Sunday, February 18, 2007

How To Be A Butterfly

I’ve been inundated with request for pointers on how to score with the girls. How do you have game? For girls, it’s easy, since men are generally cheap whores who will fall upon killer weapons like ‘school uniform’ and ‘plunging neckline’. Yes, you will massacre a good multitude of men. Me included.

And there’s the group of men whom society celebrates their ingenuity in sciences and academics and brandish tags of ‘role models’ upon them. Scoring in academia is probably the only thing they’ll excel in. If your pickup lines have words like ‘chemistry’ and ‘connection’, you’ve probably never seen tits in your life before.

Call it an insipid inspiration from Neil Strauss if you wish, but I’ll humour you with palatable pointers. How to be a Butterfly..

1. Knowing your strengths.

Success has no tolerance for delusions, nor does it digest ego well. Picking someone up is 30 % physical, 60 % conversational and 10% sobriety to entertain bullshit.

Firstly, know your niche.

I almost never pick up people from clubs for two simple reasons. I lose interest on superficial conversations faster than Britney changes husbands and I have a proclivity for scurrility under mild influences of alcoholic delights.

When I’m not inebriated and desperate enough to have intellectual asexual conversations with random hot girls, I size up my choices and make the move for whoever yields the greatest success rate.

I know my corner market, Thais. If I ever needed to write a book on how to pick up Thais, it’ll be one page long and bold fonts on the front page that reads, “YOU HAVE TO BE ME”. I know a best seller when I read one.

I’ll make it simple, if you’re farmer Joe, don’t expect to be fishing Giselle. Rule of the thumb allows you to hit on people 2 rungs hotter than you are. We only date upwards and we don’t expect charity.

Remember, always play to your strengths.

I’m bad at club banter so I generally do not wish to engage strangers in conversations, but if you ever need pointers on how to get a reaction from a girl, I’m the perfect guru. I have enough lived experience on this to bowl you over.

Me: “You have a sharp nose.”
Girl: “Thank you..”
Me: “Are they real?”
Girl: “Duh.. of cos they are!”
Me: “They are huge..”
Girl: “FUCK YOU.”

Eg. 2

Girl: “My friend thinks you’re cute.”
Me: “Is that the best you have?”
Girl: “FUCK YOU… WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!”

In both instances, I managed to get the girl to profess their desire to bed me. I get women excited all the time, they’re always yelling at me.

2. Never be nice

I may be an asshole to you, but how many of you can honestly say ‘I’ve never lied to get into anyone’s pants’. Yes, I’ve NEVER needed to lie to anyone to sleep with them and I won’t start for anyone. If you are dating me, you will know perfectly well that promises are luxuries I will not spoil you with.

I call it dating me at your own peril.

Girls love the bad boys, we all know that. MissFebruary said the one attractive feature in me is that I’m unattainable. The nice guys take you out for dinner, splurge you with material niceties and practice decency and chivalry. I spare you the compliments, yawn at your jokes, preach decadence and I’ll still have you take me back to your room.

Nice guys finish last. Don’t we already know that. Like I’ve always said, ‘if you open the door for them today, they’ll expect you to wipe their ass tomorrow’.

3. The conversational tease

The tease is the single most important verdict in your pending success. Good humour and wit drives the opposition deep into extra playing time and it’s your tease that will determine the game.

Two things, you’ve got to learn, ‘Conversational Punctuations and Continuations’. Conversational Punctuations are used when you want to end a conversation, used only when the subject is ugly or fat. Example,

Girl: “I think you’re very pretty (good-looking).”
Me: “I know, I think so too.”

Subject tries to fish a reciprocating compliment and fails. However, if the girl was hot, it should be played out like this.

Girl: “I think you’re cute.”
Me: “Are you reading my mind?”
Girl: “Why?”

You just managed to take the conversation one step further. Hold the champagne, but give yourself a sip of whiskey for the job well done, so far. I’m sure you can handle the situation from here on out. Look, if a girl compliments you, you don’t have to impress her, you only need to NOT fuck up.

Never be generous with your compliments. I’m never one to compliment, nor tell you anything remotely sweet incessantly. And the starvation from physical recognition and appraisal is quite a tool for seduction or so I’ve been told.

4. Divide Attention

I’ve a social disease which prevents me from focusing on one person for an extended period of time. My ailing attention and divided interest is a mirror of my emotions. I’m heavily compartmentalized, which is why no one affects me or upsets longer than it takes to clip my nails.

The downside to having my curse of serial dating is that one day, two women are going to fight over you and you’ll be punched in a club. I did. I teased one of the girls on being jealous and she responded with a sucker punch to the mouth.

Me: [clutching my mouth] “What the fuck was that!?”
She: “Nothing..”
Me: “YOU FUCKING PUNCHED ME!”

I was caught entirely off-guard. You can’t imagine how a sucker punch turns you into an absolute pussy. I turned to Unicorn and LB and bitched about getting punch before dumping her ass on the dance floor.

10 mins later, she’s calling me asking if she’s going home with me.

Me: “ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?! YOU JUST PUNCHED ME!”
Fiona: “I know, I was angry. Can I go back with you?”
Me: “YOU JUST FUCKING PUNCHED ME!! YOU THINK LEH?!”

It also helps if you date psychos.

5. A good introduction

First impression counts for a lot. The opening pick up line is going to determine how much time the opposition is going to entertain you with. I have several classics.

Me: “HOO shit, you are hot!”
Girl: [stares wide eyed]
Me: “Worst.Reaction.Ever

She didn’t think I was very funny and the guys had to drag me away cos the girl was an absolute whale and I was drunk. I love my friends. I’ve gotten away with a lot of obnoxious demeanor and its surprising how forgiving people are to me. If there’s one thing you need to know, is that when people show any interest in you, exploit them.

There's only one oasis in a club with terrible music. Free drinks.

6. Arrogance

In small dosages, it’s a lethal aphrodisiac.

Me: “I will fuck you.”
She: “You can try..”
Me: “I’d love to hear that same arrogance again after I’m done.”
She: “Very cocky. Do you not know humility?”
Me: “Yes, that would be you kneeling over to kiss me.”

Yes, I can’t imagine life without me and when I through with you, you won't either.

12 Comments:

At 10:46 AM, Blogger Minister of Speed said...

worst.reaction.ever

haha.. i can so totally relate to that! i find myself thinking about saying that in many conversations! but usually i only end up running it through my head..

do you really voice that out at the other person's reaction? maybe i should try it. lolx..

well. interesting post. everything from your perspective. but not everyone will be able to pull off what you've managed to, and will continuing doing indifinitely, you know... hahaa..

 
At 9:48 AM, Blogger sÞ¡ηηєє said...

drinks can do wonders: whales become hot. urgh!!!!

hahaha nice start post for cny. More! more!

 
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