Thursday, April 05, 2007

Butterfly's Marketing Pt 2

It's been a long wait. I'm secretly guilty of keeping the blog in abeyance and holding you in fervor for the next post. Yes, hit the gavel if you said that's marketing. I call it demand and supply. I write something you like, you come buy me a drink.

Let's get this over with.

1. You chat up someone at a club. Your interest in her background is a ruse to blindside your true intentions of self marketing. You ask things like "What do you work as" just so that you can tell her you're a lawyer and "I'm jet-lagged" just so she know that you've been further than the Causeway.

You don't really care what people have to say just as long as they listen.

Now that's Infomercial.

2. You know your clubs well and where to find the right crowd. You know where to snag that pilot, or have your ass odiously groped by foreign men. On other nights, you like to sneak out the cloying romantics or the thrill of having an ashtray randomly flung at you.

You know the right clubbing ettiquette or if neccessary, the right Hokkien expletive to blend yourself in. You know the crowd and when to tease the cleavage or to reserve yourself by the bar with Martini Biancos depending on the prevailant competition.

That's Market Profiling.

3. You're an average girl. You enter the club with little interest from the crowd. You order a glass of Scotch on the rocks and men suddenly start paying attention to you. The music gets better and you're feeling high so you start dancing. More men start looking at you.

You ride the momentum with another order of Stout and you start dancing more frantically. More people begin looking at you.

You feel the intense gazes and men breathing down your neck. You're impluses rage and you catipulate yourself to the inebriated impetus. Inhibitions has lost its sense of comprehension to you. You start dancing seductively on the platform. The poor lighting and your sweeping fringes are working in your favour and you are at your social vertex. Everyone is looking at you. You love being you.

10 mins later, the drinks kick in and you fall off the platform. People start laughing at you and someone throws in a foot (or two) while you are on the floor. You're no longer hot and no one gives a shit about you. You start to cry, no one cares so you slit your wrist with the Tuborg bottle cap. You hate being you.

Now that's Product Life Cycle.

4. From the bar, the girl dancing on the platform is the hottest peice of ass you've seen all night. She's so hot, she can legitimately boo at the paralympics and still have men clapping for her. You make your move and throw everything including your Dad's Ferrari at her.

You start dancing up to her and before you know it, you have successfully skipped conversational foreplay and jumped right into tongue kissing. For the remainder of the night, your conversations are mainly with her breast and you opt entirely for whispering into her ears.

Everyone is in awe of you.

5 hours later, you wake up screaming.

The foundation is off, the mascara ruined and the remnants of her blusher still trail across the pillow. Her eyes are suddenly obnoxiously corked that she only needs them slightly spaced apart to qualify as a chameleon. Her face is pot-marked and you don't know whether to kiss them or to play hop-scotch on it. She only needs to flash her 3 inch penis now...

You are in disbelief and you swore your mother swapped her in the morning to occlude you from sleeping around.

That's Deceptive Advertising.

5. You drive to a club, your windows are down and your head is inched to the outside. Your Ferrari may be one of the fastest production cars in the world but suddenly at the club drive in, your car is moving so slowly that people start wondering if you're tarring the road. Even the Picanto's are horning your ass.

While making an exit, you get into a heated debate with the valet because he forgot to straighten your wheel. Now that you've gotten an audience, you make sure everyone sees you leave in your chick magnet of a ride... with your best friend and you head to Thompson for Prata.

That's Publicity.

6. You're chatting up a girl by the bar and you've bought her significant amount of drinks. The chemistry is right but you're not sure if your charm is functional in sobriety. You deduce that beyond her threshold, every additional alcoholic indulgent will proportionately meliorate your chances of taking her home.

That's Marginal Analysis

Then one drink too many and she goes from being horny to giving the table a blowjob. You have to hold her head to the side because she might choke on her own spew. Taking her home is now the distant utopia.

That's HAHA, You got Fucked.

7. You just met a girl and she gave you the best blowjob in the cubicle. You come out and share the story with you friends and before you know it, she's lining them up by the toilet in descending bulge sizes.

Now that's Word of Mouth.

8. You're not pretty and neither can you dance. The best thing going for you is the well endowment of good cleavage. Rather than spend time subscibing to Shiseido preaching, you opt for low cut blouses and barebacks.

You know your strengths and you play to it. You start all conversations with a quick contraction of the shoulders forward and you have a nasty habit of leaning over tables. At times, you choose complimenting Christian names like Mimi or Papaya.

You're conversational proficiency is bordering retardism and you think per entry parking is misleading since payment is upon exit. Thankfully for you, superficiality is the word of the day and cleavage is all you need to keep men interested.

That's Packaging.

9. You're in the same black top as the girl across the table. Blame it on sheer coincidence or that irresistible Mango sale, but she's getting all the attention and you're not. You wonder why, so you take out your Char Siew Bun and munch. I'll tell you why. She's hot and you're a whale. You're lucky people aren't throwing flying kicks like they should at you.

That's Product Differentiation.

10. You've been wanting to lose weight in awhile and your friends suggest on hitting the clubs to dance the flabs away. Pause and reconsider your friends, cos they are obviously idiots. There are only two ways to lose weight fast. Bulimia and lyposuction.

Look, it'll take you 2 seconds of puking to attain what will normally take 2 hours in the gym to achieve. You're a smart girl and clever enough to disguise your addiction to fingering that throat by drinking. 6 glasses on, you're well tanked for the night and you're legitimately allowed to puke at least once. And no one will suspect a thing.

That's Kick Backs.

11. You're at your favourite club hangout. On good nights, the place is swamped with beautiful people and you're contented to having your feet stepped on by them. Tonight, you've come out in force. You're pimped out in that Armani pressed suit and you're learning new words like 'Moet' and "Cheers". But suddenly, the place is looking more like the Superbowl of suasage buffet and the prettiest girl is the by the bar scratching her armpits.

You're pissed (and you should be). You just blew a couple hundreds on the drink tab and there isnt a refund for your suit.

Now that's Market Depression.


At 3:27 PM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

Sounds like a true marketing guru. =)

At 1:38 AM, Blogger sÞ¡ηηєє said...

quit ur shipper's job! go & join some marketing firm!!! u will be highly soughted after!

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