Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Butterfly Does Driving

If there was anything I’ve desired more in the last year, it has to be driving again (legally), even if playing dumb and engaging road bends with humility is a staple for the next month or so.

Yes, finally and I stress, FINALLY, I’m at my practicals. In simple math, that’s over a year of public transport or 15 months of ignorance to the discounts at Caltex. There is only one problem…

I don’t know if I’ve signed up for driving lessons or stupidity classes. I swore the air-con was blowing idiocy right at me. Despite telling him that I have a 6yr driving experience, I had to sit through 1 hour of basic driving education, which included,

1. Learning how to shift the gear.

For nearly 10mins, I was toggling between moving the gears sequentially from 1 to 5 to reverse and when I managed to impressed him with enough fluidity, he made me reverse the movements from 5 to 1.

If I had my hands any longer on the gear stick, I'm pretty sure I was going to ejaculate it just so that I can bukkake myself with redundancy.

2. Move forwards and backwards. Repeatedly.

If you see depression marks on the ground, that would be me.

The instructor had me do a routine road tarring. It had to be so, how else can you justify making an EXPERIENCED driver inch forward and backwards repeatedly over 10 mins. I only needed the car to be fitted with a suction infront to qualify as a litter remover.

3. Explaining the interior of the car.

This included having me try out the wipers, the horn, hazard lights and handbrakes. I briefly flicked the wipers through the various speeds and he made me do it again. Apparently, he wanted me to actually wait for the wipers to do one cycle. If you saw me nodding and smiling, you’d have given me an award for ‘Greatest threshold of bullshit’.

Wow, learning the wipers. Now THAT’S going to be a life-saver.

He quickly followed this up with a ground breaking progression of pace by explaining to me the speedo and tachometer and closed with a quiz on the fuel guage.

Instructor: "If the needle points to 'F' it means...?"
Me: "Full?"
Instructor: "And if it points to 'E' it means...?"
Me: "Empty?"
Instructor: "Correct."

I don't know if I should shout for joy or for a cab. Do people even get stuff like this wrong to begin with?!

I was well prepared for this. I knew I had to start from scratch, but this? No one said anything about starting with half a brain. When they said I had to learn all over again, I didn’t realize they actually meant learning EVERYTHING.

I always imagined that they’ll honour previous driving experiences, cut the bullshit, have me do a lap of the estate at 100km/h and we’ll even do the mandatory girl whistling at traffic lights. Guess not.

Only idiots need refresher courses.

1 hour later, I stalled the car whilst trying to move off in 3rd gear. Twice.

The only thing that stood between me and a certain effrontery of an accelerated license, was habit. Bad habits, if we’re being precise and I’ve already made a credible effort of not turning up for sessions inebriated.

The resolution of a matter is always rigid between conflicting perspectives. I think it’s perfectly ok to drink and drive but I’ve been faulted on that. They say stop lines have to be observed, but I think it’s road hogging.

Having an experienced driver retake driving practicals is far more than an ego bruise of sporadic critiques; it’s a blatant setup to tell you that you’ve been driving wrong all your life. Putting a driving instructor and I together, is like having champagne with high heels. Someone has to suffer.

1. I dropped the clutch once.

Instructor: “Wow, Jay Chou are you!?”

2. Stop lines.

Everyone with a license knows that stop lines are for pussies. If you stop before the line with no car in sight, you will be horned at. Mandatory spitting at, if you did that abruptly. The correct way to engage a stop line is to ignore all traffic and remember that you always have the right of way.

Apparently, the instructor didn’t seem to share my sentiments.

3. One handed drive.

It’s a habit to drive with one hand (hands up if this is you). One free hand is ALWAYS essential just in case you need to pick your nose or grab boobs. If you have to choose between gear changing and any of the pre mentioned, you should know that all good drivers are smart drivers. We go for carnal pleasantries, gears can wait.

I’m constantly reminded to keep both hands on the wheels and I’m not allowed to drive even with my hand rested on the gear knob. I’ve obviously been getting a lot of bad pointers from cabbies.

4. Never brake in neutral.

I’d be perfectly honest. Only sissies use engine brake. Real men just fly through windscreens or put airbags to the test. Look, if you buy a car, you’d at least want to test your airbags once. People who invented engine braking obviously never tried braking in neutral. It’s so much less tedious to execute.

5. No waving ‘thanks’ to motorist

I waved thanks to this guy in a BMW for giving way to me and I got corrected on it.

Instructor: “I’d do the waving, YEW just drive.”

And we complain all the time about absence of road propriety when the very institution we’re being educated from isn’t inseminating the right etiquette. Rather than sit back and be catechized with their brand of proper driving, I’d educate you on this,

Always give way to expensive cars. While its good to be hit by one, it’s not good to hit one. And, if a QQ tries to cut you, throw a coke bottle at it. It probably costs more anyway.

