Perth Stories - The Loose Stories

The Internet Lounge

I intended to blog some entries whilst I was there because there is seriously only so much you can do in Perth. I can count it with one hand. Getting drunk, getting stoned, getting skin cancer and kicking a seagull.

I finally decided to use the internet lounge at Burswood since I was staying there when I first arrived.

Me: "Hi, how much per hour?"
Lady: "Are you a guest here?"
Me: "Yep.."
Lady: "That's A$7.50 for a 15min block."

I'm fucking serious. I swear the only reason why I can imagine the pricing to be so was that internet must have just been intoduced into Australia this year. I'd do the math. By the time I'm done with this entry, I'll have enough money to buy Christmas Island back from Australia.

Me: "A$7.50?! It's cheaper for me to watch pay per view porn in the room."

I was kidding, but she obviously didn't appreciate it. She frowned so hard I half expected her to pepper spray me. Whatever. If you can't take a joke, go fuck a cow.

The Burswood Casino Story

I finally went to VIP room to find my Dad on one of the days. I was desperately bored and the internet pricing didn't leave me with much options. The place sucked cos they refused to let me in on pretext that I wasn't in proper shoes. It's fucking ridiculous. I have on a pair of Onitsuka Tigers, it does get any more appropriate than this!

I see men going in, in sneakers. This was absolute bullshit. I'm absolutely sure it's because I look like a kid. I was 2 sentences away from leaving totally, but I'm glad I didn't cos I learnt Baccarat and there was this hot young Asian chick who was seating next to my dad and I kept bugging him to break the ice.

My Dad bets about A$3-5k a hand and I'd follow his 'tips' with my miserable A$100 chip. The thing is, this is a win win situation for me. If he's tip fails and I lose, he compensates me for that lost bet when he wins the next hand. If I win, I'd wink at the girl and she'll ignore me cos she's betting in hundreds, but I win.

My dad is hilarious when he's gambling. He'd slip in golfing jargons as a measure of his confidence in his bets. 'Birdie' for very confident and 'par' for 50/50's. I love my dad and I think he's the coolest guy on the table... until one of his friend threw down a A$50k chip for a bet.

I want him as my dad.

Butterfly is high, gambles anyway Story.

I was pissed high and standing at the casino war table. Its a stupid game where one card is dealt each and the win is measure against who has a larger card.

I decided to bet A$50. The plan was to win on one hand and bail. A$50 isn't alot, but it would cover a little for the next night's drink tab.

I draw an Ace, Croupier draws a 4. I win. I am A$50 richer and I can have 4 extra shots tomorrow night. I decide to win another 8 shots. I bet all my A$100.

I draw a Jack, he draws an 8. I win. Gambling is now the best decision I've made all year long. I decide to be smart. I split my bets. A$100 for each hand.

I win on one and lose on the other. I split my bets out again and I win. Best decision ever. I am a gambling genius. No one is my equal. I decide to bet ALL my chips on one hand.

I draw a 4. I am fuck.. but just..maybe.. I might have a chance.

He draws a Queen.

FUCKING SHIT! I AM THE BIGGEST IDIOT IN THE WORLD. I'll just have 2 shots tomorrow.

Worst.Decision.Ever

I absolutely love the shirt I have on. I wore it twice but now it's fucking ruined. My maid saw a stain, bleached it and the whole shirt had HUGE patches of orange marks. ORANGE patches. Huge ones.

And if that wasn't enough, she got worried, tried to scrub off the stain so hard that she tore a hole in it. The world hates me..

My mum saw how pissed I was, tried to calm me by telling me to go shopping on her account. I still very upset over the whole thing cos Lacoste don't have it in stock anymore, so I'm very sure I'm going to go on a spree and my family might have to file for bankruptcy.

I am such a spoilt brat. I love myself.

Beautiful sunset and all, yes. But this place was also miles away from the nearest restrooms. I contemplated running to one but the teperature was falling pretty quickly and I didn't want my colon to freeze and wake up to some drunk pissing on my face . We ended up just taking a leak into the sea.

Best.Decision.Ever



That's Freo. Other than one market, some sparse shopping, cafes, pubs, the next most interesting you can do is try to kick a seagull.

I missed Armin by a week. Had I been in Perth a week later, I'd have been in time to go for his gig at Metro. Only thing is, tickets have been sold out for a week. I'm so glad I'm not in Perth. I'm pretty sure I'd have slit my wrist and spend my remaining minutes watching Koala's fuck. I'd probably die before they reach second base, but it beats getting killed by a Picanto.

If you don't know who Armin is, he's the 2nd best DJ in the World. Get that.. THE WORLD. Simply put, if he decides to play Britney Spears, we will still be cheering. I'd take that back. People in raves are pretty much drugged fucked. You can keep a track on replay and they'll still always be yelling,

"Dude! I Love this song!"