Tuesday, March 28, 2006

The Car Ride with Blaque

Blaque is one of my closest friends and one of the most interesting person you'd ever meet, and if you can survive 10 mins with him, you'd probably grow to like him. Blaque is a bad drinker, I've written about his birthday stories before, but he makes up for this with really AMAZING explicit stories about his sex life.

I've known Blaque for over a decade now and there's only one thing you'd need to know about him, and that is, EVERYTHING is about him. As much as I can be egoistic and self centered at times, he religously sees to it that everything has to be about him and he is ONLY interested in talking about himself. He's selling point is that while he isn't good looking, he's hung like a horse and in his own words, he is a machine and he will make you scream.

Blaque calls one night to ask if I want to head out to catch up alittle. Having just come back from Australia and that I've not met him for awhile, I think catching up is a good idea and also largely because I want supper.

Blaque comes over to pick me. I get in and this follows.

Blaque: "Where to?"
Me: "I wanna eat, anywhere is fine."
Blaque: "I'm not hungry, lets just go for a car ride."
Me: "I wanna eat, can we find somewhere to eat?"
Blaque: "Nah..I'm not hungry. We'll go to the airport."

I've not had dinner yet and have only a meal in me for the entire day. I'm hungry. Very hungry. Will eat a cow alive hungry.

On the way there, he starts telling me his problems with the girlfriend and her family and how they are taking advantage of him by making him pay for stuff. The thing about Blaque is that he doesn't believe in being single. To him, if you ever need to break up, make sure you have someone to move on with, if not, tolerate the bullshit. I on the other hand oppose very strongly to this. To me, if there ain't love, move on, no point wasting your time and the other party's. Which is why despite his girlfriend being a total skank and that NONE of us like her, he's still with her.

The other thing about Blaque is that he has a soft spot for women. He splurges generously on them and speaks to them in the sweetest bitchiest voice a man can degenerate himself to. Most of my guy friends fall into that phone voice category.. Pappy..Reznor.. Hahaha.

One minute he is bitching his head off about the girlfriend and what an ass she can be and how he is not going to take bullshit anymore, and the next minute he is swooning over the phone with her, asking her if she wants to go eat and stuff. And caps it off with baby-talk!! It sends shivers up my spine. I don't give a fuck who you are, if you baby talk infront of me, you WILL be laughed at.

He misses the turning into the airport carpark and decides he wants to continue driving to somewhere else. He heads off back into the highway, while his Nissan guzzles away at the petrol.

Me: "Can we find somewhere to eat? I'm dying of hunger."
Blaque: "We'll just drive, I'm not hungry."

I'm relating the conversation as it is and not fabricating anything. This guy is so self-absorbed that he sees things one dimensional.

Then the sex stories, as he drives to Changi Village. We start talking about how long his longest sex session went.

Blaque: "5 hours"
Me: "5 hours?! Including foreplay and all?"
Blaque: "Nope, of pure ramming."
Me: "Fuck off! You had to rest at least. No one can fuck for 5 hours without resting. Not even Superman."
Blaque: "Ya, got rest lah, when changing positions loh.. maybe 30secs of rest at most."
Me: "Fuck off la! 5 hours leh, if you can fuck for 5 hours straight, you can run a marathon any day of the month."

Me: "Five hours, if the guy's not bored, the girl's probably dead from boredom."
Blaque: "Not with me. The girls enjoy it and I drive them crazy."

You see, Blaque takes ALOT of pride in his sexual performance, and a good way to take a swing at him is to question that ability. This arguement went on for abit, with me continually arguing and laughing if he had abrasions on his dick by the end of the night. Then he changes to other stories.

He tells me about how this girl would ask him repeatedly when he was going to take her to the hotel again. In his version, he gave the girl such a mindblowing fuck that she keeps coming back for more. Apparently, all of them do. This girl was one of his first internet hook ups and he has been trying to pass her on since.

Then he tries pimping them to me. The only person who has experienced Blaque's pimping is Lee, and only he can understand peer pressure from a friend trying to hook you up with girls he regard as sluts. Its totally whacked, when you don't believe in the product you sell.

