Me: “never say~~goood~~byeeee

I was well intoxicated and everything was a great idea. Even laughing at the plight of the poor girl. If I had any more to drink, I’d have suggested an orgy and demanded everyone who wasn’t keen on it to fuck off.

We had the old school spin the bottle game, which was really just an excuse to kiss each other. WhiteBoy had already kissed make-up girl and I was pretty sure he’d have scored substantially if he wasn’t cockblocked by some other dickhead or her friend that turned up. Or in his words,

WhiteBoy: “We were hitting it off so much better than Saddam and Osama

Yet this was only the beginning of crazier things to come..

The hook up story.

I knew at some point I was going to get laid. This wasn’t too hard to deduce since Cat dragged me into the toilet for a quick make out. LB and WhiteBoy were already lazing off on the bed so I wasn’t going to waste an erection. Besides, I wasn’t sober enough to think of any consequence and I wasn’t going to pass off sex when it’s given to me.

We stole away to the next bedroom and Cat quickly locked the door behind before we wrestled on the bed. The girl was high and she was asking or rather requesting the funniest shit I’ve heard all night.

Cat: “Why didn’t you fuck me in there?”
Me: “In front of everyone?”
Cat: “Yes, I want you to fuck me in-front of everyone.”
Me: “Errr… no..”
Cat: “Why not?!”

I might have thrown a frown but I was also close to laughing my ass off if we weren’t unceremoniously interrupted with loud knocking on the door.

Cat: “SHIT! It’s my mother!”


Cat: “I’m in the toilet!”

Cat to me: “Shit. I think I was making too much noise.”

She scrambled off the bed to dash into the attached bathroom. This is great. Now what was I supposed to do? To say that I was in panic would be a gross understatement. Accidentally setting your neighbour’s trashcan on fire would be panic. Getting caught fucking an angry mum’s daughter, now this was catastrophic.

Random images of having a shotgun to my head and having to mow their lawn every morning raced in. I was half deciding between hiding in the closet or flushing myself down the toilet. Then a stroke of brilliance hit me.

I quickly cleared the bed, threw her bra under the bedside cabinet and pretended to be fast asleep in bed. Cat got out the toilet to open the door and I barely even moved or responded to anything she was saying. All I had was a theory. A drunk man sleeping cannot possibly be fucking. And I was going to stick to this, till the end.

When I finally rejoined the rest back in the room, Cat was randomly throwing out vulgar words like, “Shit, my mum caught me fucking.”, and I knew I was about to have the party ruined for everyone by getting us all kicked out. So I did the only responsible thing.

Me: “What fucking? I didn’t fuck anyone.”

I was going to stick to my theory for the remainder of the night and no one was going to change it.

I passed out on the bed shortly after with WhiteBoy, LB and one other cockblocker who was trying to stop WhiteBoy from hooking up with the make-up girl. I woke up because he jumped out of bed and the guys told me I was lying on his groin.

We left the place 7.30 in the morning with WhiteBoy still in bed and refusing to move. I carried one of the girls from the other room and had her sleep on the same bed as him and LB, Cat and I left to catch a ferry.

I’m a horrible person. You all know that. But it should never stop you from dating me.


At 10:42 PM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

I still love u.. At least u're not getting half fucks...

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