Survival Guide # 2 - How to Survive a Blind Date

How to survive a blind date?

Some point in time, when you are driven by boredom, desperation or nosey friends, you will be thrown into a situation where you have to contend for your survival in a blind date. It can be a disastrous experience. I know so because once I met this girl who had eyes so spaced apart, if they were higher up her head, she would have qualified as a frog.

1. Background check

Don’t make the same mistake I did. Always run a photo check when possible on who you are meeting and verify it with network tools like Facebook, though it’s not always accurate. Once on MySpace, I did a random search and I selected ‘athletic’ as body type and what looked like contestants of The Biggest Loser still popped up.

I know these defeats the purpose of a blind date, but ask yourself; do you really want to risk meeting up with an obese transvestite with a missing ear?

2. Choosing a location

Avoid overtly crowded places if you have no idea how the other person looks like. The last thing you need is bumping into friends who will Twitter about your alopecia plagued date. However, the great thing about crowds is that it’s a natural smokescreen if you need to bail even before a proper introduction.Similarly, avoid deserted areas unless you are aiming to get raped – which I must say is an ambitious goal for a first date.

3. Choosing an activity

Movies make the ideal blind date activity, simply because you don’t need to look at each other and there isn’t a need to create a conversation for a good 2 hours. So you don’t have to be dreading through coffee listening to the other person’s hobbies that might include erection killing cues like ‘social work’ and ‘stamp collecting’.

Never plan anything fancy because the less time you spend on one the better. If they are really worth your time, it’s called a second date.

4. Making conversations

Women should know that men don’t really give a shit about what you are saying, as long as you have a plunging neckline and cleavage that they can talk to. Being rude is a great way to shorten a date. There will be a lot of yelling, but they will leave eventually.

5. Planning your escape

Always formulate an exit strategy before the date, just so that you don’t need to slit your wrist - or theirs – if anything goes wrong. Something like have someone call you 30 minutes into the date or read your imaginary text message. Excusing yourself with reasons like, dinner with the folks, saving the world and booty calls have proved to be adequate. You might also want to sacrifice your family members through a fake accident if you need to bail immediately.

There’s really nothing wrong about cutting off a blind date, because giving people who are clearly unequal, equal chances, is called Communism. We don’t support that.