Monday, May 21, 2007

How To Date A Butterfly

I've been inundated with request to post on this issue. Okay, it's one formal request and a couple of other emails by other readers who've grown tired of my irregularities in blog updates and aberrance in content. Yes, I've a soft spot for personal emails and vulgarities.

Everyone in a skirt has a delicate attraction for the bad boys, you can disagree, but you are wrong. Santa only loves the people who've been naughty. Why else do you think I have a new handphone, pretty girls and a failing liver and you have nothing.

Dating a butterfly isn't as complex as you think it is. It requires two things; being hot and a striptease, preferably to have them both together. If you're hot, you can fall over while stripping and we'll still think you're sexy. You can be in Bridget Jones undies and we'll still believe if you said you got them off Victoria Secrets' retro collection.

That's cos all men are shallow. You can disagree, but you're either wrong or you're gay.

But supposedly. You go to a club, it's Ladies night and the bouncers insist on checking your ID and you're denied priority queuing. You go to the bar and the waiters ignore you. You strike your best pose, but the hottest thing about you is a heat rash and you have to block people's path for them to even say anything to you.

Then you really stand as much chance of winning over a butterfly as a child has of keeping his virginity at Neverland. If that is you, I'd warn you that this is a precursor for emotional suicide, but here's what you can do.

1. Drug him

One way of ensuring he goes out with you is to spike his drink, take him home and snap as many nude pictures of him as you can. Raping him isn't an option since flaccidity and drugs are complimentary brackets.

Remember, blackmail is only good for about 2-3 dates. If you're really ugly, really men would slit their wrist to end their misery.

2. Quid Pro Quo

Whoever said perseverance is the key to success is obviously a virgin and is still wanking off to transsexual midget porn. Listen to that bullshit and you will successfully force him to change his phone number. And if you're really good, you might even succeed in having him move his home address.

Everyone dates for a mutual benefit. Supported by empirical evidences, the one way to keep our attention is to offer us a novelty. Movies are common social mistakes, much like candle light dinners, star gazing and necrophilia.

You want us to think you're cool, take us to a strip joint.

3. Emotional check.

Always prepare to fail the first time, cos you will fail. Crying will only warrant a good quick jab to your throat with perferably our master hand. You'll be choking, coughing maybe and in danger of losing your life, but coughing is alot less irritating than crying.

If you're the type that cannot handle rejection well, it's probably cos you're hot and you've never had to content with 'No'. If otherwise, I'd hope you can slash your wrist well and die fast. The carotid artery is a decent place to start with.

The rule is simple. Playing a game is a matter of chance and choice. If you're not prepared to take a chance card, then don't roll the dice.

4. Playing their game.

There is never anything complex about men. We are defined by two things; Sex and Vodka. Add California Fitness if you're gay and Moschino if you're an Ah beng. We only desire the things we don't possess.

I'd advise alot makeup and patience. When we tire of pretty faces 14yrs down the road, we will start to think of you. Hopefully, you were an engaging enough conversationalist for us to store you into our limited 200 name SIM card folder.

You can start off as friends since it's the entry level for any excuse to send an sms. You can be nice with the occassional Paul Smith shirts for random presents but never show that you are at their back and call.

If they ask you out, pretend to check through your imaginary friends list for appointments. Then quickly cancel your appointment with your psychiatrist and take up their offer. A good guise to hide your obvious enthusiasm will be,

"No problem, but let me buy you dinner."

5. Sponge for bullshit

You have successfully subscribed to a month long process of 'mind-fucks' and disappointments. The current goal for you now is aiming for the reserve squad. Occassionally when he's bored or has had his date postponed, he will turn to the bench for substitutions. When he picks you, you mark down that date on your calender with "Yes! Got picked today!"

Expect to take alot of bullshit, but like blowjobs lacking emotional intimacy or enough $100 bills, you spit.. not swallow.

6. Complimenting

Pardon the equivocation, this has turned out to be an unintentional two tier factor. *insert self praises*.

Like all women, men love to be constantly praised. Yet this is the least important factor. Smart people will know how to record priases so that they can be replayed constantly while we are taking a well deserved dump after every Pizza Hut meal.

It's about keeping up your game with theirs. If they play it cool, you chill off abit and if he doesn't bait, you might one to stick to that drugged video of him. There will a come a point in time when we have to realise that chivalry isn't as productively and commercially successful as blackmailing.

7. Resolution

If you're smart enough to proxy caustic humour you'd understand one thing. Butterflies aren't meant to be caught. We need to stop for something.

I'd be honest with you. The one reason I've lost alot of interest in relational issues is because alot of people I've dated are dating me for the wrong reasons. If you're one of the many adopting the saviour mentality of being that one girl that will crumble us, then you've probably already failed even before trying.


At 2:14 PM, Anonymous jx said...

ok, tks. hahaha.

i think i'll stick to option 1.

At 11:16 PM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

Pour some honey for butterflies lor.. Will attract a dozen.. :p

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