6. Fiddling with the air-con

Apparently, air-con adjustment is not part of the pre-drive check and I have a proclivity of regular adjustments. As my instructor simplifies, I spend more time adjusting my air-con than I do for the mirrors.

It’s pretty obvious. Why bother about the mirrors when you have someone next to you that will constantly warn you of danger. What’s paramount, is not perspiring. If you perspire while driving, you’re better off going public.

Now I ust need to bribe the testers...

15 Comments:

At 9:02 AM, Blogger sÞ¡ηηєє said...

hahaahhaha i forgot when's the last time i've stopped at the stop line... =\

anyway!!! you just STICK as close as possible to all the rules first during lessons/tests!

after passing the test, u can forget EVERYTHING what he says, i mean..most of everything. ;)

 
At 12:14 AM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

Driving lessons are crap!

 
At 11:28 AM, Blogger Coach Factory said...

longchamp outlet online, michael kors outlet online, burberry outlet online, jordan shoes, ray ban outlet, christian louboutin shoes, gucci handbags, louboutin shoes, coach outlet, louis vuitton outlet online, nike shoes, michael kors outlet online, coach purses, red bottom shoes, louis vuitton outlet, michael kors outlet store, louis vuitton outlet, oakley vault, polo ralph lauren, longchamp handbags, tory burch outlet, coach outlet, prada handbags, nike free, longchamp outlet, nike air max, kate spade outlet online, louis vuitton, polo ralph lauren outlet, true religion, tiffany and co jewelry, burberry outlet online, kate spade handbags, coach outlet store online, chanel handbags, christian louboutin outlet, michael kors outlet online, prada outlet, oakley sunglasses, michael kors outlet online, ray ban sunglasses, louis vuitton handbags, cheap oakley sunglasses, nike air max, michael kors outlet

 
At 11:29 AM, Blogger Coach Factory said...

burberry pas cher, oakley pas cher, nike air max, scarpe hogan, abercrombie and fitch, sac vanessa bruno, air jordan, converse pas cher, nike air max, longchamp, nike huarache, nike roshe, louis vuitton uk, ralph lauren pas cher, lululemon, timberland, mulberry, north face, nike trainers, nike free pas cher, new balance pas cher, lacoste pas cher, nike free, nike roshe run, hermes pas cher, tn pas cher, sac michael kors, louis vuitton pas cher, ralph lauren, nike air force, chaussure louboutin, hollister, ray ban uk, barbour, guess pas cher, air max pas cher, air max, hollister, longchamp pas cher, true religion outlet, michael kors canada, north face pas cher, nike blazer pas cher, vans pas cher, michael kors uk, true religion outlet, longchamp, sac louis vuitton, louis vuitton, ray ban pas cher

 
At 11:30 AM, Blogger Coach Factory said...

babyliss pro, soccer jerseys, canada goose outlet, herve leger, birkin bag, lululemon outlet, bottega veneta, asics shoes, insanity workout, moncler, roshe run, ugg, jimmy choo shoes, ugg outlet, ferragamo shoes, canada goose outlet, canada goose uk, wedding dresses, canada goose, giuseppe zanotti, mac cosmetics, p90x workout, ugg soldes, uggs outlet, canada goose pas cher, new balance outlet, north face jackets, valentino shoes, instyler ionic styler, rolex watches, canada goose outlet, ghd, abercrombie and fitch, mcm handbags, beats headphones, soccer shoes, uggs on sale, moncler, reebok outlet, nfl jerseys, mont blanc pens, marc jacobs outlet, north face outlet, ugg boots, vans outlet, hollister, moncler, moncler outlet, chi flat iron, celine handbags

 
At 11:36 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

louis vuitton, oakley sunglasses, ugg boots, oakley sunglasses, nike outlet, prada handbags, ugg boots, michael kors outlet, kate spade outlet, ray ban sunglasses, louis vuitton outlet, uggs on sale, oakley sunglasses, christian louboutin outlet, ray ban sunglasses, tiffany and co, michael kors outlet, oakley sunglasses, gucci outlet, tiffany jewelry, michael kors, michael kors outlet, louboutin shoes, louis vuitton, michael kors outlet, polo ralph lauren outlet, ugg boots, replica watches, burberry outlet online, cheap oakley sunglasses, jordan shoes, nike air max, nike free, longchamp, replica watches, nike air max, chanel handbags, michael kors outlet, louboutin, louis vuitton outlet, burberry, louis vuitton

 
At 11:39 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

louboutin pas cher, coach purses, hogan, michael kors, sac longchamp, lacoste pas cher, true religion jeans, vanessa bruno, abercrombie and fitch, coach outlet, sac guess, hermes, ralph lauren pas cher, coach factory outlet, michael kors, lululemon, nike blazer, nike air max, nike free, ralph lauren uk, air force, new balance pas cher, air jordan pas cher, true religion jeans, converse pas cher, nike roshe, north face, true religion jeans, ray ban pas cher, vans pas cher, nike roshe run, michael kors, michael kors, ray ban uk, nike free run uk, oakley pas cher, hollister pas cher, nike air max, nike air max, timberland, kate spade handbags, tn pas cher, coach outlet, longchamp pas cher, air max, north face, mulberry, burberry, true religion outlet, hollister

