Wednesday, September 12, 2007

When Men Become Pussies

Everyone has THAT friend.

The one that brags about wearing the pants, about how he lives his life without surrendering to anyone and who continuously reminds you that his penis is the re-incarnation of some unknown Greek God – Enormoustheus.

I have a friend and his name is Blaque. If you’ve been religiously following the blog, you’d be familiar with him. In the instance where you might need a refresher, he was the one that took me on the 2 hour car ride and the one that had a problem staying sober for his birthday celebrations.

It’s always funny how men, well the grave majority of them, are denominated so depreciatively whenever they are in a relationship. They giggle like school girls having their first condom fitting class, they baby talk as if they lost a tongue and suddenly every word has to be repeated twice over.

Dear dear, I miss miss you.”

If I hear this from you, you will be laughed at. In addition, I will threaten to cut off your testicles and sell them to Vietnamese soup restaurants or I’ll donate it to the handicap children for them to play fooseball with.

Now, the age-old question remains. When does a man lose his soul?

1. When he orders a nuclear strike on an innocent village.
2. When he kicks handicap children for leisure.
3. When he obeys everything his girlfriend says.

If you picked option 3, you are a genius and you should run for Presidency. You might also be Osama, but the important thing is getting the answer right.

For the ill-informed or those fortunate enough NOT to be personally acquainted with him, a brief run down is just what the doctor ordered.

To begin with, Blaque’s girlfriend never really got along with us well. She was the kind of girl that never made an effort to ‘blend’ in with the boys and always made it clear to Blaque that his priority list should be written by her. The world she dictates for him is ruled by dichotomy (She’s right, everyone else is wrong) and despotic authority. If you need to kill a fascist, you are allowed to throw stones at her.

Her lack of initiative, manners and over-riding list of flaws is however, met with cordial receptions on my end. I don’t hate her, but this girl doesn’t even have redeeming qualities like ‘looks’, ‘boobs’ or ‘hot ass’ to save her from my wrath. The only thing she has between me and my master hand throwing an uppercut at her, is Blaque.

It always pains me to see my friends erode all sense of integrity and self-value and submit (coerced or voluntarily) to every whim and fancy of their girlfriends. Piss them off and suddenly, you’re no longer her ‘Daddy Kitten’ and you’re back to being addressed on full name basis. You only need to recite your IC number at this roll call and I swear this would qualify as a detention barrack.

You see, you can subscribe to baby talking and bitch giggling and I won’t have any less respect for you as a man. Sure, I’ll laugh and tease, but you generally will not find me spitting at you intentionally.

The day you start losing the ability to make decisions for yourself, you have successfully completed the pussy transformation and all this without even surgical procedures. Welcome to Changi Village. I hope you enjoy your stay. Now, please bend over.

This is when men become pussies.

Every once in awhile you need to learn to say ‘no’. Tighten your Ho’ hand and swing it across their face (do remember to flick your wrist on impact), if they threaten to sulk or insist that you comply. The neutralist in me is emphasizing that this retaliation is trans-gendered.

I’m more forgiving if you have issues saying ‘no’ if you are a girl and you tend to submit to your man’s demands. That’s cos you are a girl and when you start brawling, you are going to end up on the losing end. Unless of course you happen to be conveniently carrying around nunchuckus or brass knuckles, then by all means, say ‘no’ all you want, even if they offer to pay for the meal.

I however, have no interest to address the cries of miserable women trapped in hellish relationships. The feminist in me is dormant today, so you are better off watching Oprah. I am today the harbinger of scorn for men who have lost their ability to make decisions on their own.

Firstly, any girl who stops you from meeting your friends whom you’ve not met up for in ages, is a witch. If I had my way and the McCarthy era still prevailed, I’ll suggest you burn her on a stake.

What fuck of a girlfriend would ever deny you time with friends? Raise your hand if you said, “a witch”. You get a point for that. If you mispronounced and shouted “Bitch”, you get two.

I was disgusted with Blaque for succumbing to his girl’s demand that he was not allowed to celebrate my birthday with me. He even had me speak to her on video call and she actually demanded, verbatim,


When I saw how Blaque tried to pacify her, I knew he had auction off his testicles. When he actually told me he couldn’t go because she didn’t want him to, I knew it went for $0.75 and it’s currently being used as bait for piranha fishing. Blaque had sold his soul and his life to some skanky anorexic buck toothed scarecrow.

I’m serious. If you put her in front of the Roman cathedral, you won’t even have to worry about pigeon droppings. If she stood at the vegetables section long enough, you’d wonder if the supermarket was having crow problems, that they needed to arrest the problem with a scarecrow.

I hope she reads this.

Secondly, if you give up your friends for your girlfriend, don’t expect us to be entirely thrilled when you have a relationship crisis and need your friends to pull you through. Sure, we’ll be there. Only just so that we can talk trash about your girl at the only time that you'll be in parallel acquiesce with me in referring to her as ‘That bitch’.

