Things To Do After Sex

Bedroom etiquette is almost an inversion of societal norms. Ass licking, nose picking, endless spews of expletives and choke holds are mutual courtesy spankings we’re allowed to dispense under the guise of foreplay. And when all that erotica and carnal pruriency has been exhausted at the expense of a French cap, what are we suppose to do?

Do we cuddle? Take a shower? Fetch the papers? Are we even allowed to light up after sex? What really is the proper post-coital etiquette?

I’m equally guilty of being caught in abeyance in a crossfire between morally right and politically safe. 2 years on and countless of fuck ups later, I correct myself. I WAS ignorant to the Do’s and Don’ts.

Things You Should Do After Sex

1. Cuddle

Cuddling is almost mandatory, even if you picked her up from the bar 2 hours ago. That’s if they were any good with the hip thrust or seasoned users on the iGallop. If sex was good, a few minutes of pillow talk is a good way to ensure this one nighter blooms into regularity.

If she’s a bad conversationalist, you can stare at the cleavage. Nothing beats talking distracted.

Cuddle for 2-3 mins. If they demand for more, punch them. HARD. Preferably with your master hand. Cuddling is sweet for only the first 2 minutes, or 3minutes if the room is well air-conditioned. After that, reality sets in; it's called heat rash.

It’s important that you let your partner know that cuddling is not an entitlement. Cuddling is a reward for merits earned during the bedroom frolic, which includes odourless encounters, shaven armpits and enthusiasm. If they ever step out of line and believe it to be a given, a good ass whooping will set them straight. Brass knuckles thrown in if we need to.

2. Clean up

Even if sex was that wonderful and exhaustive, hygiene must never be neglected. Plus, it can be erotic to have some one clean you up. Remember, nothing beats having her shower you, unless it’s having her sister join in.

Additional, cleaning up ends whatever pillow talk vulgarities like “love”, “be with you” and other horrible sounding confessions that might follow after sex (depending on how well you’ve educated your partner). This is a good thing. Think of them standing up by the bathroom as a semaphore. It’s your one visual cue to know that this is the end and you might want to start planning the next hook up as soon as the shower tap comes on.

Rule of the thumb, the faster you clean up, the faster you get them out of your place.

3. Pay

It’s a customary practice for an insidious fraction of men. Well, it’s a mandatory token if you do not wish to have your ass whooped by the pimps. If you’re Caucasian, your D cup, 23 inch waist Thai companion can probably whoop your ass with ‘her’ heels off.

Unless you’re me, and have equal luck in dating idiots that take every word you say to be abided by religiously, then you can get them to pay you for sex. Yes, the world IS indeed unfair, thus exploiting idiots are commendable affairs.

4. Check the ID

Preferably to do this in stealth. Whether it is to ascertain the sex or the age, some things are best known. I know, this should be done before sex, but the last time someone took a quick sabbatical from ‘in the heat of passion’ to go lock car doors, he ended up having to watch midget porn. Alone.

Better late than never. Well, if she does turn out to be a minor, you can kill her while she’s sleeping. Look, you’re already going to prison for statutory rape so you might as well make bold your prison resume with murder. I’ve heard enough sodomy stories to know that rapists can shit faster than anyone after 3 months in detention. Nothing beats dying an anal virgin.

I’d also be very pissed if someone tells me her name’s Jamie and I see James on the identity card.

5. Ask for the name

If you haven’t already, now’s a good time.

It’s ok if they start screaming, I get that all the time.

6. Lie

You can make penance with God later, for now you need to engage all ensuing questions with a good dose of lies. It’s only natural since people consume bullshit as a daily staple and they love hearing only the good things.

While I do not naturally encourage lying, I’ve learnt through experiences, dramatic and traumatic that the best way to get out of a fix, is to lie.

Sex is bad, the girl is crazy. You do not EVER tell her sex was bad, not unless you want to wake up the next morning to find your testicles on sale on eBay. You say nothing, just smile.

She: “Was it good?”
You: *smile*

She gets to keep her pride and you get to keep you your organs.

Things You Should NOT Do

1. Sing

Once this girl sang church hymns right after sex and I couldn’t walk into church without giggling for a month. It’s not just the genre of song, but seriously, singing after sex is akin to begging to be punched in the lips.

2. Propose

Think about it. You just had a corporeal feast of human skin, sex was divine and you’ve not had anyone lick your feet with such venereal delight. Now, do you really want to ruin a moment like this and your future possibly, by proposing?

Proposing is not going to work either way unless you know you were absolutely mind blowing and she was actually calling out your name instead of God. I’ll put this in perspective. If you were mediocre at best and you barely lasted longer than The Hanson’s popularity, you are traumatizing a poor person with your offer of commitment.

Beer is ok for a lazy afternoon but you can’t always be doing beer, not when you can occasionally lick whiskey.

3. Cry

I don’t care if it’s tears of joy or pangs of guilt, or fellating a lamppost was better than the sex. You do not cry. Never.

You can cry because Brazil didn’t win the World Cup or missing the finale of Prison Break, but never after sex. If there was a singular action that can kill your desire to ever commit to a second foray under the sheets, it’s crying.

Cry, and you’ll have your ass unceremoniously dumped and if time permits, kicked.

4. Read books on Single Parenting

Won't this just be the greatest read... EVER.