Bangkok'ed - Pt 3

If there is ever a need to accentuate the point of the ‘Tourist Preferential’, then you never need to look further than Bangkok. This is one place where the merits of money can work to your benefit and for a relatively low cost for that matter.

When we went to Slim on the first night, the club was grossly packed. It was the kind you could whiff 5 variants of perfumes just standing at the same spot. The only thing that stopped this from degenerating into a gym class was the over-worked air-conditioning and obvious lack of spandex.

The lack of standing spaces also meant the possibility of procuring a table was lost somewhere in the equation of Crowds + Arriving late = No table. My immediate reaction to this is to sulk.

Thankfully, we were in Bangkok; the land of a million possibilities at under a thousand baht. The first entitlement in being on a holiday states that being a brat is perfectly legitimate and free of social backlashes. Hence, we do what every spoilt Singaporean does, Demand.

Niner: “Get me a table. Money is not an issue.”

Aside from MS’s promise of a back rub, this was the most romantic thing anyone had said to me since I got to Bangkok.

I immediately had MS call up a waiter and made sure she conveyed our message to him verbatim. It was a demand, not a request. Now, had this been Singapore, we’d have been told to go fly a kite if only $7 hourly waiters had more guts.

Two things instantaneously exposed us to be foreigners.

1. We were perhaps the only guys there who actually danced. Head bobbing and air punching does not qualify.

2. We were tipping the waiters almost as if the baht was facing a devaluation crisis.

I told the first girl that came up to ask where were from, that I was Japanese and I was the creator of Manga. I was cooking up the most amazing stories and none of them actually questioned the authenticity of it, except for when I said I was 26 (which ironically was the only truth).

On Tipping..

Tipping is the best way to buy services and faux friends. In Bangkok, when you buy a bottle and if you tip well, your bottle comes with a free waiter. It had to be so, because I’ve never seen more attentive service before.

Considering my rate of knocking back glasses, I almost never had to fill my own glasses. There was always a waiter by the table. If he wasn’t pouring us drinks, he would be giving out hot towels. If he wasn’t keeping the ice buckets full, he’d be toasting with us. It confused almost to a point where I didn’t know if I could take him home with us.

If you ever need to know how far 100 baht takes you, a quick stop to the toilet is all you need.

I was there standing in front of the cubicle waiting my turn to contribute my share of ammonia when all of a sudden, one of the toilet concierge comes over to give me a back rub. A BACK RUB in the middle of me half crossed at the thighs, keeping my bladder under control.

I immediately turned to Niner,

Me: “Dude, they give back rubs here for 100 baht. I think 200 baht gets you a blowjob in the cubicle.”

I tipped him a full hundred despite full knowledge that toilet tips rarely warrants anything above a twenty. That turned out to be the best move I made all night, because for the remaining of the night, I never had to queue for toilet. And if I did have to wait, it was almost certain that i was having a neck massage to get through the ordeal with.

You only need to replace them with hot girls and you can set up a Sperm bank in there and make money so fast, OCBC would have you featured for their next ready credit advertisement.

Everytime I went in, that man would drag me right to the front of the queue. I was so touched, I contemplated tipping him another hundred, but I was pretty worried that he would start clearing space for me at the dance floor so I decided against it.

I was so excited about all this that I actually called LB in Singapore to tell him what a dumb idea it was to had chosen Phuket over Bangkok couple weeks ago. The only problem was that I went wearing a fucking chastity belt. MS made me feel better everytime she swayed her hips, but at the intervals where she wasn't dancing, I secretly set a reminder on my phone.

'Come back to Bangkok. Without MS.'

The details of the nights have eroded into pockets of vivid memories. I remembered poking fun at some cyndi Lauper look alike and I was throwing Scooby and Niner lines so cheesy I only needed mushrooms to qualify as a BK burger.

Me: "I bet Girls just wanna have fun."

And I remembered Scooby's passiveness and encouraging him to fuck some whale.

Me: "Dude, you should seriously fuck her (Whale). After yu're through with her, everything can only go up."

Apparently for him, even with alcohol, not everything is a good idea.

They say the grass is always greener on the other side, but they also forgot to add that the drinks are also cheaper, the girls are friendlier and they hop onto bed alot faster in Bangkok
So, tell me what is there not to love again?