Friday, March 30, 2007

Butterfly's Marketing Pt 1

If you’re a marketing student struggling to grapple the essentials of marketing, your best bet for a distinction is, cheating. Or, you can flag down a cab to the club, get drunk and realize the best marketing lecture should be held at a disco. Champagnes and high heels included.

For a start, marketing is imperative when it comes to scoring on free booze. Everyone does it. Shamelessly or sub-consciously, I leave it for you to tease your conscience, but EVERYONE subscribes to it.

I’ll break it down for your digestion.

1. You’re decently hot. On good days when your pimples decide to behave, you have people taking second glimpses at you. You hang out with friends who are ugly and it’s a wonder why their parents haven’t tried to poison their milk yet. You instantly stand out because you’re the hottest piece of ass in that 5 metre radius.

That’s Prime Location.

2. You meet someone you like. You try to appear every where with a good guise of subtlety in hope of catching their attention. Occasionally, you get your friends to call out your full name and IC no. within earshot of them.

You may even drop your name card.

That’s Product Placement.

3. You’re hot and you know it. The problem is, the Plastics are in town and you have to contend to distracted gazes from potential admirers. What do you do to get attention? You get up on the podium to sweat it out.

That’s Advertising

4. While its not uncommon to find one girl amidst a sea of mediocrity, people of generally the same measure of ‘hotness’ tend to herd together.

Simply put, hot people hang out with hot people and whales with whales (yes, together they beat anorexia). Call it herd mentality, social brackets or what you may.

But that’s Branding.

5. In a situation where there is one ugly ass hanging with the hot people, you can be sure that Ugly ass will be a potential cock blocker, since no one with enough sanity and decency is going to entertain her.

For ugly ass, planting herself with hot friends will ensure that she gets a share of the attention. It’s a tested strategy. Seasoned fishermen all know that the wingman is created solely to take the cock blockers out of the game. You want to know the hot girl, you have to take the ugly one along.

And this, is Stock Clearing.

6. You’re trying to hit on that hot chick by the bar. You’re buying her and her friends endless rounds of martinis and throwing her words like “my car”, “condominium” and “banker”. You’re prepared to flash a copy of your bank statements to her.

She’s not baiting but you’re heeding your parents advise on persistence and you’re flexing your arms to show her how well you can flip pancakes for breakfast.

She says no, but you think she’s playing hard to get and you say stupid things like ‘I love challenges’ to your friends.

You may be a moron, but that’s Hard Selling.

7. You’re hot. You have at least 2 guys hitting on you simultaneously and covering your club tabs. You’re a capitalist and smart enough to know that competition progresses everything. You start your conversations with desires like ‘I’m thirsty’ and you escalate it till one of them calls for a Dom Perignon.

You’re measuring biceps and eyeing bulges in pants. For guys, you’re counting calories and sizing up the cleavages. You sneakily peak at the credit cards and home address. You finally sell your smile to the best of the litter.

That’s Auctioning.

8. You’re a whale, ugly and obviously blind because you think you’re hot. You walk with a cocky swagger (possibly due to the constant self wedgies) and the only reason people turn to stare is because you’re knocking into everyone.

You stand by the bar trying to look pretty and people are looking because you’re taking up ideal drinking spots. You think you’re Ai Tominaga strutting down the catwalk and you engage conversations with arrogance and think every guy saying ‘excuse me’ is trying to hit on you.

And when someone, voluntarily or wagered (hands up if this is you. I have my hands up.) chats you up, you hint for drinks.

That’s Overpricing. Keep that up and you will have an ashtray coming for your head.

9. You’re on the prowl. You engage the first eligible person like insurance agents on pensioners. You commit and you spend the night in their company. You snigger at other fishermen on their dormancy. 15 mins later, the crowd picks up and you realize you’re babysitting the basement bargains.

That’s Impulsive Buying.

10. You know your strengths well. If you have two left feet and struggle at clapping to beats, stay by the bar and brush up on your conversational proficiency.

You’re ugly, but you dance well. You wear a cap to keep your face half covered and you dance away from direct spotlight but visible enough for people to spot you.

That’s SWOT Analysis.

11. You get hit on by someone and he’s persistent about you going back to his table for more drinks. There, you get introduced to everyone and the only name you remember is “Hi..”

His friends starts taking turns to talk to you and your drink is constantly kept breaching the brink. You find yourself entertaining suggestions on potential dates with them and you’re too passive to say you want to leave.

Now that’s Time Sharing.

12. The night is fucked, the music is bad and the patrons are regulars at the Sizzler buffet. The crowd starts exchanging their “I beat anorexia” t-shirts for “Frodo is my homeboy” jackets. From time to time, someone will offer you his “only cool people club at Happy” baby tee.

You evaluate. Staying will incur beer money without the possibility of a decent hook up. You decide to go back to watch transsexual midget porn instead.

That’s Cost Cutting.

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