Saturday, June 23, 2007

Butterfly's Motivational Slogans pt 1

We’ve all seen it. Motivational slogans plastered in cheesy 2 dollar Kodak prints. It’s commercial spam possibly written by absolute idiots trying to normalize our flaws. It’s all about stating the obvious and telling you it’s okay to lose.

Do you really think people who write these shit are champions of their own causes? If you haven’t been fucked by reality yet, I’ll orientate you on this. Winners don’t have time to share their secrets with you. Why the hell would anyone want to share a winning formula.

If I find the cure for AIDS, you can be sure I won’t be sharing it. Unless it’s for a billion bucks.. and I get to marry Lee Hyori.

Reverting back. We have a poster by the entrance of my office. It's a picture of a Terry Fox wanna-be running on an endless road with Verdana fonted text glossed across the sides of it that reads,

the race is not always won by the swift, but those that keep running.”

This perks me up everyday. Cos’ there is obviously someone dumber than my colleague.

Me: “Don’t worry about sending out wrong emails. You’re safe until you start writing shit like that…”

The race is not won by the swift?! No shit Sherlock! I never knew this! I don’t think this is the same school of thought Alonso graduated from. Or how Ben Johnson must have felt breaking the 100m sprint records, even if he was on drugs.

If I win a race, watching my ass from behind means, you are fucked up and I just whopped your ass big time, and I’m also going to take your Golden Retriever home by the way.

The other most ridiculous winning advice I’ve heard was from the winner of the Subaru challenge many years back. In a post-celebratory event speech, he said,

I realized it’s not about mental endurance, it’s about keeping your hand there.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. What an idiot.

Wow, thanks! I’m sure that was a huge help to all future Subaru Challenge aspirants; they would never have figured this out! It’s like trashy magazine advices from meth-addict bimbos. I’m surprised he even managed to remember the rules of the game. The only thing that might top this is,

Just do your best.”

Here are some others.

"Never let defeat have the last word."

Ths is the reason people break up. Everyone just wants the last word.

"That's what learning is, after all; not whether we lose the game, but how we lose and how we've changed because of it and what we take away from it that we never had before, to apply to other games. Losing, in a curious way, is winning." -Richard David Bach

Raise your hand if you mumbled ‘what the fuck?’. If any one tells you losing is a way of winning, take three steps back, you do not want to be associated with losers. Only losers tell you losing is winning. If you are still within range, you are allowed to sucker punch them with your master hand.

But if you really need slogans, I have the perfect ones for you.

1. If you keep running, you might not win, but you will lose weight!

In place of some beat up guy running in an Adidas headband, you have one Whale in tight spandex running towards MacDonalds. That, will be the fastest way they can clear 5 metres.

2. Condom’s prevent the worst STD, Pregnancy.

It’s a life a saver. You might think sex is better without one, but nine months down and you have to clean shit and diapers, you are going to wish you had pit-stopped at the petrol station for new rubber.

Nothing is scarier than a picture of you carrying a kid with the disco in the background.

3. If you really want to win, cheat.

I’ve always emphasized this to my friends. If you failed your exam, it doesn’t mean you’re fucked up or mentally retarded. It just means you didn’t cheat enough. Well, but if you did cheat and still failed, then you are mentally retarded.

No one really tabulates morals into winning. If you win, you win. Tons of people cheat in Pro Wrestling to win. So, in motion with all existing political action or social movements, if the Americans are doing it, then it has to okay.

Winning is everything. I’m sure you don’t look at the loser of a boxing contest and go,

“Hmm, that guy looks like he is going to get lotsa pussy tonight.”

4. A guy’s attention is spelt, S-I-L-I-C-O-N-E.

We’re saving you a lot on cosmetic and investment in good conversation. If you ever need to work towards correcting your flaws in keeping a guy or for that matter, getting a guy’s attention, then I have a solution. Make that a pair..

SILICONE.

You’ll also be happy to find out that the success of hooking up or getting a guy’s attention in a club, is intricately and directly proportional to cup sizes. Look, I’d be give you one simple insight, if a guy says he’s only interest in the conversation,

He is gay.

5. Responsibility, is purging after a buffet.

We have to stand together in these dark times against our society's greater threat, obesity. Yes, it might seem like an awful waste to be vomitting that sumptuous 6 course spread, but it's better wasting $60 of food than being ostracized by everyone.

6. If you fail to plan, take an MC.

Yes, we've all heard the other more mainstream line, 'if you fail to plan, you plan to fail', but what good will this actually do for you. It's one of those lines that's really made more for kicking you when you're down than try to mitigate the predicament for you.

Well, then this is precisely why my slogan kicks ass. I'm actually genuinely offering a practical solution. Imagine. You have a big meeting tomorrow, but you dedicated your entire night before to licking your whiskey bottle dry ( good choice ) and you've forgotten entirely about that big presentation you have to give the following morning.

Rather than fuck up the presentation and unintentionally confessing your inebriation by walking in reaking of cigs and alcohol, all you need is to avoid embarassment by taking an MC. If you haven't realised, MC's solve everything.

Tons to work to do? Take an MC. Late for work? An MC will do the trick. Need to attend a colleagues wedding? Save money with an MC.

Remember, your only responsibilty in this world, is to make yourself look good.

8 Comments:

At 9:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Those slogans are idiotics but yours are just plain lame.

 
At 1:05 PM, Blogger sÞ¡ηηєє said...

may i add these:

1.Quitters never win. Winners never quit.
But those who never win & never quit are idiots.

2.Procrastination:
Hard work often pays off after time,
but laziness always pays off now.

^___^

 
At 4:02 PM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

Cannot take MC if u don't want sex... Can use PERIOD!

 
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