Tuesday, August 23, 2005

The Christine a.k.a ICE story

Well, before I continue with this story, I want you all to know that this took place a long time ago. My disclaimer here blatantly states that, I am not mean and we were highly drunk on boredom. Believe me, we've moved on since then.

Ok this was the start of the Vice Squad, long before our fishing trips even came into motion. And after Zouk one fateful night, 4 assholes, LB, Reznor, Vinzy and me decided to head down to Changi Village. For the uninitiated, CV is Singapore's resident zone for housing transvestites / transsexuals. Its basically Geylang with dicks, Adam's apples, and deep voices.

So the 4 horsemen headed over to CV at about 3plus. The place was quiet by then. I believe they usually knockoff soliciting at 5am and it was already fast approaching 4am. We drove a few rounds then parked at the carpark. Once out, LB and I wasted no time in chasing up to them. A couple of em' rolled their eyes at us (they are such spectacles that they become used to irritating idiots like us bugging them)

Anyway, we saw this one chick who was actually pretty good looking. Chinese, shorter than us (most there are suspected former national basketball players) and most importantly, sitted alone. I walked pass her a couple of times then broke the whole thing with a smile. FYI, they can be mean muthafucka's. Imagine a woman on big time PMS with a dick and strength of a man. They absolutely take no shit from people disturbing them.

Thankfully, LB and me are seasoned ladyboy killers. WE are masters when it comes to talking rubbish. I made some small talk with her and asked for her name. She gave a cold reply. "ICE"
So we walked off and headed back to the car. End of the night as it seemed, and it almost would have been, had a terrible idea not crept into one of our heads. I seriously cant remember who suggested it but the response was in unison.

Unknown: "Eh, lets pay her to strip for us!"
ALL: "OK!!"


So the thing now was how were we actually going to pitch the whole thing. It was decided on whim that Reznor was going to drive and I was going to do the talking. The price we were prepared to offer was $40. Simple, even I can't mess this up.

So we drove pass and I popped my head out to run a negotiation with her.

Me: "Eh, I want you to strip for $20, can?"
Ice: "Cannot lah!"
Me: "okok $40?" ( I'm real bad with figures and the guys informed me that $30 actually comes before $40. Point taken.)

She finally agreed and she hopped into the back seat with Vinzy and LB and directed us to this secluded spot where they all did their hanky panky misdemeanour.

She finally introduced herself as Christine. That was way better than Ice. Christine started massaging my shoulders while giving off LOUD sex sighs. Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot be out done in this aspect. I'm the king of feign sex sighs! Christine's voice was androgynous but I still heard bass in them.

We reached the spot but we were too embarrassed to tell her to start stripping so we decided to break the ice (no pun intended) with casual small talk. LB asked if she could bring anyone of us back, who would she choose.

Christine: "huh.. "*half feminine giggle* ( I was looking for the adam's apple) "I dunno lah.. the one wearing red loh." (Which was me). *more massage and seductive sighs*

They broke out into laughter and suggested she blow me there and then. I'd bite my tongue if I ever allowed it to happen. It was time. We came for a purpose and she demanded we hand her the cash first in case we leave her high and dry. Experience speaking out I guess.

We turn down the lights cos she was shy (oh pls.. the virginal coy play is overtly done) and she proceeded to strip.

Vinzy: "Real one anot?"
Christine: "Of cos real lah! You got see breast implants so small one meh?!" (she grabs LB n Vinzy's hand to cup her boobs)

LB and Vinzy looked liked Kobe Bryant on the baseball pitched. They were entirely out of place and out of words, cos they were looking straight in front with a 'hmm what the fuck do i do now' look and their hands were still cupping the boobs. Everyone was keeping a straight face.

Vinzy: "hmm quite soft leh". ( yes we say the lamest things when we are nervous ).

Christine demanded we all have a go in a valiant bid to prove that they were real. Apparently hormonal injections are quite effective.

LB: "Eh below leh?"
Christine: "Cannot lah! haven't... "
LB: "Chee Bye!!! Then your kuku bird bigger than mine how?!"

The show was over and none of us were really prepared to see a dick tonight, so she proposed blowing one of us for free. EVERYONE dashed out of the car in what was probably the World Record for simultaneous car alighting.

Everyone was pointing fingers.. "blow him.. blow him" and to make matters worse, Christine was dead serious about it that she actually thought we were playing scissors paper stone to chose who got to have head.

We broke her heart and told her we didn't want it and that we'd rather play out the time by just talking.

Me: "What's your real name ah? "
Christine: "Crazy.. Cannot tell u lah!"
Me: "Okok First letter?"
Christine: "J"
We start rattling off names: "Joseph! Joe! Johnson! John! Jason!"
Vinzy: "Jonathan!" * Christine giggles*
In unison: "Jonathan?!" *everyone breaks out into laughter*

Its weird that when you know a person's real name, it changes the whole dynamics of how we view them. I started picturing Jonathan in short cropped hair in his school uniform singing Majulah Singapura and taking a piss at the urinal.
And great, we just had our hands on her breast.

I think it was one of the stupidest things we did out of impetus in awhile. I have a picture of Christine at hand but too many evil deeds been done. I'll post it on my PMS days..

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