The Car and Tissue Incident

Despite qualifying for the Mensa society and having an IQ higher than 85% of the general population, I’ve come to realize that I’m pretty much an idiot, 90% of the time. When I’m drunk, which is probably 40% of the time, I’m pretty much only smart enough to tell vodka from martini and I think everything is a good idea, picking up whales included.

It’s a matter of statistics. It eventually sums up idiocy.

Last Friday, I chalked up one more impressive feat. Now I just need to continuously keep this up and I can qualify for the next Olympics as a proud member of the Singapore Spastics Association.

While waiting in the car queue outside MoS, I decided to reward my patience and perfume myself with a Dunhill Frost. For those not readily familiar with this scent, it’s the same cigarette laced breath u get from Marlboro.

Just as I’m about done, a police car pulls up behind me. Well, it was actually behind me the whole time, I just failed to realize a white car with a damn beacon is the sole property of the police force.

And I became faced with the greatest dilemma in the history of mankind since Saddam decided invading Kuwait was a good idea. Women face such crisis after every shower when they have to pick their clothes. Do I throw the butt out the window or do I find a way to extinguish it inside? I weigh my options,

1. Throw the butt out..

Cops get out of car to knock on my door. I step out, try to bribe them, they reject and I get my ass beat to the ground. If I show enough contempt, they might tazer my ass. On top of that, I get a $500 fine and I have to show up in court.

2. Extinguish the butt…

I have no ashtray, nothing that seemed (at that time) remotely useful in snuffing out my fag and I was going to risk dangerous particles like loose ash and cigarette smoke to be lingering in my car.

I went immediately for option 1 since I’m adverse to violence and confrontations. I quickly pulled out a piece of tissue, folded it then attempted to extinguish the cigarette against it. I intermittently switched between twisting the butt against it and quick brushes, careful enough to prevent the tissue from catching fire. I finally wrapped the extinguished butt in the tissue and left it on the door handle. I am a genius.

2 mins on into my phone conversation with wildflower, I started smelling something. Almost like tiramisu.. I ignored the smell, attributing it to be from the linger aroma of the cigarette.
Then from the corner of my eye, I saw smoke coming out from the….. FUCKING HELL!!! I must have secretly picked option 3..

3. Burn the car

My tissue was burning up very quickly and in my frantic disposition to arrest the fiasco, I took another tissue to wrap around the one which was burning up. I slowly recalled my physics lessons. Fire needs oxygen to burn, hence covering the flame takes out oxygen and hence the fire.

The outer tissue starts to burn as well....

I start wondering if I got my brains at the discount section. I start blowing the tissue, which only sets it burning fast. In a desperate attempt to save my car, I contemplated throwing the tissue out the car. I’m sure the cops would be really happy about it.

Ashes start flying and falls to my lap. I spit onto the tissue to stop it from burning. Finally, I am back to being the genius I am. I look down to see the ash burning a hole on my pants. FUCK!

I might have broken the World Record for ‘Most number of expletives used in a sentence when alone’. If I counted the number of times I shouted “fuck”, “chee bye” and “oh shit!”, I would have enough words to write the 8th book of Harry Potter.