 
At 11:43 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

babyliss, north face outlet, north face outlet, giuseppe zanotti, s5 cases, nike roshe, louboutin, baseball bats, valentino shoes, beats by dre, ferragamo shoes, iphone 6 plus cases, ipad cases, bottega veneta, iphone 6s cases, hollister, mont blanc, nike huarache, birkin bag, iphone 6s plus cases, chi flat iron, vans shoes, nfl jerseys, soccer shoes, mcm handbags, hollister, abercrombie and fitch, instyler, timberland boots, lululemon, ralph lauren, new balance, soccer jerseys, celine handbags, jimmy choo shoes, herve leger, nike trainers, reebok shoes, iphone cases, insanity workout, oakley, p90x workout, longchamp, wedding dresses, asics running shoes, iphone 5s cases, iphone 6 cases, nike air max, ghd, mac cosmetics

 
At 11:44 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

ugg boots uk, converse outlet, lancel, gucci, swarovski crystal, hollister, barbour, moncler, nike air max, canada goose outlet, links of london, ugg pas cher, converse, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, barbour jackets, pandora charms, pandora charms, sac louis vuitton pas cher, pandora jewelry, vans, louis vuitton, moncler, canada goose, swarovski, canada goose uk, juicy couture outlet, canada goose, karen millen, moncler, louis vuitton, canada goose outlet, louis vuitton, moncler, canada goose, coach outlet, michael kors outlet online, montre pas cher, michael kors handbags, supra shoes, toms shoes, wedding dresses, moncler, doke gabbana outlet, moncler, louis vuitton, pandora jewelry, juicy couture outlet, ugg,uggs,uggs canada

 
At 10:30 AM, Blogger Lin Shijun said...

canada goose jackets
woolrich outlet
mulberry bags
canada goose jackets
ferragamo shoes sale
canada goose jackets
rolex watches,rolex watches,swiss watches,watches for men,watches for women,omega watches,replica watches,rolex watches for sale,rolex replica,rolex watch,cartier watches,rolex submariner,fake rolex,rolex replica watches,replica rolex
black friday deals
swarovski outlet
ray-ban sunglasses
ugg outlet
ugg boots outlet,ugg outlet
michael kors factory outlet
ugg outlet
fitflops clearance
burberry outlet sale
ugg boots
barbour coats
ugg sale
cyber monday 2015
fitflops clearance
ugg boots
oakley sunglasses sale
mulberry handbags sale
ugg outlet
fitflops clearance
uggs outlet
kate spade outlet
wellensteyn jackets
beats headphones
fitflops uk
tory burch outlet online
coach outlet store
burberry outlet store
snow boots
ray ban sunglasses
oakley sunglasses
cheap ugg boots
discount ugg boots

 
At 3:11 PM, Blogger Swati Patil said...

Thanks for visiting to this website.Nice post.
Packers and movers Lucknow
Packers movers in Indiranagar
Movers packers Gomatinagar
Packers Movers Hazaratganj
Movers and packers in Aliganj
Packers and movers in Alambagh

Home Shifting Lucknow
Vehicle Shifting Lucknow
Wharehouse Storage Shifting Lucknow
Corporate Shifting Lucknow

 
At 4:49 PM, Blogger Smita Jadhav said...

Thanks for sharing this post.Nice post.
Click Here...

 
At 12:58 PM, Blogger Akshay Sawant said...

Thanks for this post.
Visit Links:
Packers and Movers Mumbai
Packers and Movers Andheri
Packers and Movers Airoli
Packers and Movers Borivali
Packers and Movers Bandra
Packers and Movers Kalyan
Packers and Movers Kharghar
Packers and Movers Kandivali
Packers and Movers Thane

Home Shifting
Vehicle Shifting
Storage
Corporate Shifting

 
At 6:56 PM, Blogger Pranjali kapadnis said...

Thanks for this post.
Visit Links:
oyecity.com
Beauty Care Shops In Pune
Books Shops In Pune
Self Help Group Shops In Pune
Electronics Shops In Pune
Gifts & Youth Special Shops In Pune
Hardware And Sanitory Shops In Pune
Home Decor Shops In Pune
Jewellery Shops In Pune
Kids & Baby Products Shops In Pune
Kitchen Shops In Pune
Men's Fashion Shops In Pune
Sports Shops In Pune
Sweets & Cakes Shops In Pune
Tools Shops In Pune
Toys Shops In Pune
Women's Fashion Shops In Pune



oye city
Oyecity Blog

 
At 9:53 PM, Blogger Akshay Sawant said...

Thanks for this post.
Visit Links:
removal company birmingham
removal company glasgow
removal companies glasgow

 

Post a Comment

<< Home