The thing about Blaque is that he is a walking moral dicotomy. He only sees things as good or bad. He condemns gays and cannot condone why they like anal sex. He thinks gays don't enjoy anal sex because he thinks it is impossible for a guy to like another guy enough to want to have sex. He believes anal sex to be non-climaxable. He thinks butches should be hanged and shot dead. He thinks girls who sleep around have no morals and thus should be branded as sluts. He believes that only sluts and whores engage in ONS. He thinks that all women are fat unles they are bone thin. And you can never reason and try to influence him.

He gets pissed when I refused his contacts on girls.

Me: "They are not my kind."
Blaque: "Then what is your kind, cannot be fussy lah, if not you'll never get any."
Me: "You need to start hanging out with me more. I'm me, when you get hit on half as many times as me you'll see why."
Blaque: "But your dick is not huge, girls don't like that."
Me: "That's why thankfully I'm good looking."
Blaque: "Ya, God is fair right?"

I sometimes feel bad about being deliberately arrogant infront of Blaque. We've had alot of pass history and misunderstandings between us and I don't want to make it seem like I'm competing with him on who gets more women. I'm not, but the thing is that because we've not been out regularly in the last year, he's not aware of my lifestyle. I tried telling..but he doesn't listen.

We reach Changi Village and I tell him to pull over at the carpark so that I can go grab a bite. At this point, I'm clutching my belly and slouching over the dashboard.

Me: "Can we please eat here? I'm starving to death.."
Blaque: "There's nothing nice to eat here."

We circle the carpark to see the street walkers before Blaque decides that the place is not safe enough to park the vehicle. If he could, he'll kill everyone of them. He doesn't see why people would want to change sex. On any given day, I'd have jumped out of the car and start chatting the ladyboys up, but being faced with a possiblity of dying from malnutrition and hunger, conserving my energy to stay alive is paramount. Till this point, we've been on the road for an hour. It's that long because we took a long detour to get to the airport and spent nearly 20mins at the Budget Terminal. We decide to go Geylang to eat.

Along the way, he'll give me pointers on dating girls and how to bed them by saying things like.

Blaque: "Girls, you just need to give them one good one, and they'll keep coming back for more."

Blaque: "All you need is to spend money on them."

The thing is, Blaque came off a very bad relationship with a girl who really fucked up his perception on women in general. That girl was as he tells it, insatiable in bed till she met him and taught him everything he needed to know about great sex. Other than being a total psycho, their failed relationship in my opinion changed Blaque. Damn that bitch. Thus, I excuse him for subjectifying all 'decadent' women as sluts and cocksuckers.

Blaque believes very strongly that a huge dick defines everything and he'll never fail to remind you of it. As much as I always tell him how crudely he says stuff, I have this guilty pleasure of listening to them. It never fails to crack me up on how much he prides his dick. Trust me, it's come to a point that you'll actually believe he can lift a woman without hands.

Some of the less graphic stories he tells me.

Blaque: "This girl told me a guy took her here in a taxi. That's damn disgusting. The guy doesn't even drive a car. And after that I didn't feel like touching her."

In this instance he was referring to the girl as being casual with her selection of men. I protest about the car and say that I can't drive either.

Me: "Blaque.. can we please go eat?"
Blaque: "I keep telling you I'm not hungry.. you want me to watch you eat meh?"
Me: "Ya, you can talk while I eat.."
Blaque: "But I just want to drive and talk..."
Me: "You can fucking talk while I eat."

Believe me when I say he doesn't listen and that your opinions are merely opinions without consideration. By the time reaches Geylang, I've been out for about 1 1/2hrs, spoke nothing except on girls and his life and he's not asked a single word about my trip. As soon as we get there, I start dragging him through the streets to the beef kway tiao coffeeshop. This PRC streetwalker pops infront of us and propose that we do a threesome. (in mandarin of cos)

She: "I'll fuck both of you together."
Me: "You can't handle him lah, he's a machine. His dick is larger than your legs."

As soon as we get to the coffeeshop, Blaque complains about having to watch me eat and wants to go sightseeing.

Me: "Fuck you, just let me eat and we can go anywhere you want. I'll let you talk all night."

This is precisely why I love him so much. (as a friend).


At 3:48 PM, Anonymous mizu bunnie said...

you have an interesting friend here. chuckles*

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