Lastly, since when did being in a relationship mean surrendering your rights to make decisions. Relationships thin the emotional fabric of people. You become so dependent that you sometimes naturalize yourself into believing it is ok to sacrifice friends. To exacerbate this disillusion, you submit even when you really don’t want to.

I was pissed at Blaque because as much as he really wanted to join us, he chose to go home to get his dick sucked by some Bugs Bunny reject. Or maybe he went back to suck her dick.

And he has even proposed to her. Reznor and I are thrilled because if they ever make it to the altar, I get to give him a carrot for a wedding gift and Reznor will probably be getting her the straw hat since it can get pretty hot while standing out in the fields all day.

When men surrender their sovereignty of choice, they lose the very axiom of being a man. If you constantly submit to your partner even against your will or interest, you will be laughed at. Maybe your friends are already laughing, but I will join in. Go wear a skirt, cut off your balls and prepare to suck dick for a living. You’d probably find more redemption this way.


At 2:30 PM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

Haha! Cant agree more!! They'll need the straw hat n carrot..

I'm sociable and very available and I watch soccer. Why am I still single??

At 10:22 PM, Anonymous Cheok said...

Fucking ace post. From someone who's read everything on this blog, this certainly stands as one of the more emblematic entries. The Bugs Bunny Reject and Carrot/Straw Hat phrases... Nice.

At 9:24 PM, Anonymous Liquid Ecstasy said...

100% spot on. Especially younger girls, they always feel a need to want control or your exact location. Might as well wear a GPS on you. Fuck no. One of your better posts dude.

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At 9:42 AM, Blogger sÞ¡ηηєє said...

faint...sounds horrendous....if she's not even deemed pretty by butterfly, it means she has nothing to speak off.

SO can i safely say.... maybe she has too much male hormones in her & blanque has too much female hormones in him... that's why she's the man, he's the woman? ;)

probably this is the answer why he's smitten over her. =X

At 12:03 PM, Blogger Vectors said...

You sir are a true man and, hats off to you. Seems that we still have hope left in our world hope to see you again in the future

At 8:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I must admitt she sounds slightly 'frightening' and he wasnt exactly the strongest of characters, though I feel that someone may be a little jealous that their friend chose his ugly gf over him ;) ..Just a thought.

At 2:07 AM, Anonymous Yuki said...

An excellent post, Sir!

Tis true that today's Sporean females are feminist-pigs who only think in terms of power & control.

At 5:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Enjoy your future unemployed wifebeater.

At 7:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lawl biiig deal.The thing is you don't know your friend. I get so sick of 'the friends'. I've had guys drooling over me since I was 14. 20 now and let me tell you- you're ALL pussies. you put on this vin diesel bullshit for your gullible as shit friends then behind closed doors you're a fucking wanker pussy. Tough guy, nice guy, doesn't matter, you're all closet pussies. Believe me it pisses me off more than the friends. cos i'm still meant to pretend you're soo toughy woughy then run you a nice hot rose scented bath when you're done whining about the boxers your mum bought you. The girls don't turn them into pussies, they just think they can let it all out now they've quote: "FINALLY someone who understands the real ME.(sniffle tear)" end quote. From a built cattle drover with a huge dick whose friends think he's their little alpha. After he'd known me 2 weeks. So don't blame your dumb friend's pussy behavior on some random bitch.

At 2:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I read everything that is posted on this page, from the original post down to the very last comment (which by the way, is as dumb as one can get) I seriously wish my common sence could pick up a rope and hang itself.
I could start correcting things written here and I seriously wish I would. Yet common sence, too scared to commit suicide, whispers to me:"Lost time!"
You people seriously have some wires crossed in your head.
None of you really know what it means to be a man. Violence and stubborness does not make you manly: it makes you a cruel ignorant bafoon.
It also doesn't help that you obviously are quite smart, given your phrasing... it just makes matters even sadder. Here seems to be a rather smart person, who does think for himself/herself and STILL comes to a conclusion which is so painful that whilst reading it, I got a head & stomachache.
I see some nice ideas in your post, i.e. not loosing dignity.
But the rest is just a pile of boyish rabbel.
Please learn what it means to be a real man.


A boy who tries to become a man

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At 8:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree that men becoming pussy-whipped, often by girls they don't really even like, is a sad thing. Despite my sympathy to your cause i find it hard to overlook the truly terrible writing. I like the tone and the humor but for gods sake quit mixing phrases that don't belong together. For example "well the grave majority of them, are denominated so depreciatively". No part of that sentence makes the least bit of sense. Yes i understand what your trying to say but you clearly don't know what those words mean. You don't have to be a great scholar to write an opinion piece. Using big impressive words incorrectly makes you look stupid. Your much better off writing in a way that actually makes sense to you because then it will make sense to other people. despite the horrible grammar, made up words, and nonsensical phrases, your writing has a nice flavor to it. Maybe have someone proofread it for ya?

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