The Dating Showhand

Is dating no longer a journey of discovery?

As time comes to lay claim to my youth and society sheds its pseudo exo-skeletal of conservatism in favour of liberal pursuits, I’ve come to realize that dating is no longer a passage of chance and discovery of partners, but instead, it’s now a deliberate display of limitations and flaws.

Through time as my notoriety spreads and my face becomes increasingly familiar, I find a lack in the need for me to properly introduce myself. It’s gone from,

“Hi, my name is Butterfly. I am an asshole, I have short attention spans, no morals and no emotions. Commitments irritate me and expectations crumble me. If you are fat and stupid, you will be laughed at.”

To,

“Hi, my name is Butterfly, but you already know me. Are we hooking up?”

This was great for me because people already knew what to expect from me, and I always believed that honesty was the best foundation for any form of dating to be built on. It worked so well that 4 years on, I still remain single.

Yet of late, women too, are no longer contented to taking a leap of faith. Instead, we weave in our shortcomings in parabolic quips and anecdotal instances. We comment on our flaws blatantly to sift the eligibles from the generic improbable. We now play out our flaws and expectations like a game of poker, waiting to see who folds up first.

It’s almost like a filtering process where we say, “Here are my issues. Let’s date if you are fine by them”. And there I was thinking that contractual dates with a time expiry was something only I would propose. Then some time back, I found myself negotiating on dating terms.

It all started when she whined about lack of eligible men who would break her mould of boring pencil pushers. This was over a glass of Bellini and I thought it was absolutely ridiculous that she was having a drink with me and yet I wasn’t even considered.

I raised my hand in mock protest and questioned how she could ever have excluded me in her list when wit and humour played considerable catalytic nods in her choice of men.

She: “That’s because you are a very confusing guy. I think you are a very nice guy, but I also think you are a player. Which are you?”

On the one part, one testimonial of me sending a drunk friend home and not exploiting the situation -despite her having her hands all over me and her tongue very nearly in my aural orifices -, changed her perception of me. This was despite the fact that I explained that morals and chivalry had nothing to do with it, but only because she was drunk and I was worried she was going to chug on me.

I have no restraints when it comes to kissing hot women, and promptly assured her that if the girl was sober, I would have fucked her. I do not have that much integrity to de-track the advances of attractive women.

Me: “I’m definitely not nice.”

Then almost as if a defense mechanism kicked in, we started a list of anti-dating campaigns that would make Cupid turn in his grave.

She: “I’m not looking for anything long term, cos I’m leaving.”
Me: “It sits well with me that commitment is not your thing.”

At one point it spilled over to horoscopes, which I have no clue on as to the zodiac compatibilities because in my world, compatibility is measured in cup sizes, sex drive, dancing ability and choice of music.

And it’s an unorthodox exchange because in conventional dating, the right approach would be to impress, compliment shamelessly and then throw in a good dose of deception. Oh, we all know half the shit people say while they are trying to court a person only stays true till after the honeymoon period ends. It’s called a relationship life-cycle.

Yet, this has become strangely familiar to me. If I’m not keeping my distance and reminding people how much of an ass I can be, then it is them telling me how unpredictable and demanding they will be if we started dating.

It works like this,

Girl: “I need a lot of attention.”
Me: “I need a lot of space and time alone.”
Girl: “I need to know where my man is at all times.”
Me: “I hate having to report to anyone on my schedule.”

If I didn’t know better, I’d say we were made for each other. Whoever said relationships are built on differences is a moron and probably has a girlfriend with such enormous tits that it is solely sustaining the relationship.

The day it sags to her knees is the day he is going to realize that, that was the dumbest quote in history. Topped only by that Subaru challenge winner years ago who when asked what was his secret to winning said, “I realized it’s not about mental determination. It’s about keeping your hands there”. Wow Sherlock, we never realized that.

Has dating really degenerated into a state of being able to digest your partner’s flaws? Or is this just a disclaimer, to reject all future blames by simply saying, ‘I told you so’. We are taking out the joys and perils of discovery and injecting it with predictability and honesty.

Hi, my name is Butterfly. And this is what I can offer..