Lesson 4: Pick Up Lines

How to get drunk in 30 mins? Aced that subject. How to insult Whales? No one does it better than me. How to administer a break up? Pay attention to what I say. How to hit on trannies? Bow to me and thank God you found my blog.

But a discourse on pick up lines? I'm probably the worse person to be penning three sentences of this, but as of last Wednesday, I can tell you the merits of being sober and witnessing the "Don'ts" of pick up one liners.

I'll break it down for you (at the expense of a particular fisherman) on when you should never engage a conversation with,

"Can I buy you a drink."

1. Ladies night

For men, having to resort to purchasing power for a girl's attention, you are Shaq at a 3 point shooting contest. Yes, you can tickle the girl's pallette at Zouk with an offer that will save them $40 and contribute to their Monday manicure, but offering to buy drinks on a night when ladies drink for free?

You're better off extending your services to take food for me at a buffet.

You offer to buy the ladies a drink, they tell you "it's ok", so you say things like "I'll pay for your drinks" and "I'm buying". They are don'y not jump at your offer and you complain about the girls upmarketing themselves.

Do you REALLY need me to get Nancy Drew to solve this mystery for you?

If you've been out with TheCaptain, you'll salute him for his sheer tactical devices in formulating storylines and adequate preparation to see out his adopted persona. I'm talking deliberate (or accidental) bad dressing just to prove he's not local. That's until he gets drunk, then he loses that one pivitol factor that gels his game. Rationality.

The thing is, TheCaptain has only and I emphasize ONLY one medium of engaging communication. Drinks. He starts off with playing up that exotic factor of the accidental tourist cashing in his chips on a bad night with audibly passable music and fringe crowds. Everything angles to his one favourite arsenal,

"Can I buy you a drink."

Zouk has had a renovation, Wisma's gotten a new food court and Brazil aren't the soccer kingpins they once were, but you'll think couple of years on and TheCaptain would have learnt new words. But No.

It's the singularly most used (and failed) pick up line. I'm not discrediting the merits of free drinks or the actual effectiveness of it, but com'on, on ladies night? Isn't it a rule to foremostly understand the mechanics and subsequent reason for buying drinks? Buying drinks are like buying someone's conscience. Just so that our conversation with them will last the ensuing lag it takes for her to tip her martini glass from a sip to a gulp.

Chemistry? No. If there was any, the drinks would be the icing and not the ice breaker.

My reasoning with TheCaptain to exclude offers to add drinks to a trio's already filled table ended in failure, fell to deaf ear He approached, much against caution from me that one of them had already returned a jug to another table when the guy bought them a jug.

Me: "Babe.. don't bother. That guy just bought one...."

And before I even punctuated myself, TheCaptain proved that having too much belief in tactical superiority was suicidal.

TC: "Fuck! I will buy them 2 jugs!"

And he walked off to start something that I already knew how it was going to end.

2. A Filled Table

Which brings my story back into continuation.

I already knew TheCaptain was going to have his offer turned down. It's obvious. He just didn't know it yet but he was maneuvering himself into a foetal cock blocking predicament. The good thing about being inebriated is that shame, rejection and embarassment are water off a ducks back.

Why would you add drinks to a stock pile which they have problems finishing? It's like selling condoms to eunuchs. You know it's good for them, but they don't need it.

3. What really works..

A good pick up line is a good measure of rationality and logic. It works because it engages. I have great pick up lines but I doubt many of you have the fortitude or guts to exercise it. Plus, it usually only works for Ladyboys.

Me: "Your boobs are fake."

9/10 times I'll get a positive reaction. The one time it failed, she turned out to be a real woman, didn't think I was funny and said some nasty four letter words to me like "what?!" and "rude". If you said that and didn't get a reaction, she's probably deaf and she has no reason being at the club to begin with. Sneak out, call security and have her thrown out of the club.

Whatever you do, DON'T be yourself. Why be yourself when you can pretend to be an astronaut.