It's Called..

One day I'm going to walk right into a parked car, break my ribs and I'm going straight to hell. The weekend was a blast but I said shit loads of mean and dumb stuff to people and if they were any smarter, they'd have figured I was actually being sacarstic.

Most people talk without realising what they're actually saying. If there was a marketing campaign for vodka, I'd have labelled this as Absolute Bullshit.

The BBBC Night.

With vodka bottles going for $118 all night, I'm erected faster than Michael Jackson at a childcare centre. The only thing that stood between me and what I would safely say the bargain of the month, was CokeWhore doing a math comparison of that against $66 for 3 jugs of vodka redbull.

Then you add one waitress that looked like she moonlights at the library without humour into the equation and you get one Butterfly joke gone wrong.

Waitress: "Get the bottle of Martell, it's $150 only."
Me: "Wahhhh. I want vodka."
Waitress: "Com'on where else can you find a bottle this cheap?!"
Me: "Ok only la.."
Waitress: "I tell you, there is NO WHERE in Singapore that you can find a bottle this cheap!"
Me: "Ya there is.. it's called DFS."

She obviously didn't think I was funny and I doubt beyond that round rimmed glasses, there was anything in her brain to dechiper my retort and like all nerds, she took it as a cue to engage me in a debate.

Waitress: "Hello loh! DFS is not a club loh.."

Talk to the hand. What an idiot. We ignored her and she refused to smile at me all night after that.

I've come to accept the fact that the great denominator in people's curiosity in my lifestyle is sustained by that magical figure of people I've stuffed into my pants. Do not bother asking, not when I have little interest in numbers and when the rule of the thumb is that men generally multiply the true figure by 3. Me answer ever since MissFeb asked me over supper long ago remains,

Me: "Do you count the number of times you've been to MacDonald's?"

Or the usual "who have you slept with?"

Me: "Everyone I've wanted to."

And the recent favourite, "When will you ever settle down?"

Me: "It's called Pregnancy."

My mum didn't think I was very funny either and she threatened to beat me silly with the kitchen table. No one seems to think I'm funny anymore.
-----

H: "Why are you always with a different girl every week?"
Me: "I have issues with attention span."
H: "Why? Every girl too boring for you?"
Me: "It's called CLEAVAGE."

-----

Faith: "I don't know why all these people sign up for expensive spa packages or go for surgery loh, I'm sure there's a cheaper and healthier way to lose weight."
Me: "Duh.. it's called exercising"

-----

And I have a new post, it's called.. How to get yourself killed.