Tuesday, August 07, 2007

How to get over a breakup

If you’ve been attentive enough to my preachings on ‘How to execute a proper break-up’, then you would have in your wake of destruction, left no room for regrets or threads of ex’s who still cling on to hope.

You should then proceed for a celebratory post break-up party, which includes, one part vodka, one part debauchery and three parts hedonism. Damnation can wait on this. If you’re going to burn in hell, what better way get through it than to re-toxicate and saturate your liver (and soul) with enough alcohol to start a campfire with your pee.

Now, but what if you took the burning end of the breakup?

Is there a hotline you can call? No, but if you are a guy, a quick flip in the Yellow Pages might work. *whispers*, look up under, ‘social escorts’. Which I will translate for you as ‘over-priced pussy’.

Suicide is too fast and time takes too long heal. Thankfully you have me to get you through. Between initial depression and eventual putting a bullet to your head, I’m sure you can find time to squeeze them in…

1. Alcohol

It’s the cause of all problems but if you have enough of it, it also solves everything.

Practically speaking. You drink, you get drunk, you pass out. If you had enough alcohol, you might subscribe to words like “comatose” or “black-out”. Either way, you’re going to wake up 3 days later and you can give yourself a pat on the back for passing three days without getting emotionally upset.

2. Friends

Well, friends are useful tools to make use of in the day. Sometimes you might have to really work for sympathy but they always give in to emotional blackmail at some point where their conscience can no longer allow them to sip latte in peace.

But, there’s only so much they can occupy your mind with. When you get home alone at night, with no one to turn to and antecedent memories start replaying themselves, all you need is, a dildo or an inflatable doll and porn, lots of it.

3. Flirt

The best way to get a person off your consciousness, is to replace them with another person of the same sex. In regular dating jargon, we call this a ‘re-bound’. This happens when you are miserable and you feel like destroying someone else's life. The rules of having or being on a rebound is to exploit the other person for everything it’s worth.

Firstly, you need to know clubbing antics, which I've dutifuly explained in my marketing thesis. The rules are so simple, even limb amputee’s can tie their shoe laces after this.

a. If you are flashing cleavages, you are entitled to one free drink. Men are visual creatures. The lower your neckline, the lower our IQ and once you’ve knocked back about ten glasses, you don’t really need cleavages anymore.

b. Always flirt with the important people at a club, namely the bartender or the cashier. During one-for-one offers, there tends to be an exodus from the dance floor to bar. Flirting with the bartender gives you priority queuing and if you’re really good, a free drink. Call it cheating your way in life but you’re really just simply meliorating your chance. It’s like carrying a 6yr old boy with you if you want to get backstage passes to Michael Jackson’s dressing room.

Now what good would this all do to you? Flirting empowers us by re-creating the dynamics of power relations and get something out of it. By flirting, you are actually putting control back in your life and control is precisely what people lack or rather lose when they are in a breakup, along with dignity, self-esteem and common sense.

Sure, flirting puts us in a precarious position of the public eye, since society is largely myopic to cock teasing, BUT it’s always better to be blue-balling some dickhead than crying your eyes out on the bedroom floor. Crying is good, but it always looks better when someone else is doing it.

4. Don’t get upset, get even

Revenge is like a Guatemalan whore with huge silicon tits and syphilis. They might look like a great idea to fuck, but it only makes you feel worse. There are more ways to get back at a person, intelligently.

Look, if your girlfriend cheated on you, fucking some whore is not going to set it right and neither will gang-banging Bangladeshi workers be a really neat way to extract revenge. Fucking her best-friend would be a really good idea but you really shouldn’t be doing that, but it would really mess them up. *insert cheeky grin here*

Well if you throw sex out the equation and setting their car on fire, the best way to actually get even with a person is to get on with your life and live it better. People don’t crawl back to idiots who spend their time mopping over some happy memory that is now over. A happy memory is you taking a picture with Mickey Mouse and gang at Disneyland, and then getting a blowjob by Goofy at the back alley. Wake up.

Simple equation,

Crying = Make up running = Ugly

As much as I hate to admit it, strength in character is a very attractive trait, it’s just somewhere below “nice boobs” and “tight ass”.

There is a correlation to the stronger you come out of depression and the faster they want you back. Nothing fucks them up mentally more than to see you unaffected by them, maybe except fucking their best friend.

5. Holiday

Your excuses say it’s a time to relax, sort out your thoughts and re-discover yourself. This is travel agent propaganda boosted and sustained by picture perfect postcards. Bullshit.

Holiday’s are for you to go out and get laid. Every time I’m out of the country at places with cheap booze, I get all excited, much like Steve Chia at a maid agency. And you realize that you don’t really have time to think about emotional issues because the bars look like they are giving away one chick for every beer you buy.

I don’t mean to pitch about Phuket or Bangkok randomly, but hooking up there is like fishing with dynamites. It’s so easy, you’d almost feel bad for trying.

6. Kick Ass

Nothing beats venting your frustrations than beating them up. Remember, the key to this is to not let up and kick them even when they are down. Rule of the thumb, throwing a punch at someone on the floor is a lot easier than trying to punch at eye level.

Do not let vulgar thoughts like “but I still love them” get to you. If someone ditches you it only means two things.

a. They are fucked up people. Which really justifies the ass kicking you are giving them. Aim below the belt, always clench you fist, lock your wrist and always punch with your master hand.

b. You are fucked up. Which makes it forgiving for beating them up. Jab their eyes if you really must, now is not the time to be changing people’s perception of you.

I’m only educing the facts but enshrine these words of value. You can apologise if you don’t feel better after an ass kicking workout, but it’ll only make you look weak.

7. Adopt a kid

I’m serious. Two days with a hyperactive kid and you’d be glad you’re single.


At 1:27 PM, Blogger dennis the menace said...

Amen to hooking up with girls in Bangkok! Haha! There's no better way to describe it than the way you did ;) Great entry!

At 12:01 AM, Blogger Derrick said...

Fucking her best friend. Nice.

At 6:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had my doubts at first but fucking his brother who had a long term/serious gf, really did make me feel better. Thx sexy ;)

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