Thursday, August 25, 2005

Drunk Friends Stories

The Fastest Birthday Celebration

The award here goes to my dear friend Blaque (pronounced Black). Blaque's not the best drinker you'll find, he's not even a decent drinker, however he makes up for it with lotsa courage and very little brains to say "I've had enough".

3 years ago, he threw a birthday in Eastside at Mhd Sultan Rd. Very much the regular party.. booze.. friends.. vomit.

11.00pm: I get to the place with some other friends, Blaque's already there. From what I hear he only just got there.
11.04pm: Some guy buys a round of tequila. Blaque takes a shot.
11.07pm: We have a round of burbon. We open a bottle. Blaque takes a pussy sip. I believe osmosis is how he takes his liqour.
11.13pm: Some wise crack buys a shot of Barcardi 151. Blaque takes a whiff and refuses to even kiss the damn cup.
11.16pm: Reznor sponsors a flaming lambo. Blaque in the spirit of his birthday, drinks it. Bad move.
11.17pm: Lee comments that Blaque is high.. yes I can see it too. He is uttering rubbish and irritating the shit out of Lee. His jokes are not funny but he is laughing the shit out of it himself. Everything is amusing to him. I'm so afraid a dancing teletubbie might just pop up behind the counter and Blaque might just die laughing from it. I know CPR though, might help.

11.18pm: They all cash in on his lowered self defense and pour him more drinks. Honestly, I think he just had two more glasses max. Pussy sips as usual then the "ewww its bitter" look. I've never seen anyone look more tortured drinking alcohol than him.

11.30pm: Blaque is lying outside the club by the road, giving the pavement a blowjob.
11.31pm: Blaque is lifeless and response to "Are you ok?" by drooling and moaning, which is perfectly fine cos it's an honest way of saying "I'm fucked dude, get me home".
11.36pm: Blaque MERLIONS on the curb. Veggies... Yup, we know for sure he didn't drink on an empty stomach.
11.40pm: I drive Blaque back. End of party.

I've never been to a party that lasted 32mins. The plan was to actually celebrate past midnight cos it was his birthday the next day. We almost made it.

You'd think the ordeal ends for me? NOT A FUCK CHANCE. I was so fucking worried he'd puke in my car that I sped back to his place. Now the challenge. To get a 65kg man out of my car and up to the 5th floor.

Blaque was a total ass every time I pulled him out of the car and he'd scramble back in. this goes on for at least 5 times. When I finally did get him up, he'd just lay on the ground. He ABSOLUTELY refused to co-operate. When I carried him in my arms, he'd just slump to the other side, pushing me away. Great, and he even gave out burps to warn of his impending vomits.

Worried, I decided to remove my shirt to carry him. BAD idea. Two Bangras walking by (holding hands) saw us and smiled. I bet they thought it's something kinky the Chinese do in the middle of the night below the void deck at the rubbish chute area. They fucking smiled at me as if to acknowledge and support whatever I was trying to do. I shot them the "this is not what you fucking think.." look.

The army thought me well. Firemen lift is the best way to carry a person. Blaque was fucking uncomfortable cos he was moaning VERY loudly as I carried him. We got in the lift and he was still moaning. I knew he was in pain cos his crotch was pressing against my shoulders. Potency is least on my mind here, not when the primary objective was to get him back. I hear viagra is a wonder drug. He'll understand..

So a half naked me, carrying a moaning man on my back into a house. What a sight for the conservative heartland. Anyway, Blaque had no fucking clue how he got back and he actually had the nerve to call me the next day to complain about the pain in his lower abdomen and that whoever carried him back wasn't gentle enough.

The Second Shortest Birthday Celebration

Blaque wins this again.. it's a clean sweep for him when it comes to short parties.

This is the following year.

10:53pm: We reach Sugar (at Mohd Sultan)
11:11pm: WE specifically tell Blaque to STAY AWAY from the drinks till 12 midnight.
11:20pm: We open two bottles
11:48pm: The bottles are fast emptying.. only 12mins more.
12:00mn: Blaque makes it past midnight. We celebrate for him.

12:15am: Bottles are empty. Blaque is really high. He wants two more bottles of vodka.

Blaque: (to the waitress) "I want two bottles of vodka how much?"
Waitress: "$168 for Smirnoff and $188 for Absolute"
Blaque: "I want two bottles of vodka..."
Waitress: "So which do you want?"
Blaque: "I want 2 bottles of vodka!" ( he shows her the 2 with his fingers. I'm actually holding him.)
Waitress: "Erm.. yes i know.. but which one do u want? Smirnoff or Absolute?"
Blaque: (visibly and audibly pissed off) "I just want two bottles of vodka!"
Waitress: (she looks at me)
Blaque: (he looks at me.. really pissed) "Butterfly, can yew jus farrking tell her I want two bottles of vodka!?"

It's pretty clear.. he's wasted..AGAIN.

12:46am: Blaque is outside the club sitting on the steps drooling. His eyes are closed and he's holding a cup of tea. Its fucking hilarious if you actually see it in person.
12:51am: I know that familiar sight. Its the Exercise cut signal..

I'd say it was a big improvement.


At 5:09 PM, Blogger andrian martin dominic said...

this fucking made me laugh like crazy, good one butterfly, good one

At 4:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its Banglahs and the army TAUGHT me well...

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