Butterfly Attempts Pub Crawling.. Fails

Its been over 2 years since I last attempted a pub crawl. The last one I did with Eugg, we clocked 7 pubs and half of it we shamelessly bargained for free entry and promotional prices for beer. 2 years on, older but with significantly less maturity and an appetite to drink a brewery dry, I pitch my pub crawling plan..

We start off with dinner at Ember. Well it might as well have been supper and breakfast because it was a fucking expensive dinner. I start calculating the number of vodkas and champagnes I can have instead.

10.30pm: Dinner ends. I start suggesting fringe pubs. I throw up vulgar words like "Boat Quay" and "Mohd Sultan". Est is not pleased. LB is indifferent. Doh thinks Boat Quay is a great idea. She is immediately my best friend of the night.

11.00pm: We cannot get a cab. Est looks like she will stab our taxi driver. LB is still indifferent and Doh's enthusiam is waning. I am perhaps the only one who still believes pub crawling is a great idea.

11.20pm: We finally get to Boat Quay and we head off to find some pub that Doh's friends are at.

11.23pm: We ask for directions. No one has heard of the place before. Sounds like a great place to go already.

11.24pm: Kind bouncer points us in the direction. We think he is the kindest soul on earth and I contemplate giving me a handshake.

Bouncer: "Head straight up there, you'll see it"

11.26pm: We are lost. If we head up straight somemore, we'd be in Malacca catching fighting spiders. Bouncer obviously pointed us in the wrong direction, that idiot. We hate him and I start finding kerosene bottles to set his pub ablaze.

11.30pm: We finally find the place, which happens to be directly where we alighted from the cab. Obviously, enthusiam marrs our ability to read pub names.

11.35pm: The pub is a ktv joint. Doh's friends start offering us drinks. I suddenly think the night is going to be great.

11.45pm: I'm bored. I start telling LB that I'm going to tank myself up with alcohol shamelessly. I furtively start gulping all the drinks on our side of the table. LB thinks I'm an idiot.

11.50pm: Est engages in 5-10 with one of the guys. This guy says ONLY one thing in the game. "TEN!".

12.00pm: Doh starts another game of 5-10 with anoher guy. He also says only one thing, "TEN!". I deduce that this is a game that is disadvantageous to people with limited capacity in counting and vocabulary.

12.10am: Some dude pours green tea into my whiskey. I frown at him for diluting my drink. He thinks it's because I don't like green tea.

12.30am: We finally leave for some other pub to use the toilet. Don't ask why.

12.31am: Est suggest drawing cards to drink. We decide on tequila shots.

Me: "How much for tequila shots?"
Barmaid: "$14"
Me: "$14?! With a free bicycle?!"

We end up having Martini dry with coke. LB is adamant that the urine she just gave us isn't coke.

12.40am: Barmaid tells me that she gave me double pax for my drinks. I tell her that this is the most romantic thing anyone has said to me all week long. She laughs and thinks I'm funny.

12.45am: Barmaid gives me another glass on the house. I love being me.

1.00am: We decide to walk to another pub.

1.10am: Nearest pub we can dance at is about 3 years of walking away. I start getting sober so I become grouchy.

1.40am: We decide on The Clinic and I go straight to ordering a round of martini. I take a sip and we head for the dance floor.

1.44am: The music is so bad, only tone deaf people are dancing. We head back to finish the drinks and finally cave in to MoS.

2.20am: Est and I are plastered to the bar ordering continuous rounds of tequila shots and cocktails. LB has surrendered himself to sleep and Doh is occupied with one of her male friends. We complain aloud about them then realise our one true love is alcohol.

3.00am: I see people gathering around to watch something and realise Ash is giving a shuffle performance.

Me: "Is this the convention for envy? Why is everyone just looking?!"

One guy apparently got my sarcasm and he was laughing. The other girl just said, "We are watching the Melbourne Shuffle". What an idiot.

I was high and very amused by the crowd that shuffling was drawing. One guy started going into the circle to dance. He was horrible, he wasn't shuffling and he looked like he was going to poke someone accidentally in the eye before the night was over. I shouted,

Me: "Hey kids, this is what happens when you take too much drugs!"

3.10am: I am now the guy who shouts alot.

3.11am: People start moving into the circle. Ash pulls me in, "Let's show them our stuff", and for a moment I thought we were going to strip.

3.14am: I am now the guy who shuffles and gets free drinks.

Ash drags me off and rambles something about having her drink spiked but my immediate concern is when my next glass of whiskey is coming.

5.00am: Indian guy tries to pick Est up. I, in an irrational state, taps him on the shoulder and tells him, verbatim, "fuck off".

His friend is staring at me and wants to pick a fight. I measure the odds. There are 4 of them. I am half pissed, too tired to even dodge a punch but in full confidence of the bouncers. I wave them off.

The friend is absolutely furious at me and the only thing keeping me from pissing my pants is my very poor assessment of the situation when I am inebriated. Thankfully, he has one sober friend that is keeping him from beating the shit out of me.

I live to get drunk another day. I love myself.