Friday, March 17, 2006

Drinks and Drugs, not good for Sex

Edit: As I wanna keep this strictly story based, I'll write any daily quips here.

For those of you who have never drank, taken drugs or had sex, this is a lesson for you in case your boring life decides to take a turn. Remember, all of the above activities should be best done independently or chronologically staggered, but it should never be done simultaneously. The results of such a devlish brew of vice is quite a concoction for disaster. Trust me, I have a story to tell on this.

For some guys, being heavily intoxicated seriously wipes out all sense of the word erection. That word ceases to exist once you are pissed. Some people reach that state even after a couple beers and relatively sober. Alcohol fucks up your dick in different ways. So the next time your friends do a beer bash before sex, it's best if you pre-check your equipment prior to engagement. Maybe do a dry run at home first, before you jump on the band wagoon and come out firing blanks.

Drugs, I won't comment much. Some guys can, some guys cant erect after consumption. Girls on the other hand go wild. Seriously, a girl on a pill is a nymph possessed, sex obsessed starlet. You just need to get her on film to legitimately call it porn. Whatever it is, remember that drugs are illegal and its not good for you, it'll do you good to stay off it. There, I just did community service by saying that. I seriously don't give a shit if any of you sniff or smoke, unless I'm fucking you, then I want you sober.

Remember, when I say drunk, I'm talking about my level of drunk. The drink I had in that occassion is usually well more than what most people take. I'm talking about 2 Absinthes and 6 whiskey shots and I'm on speed. You can imagine me to be very much in the 'fucking up sex' disaster zone.

And the worst place for this to take place, is the toilet. Don't give me sniggers and preach to me about decency. I have none. When you are high and you have a very horny hot lady constantly fellating you through your 501 jeans and moaning into your ears, you'll think anything is a good idea. Even watching re-runs of Under one Roof.

Banging in cubicles require alot of dexterity and neglect for hygiene. If you've never done it, its a good experience but you might want to practise in the handicap cubicle first. Its not good when your partner has a one track mind to blow you and is only focused on removing your pants and no regards to your request.

Like I said, I'm a walking eunuch at that state of chemicals in me. Even Angelina Jolie frolicking me isn't gonna get me up. The girl is still concern with my pants and is in a state of chemically induced 'drunkness' and there I am backed against the cubicle wall holding a condom looking on as she fumbles through my belt.

She gets them off and just as everything else was sloppy and forced, she slips forward in a sudden loss off balance while she is squatting down infront of me and in the worse men killing move, headbutts by prick. Its amazing what alcohol does to your pain tolerance, or maybe she didn't make that much a contact as I thought she did. I clutch my belly to fight THAT radiating pain. You guys know it, everyone has been hit in the nut before.

The debacle is only beginning.

The only thing worse than being headbutt in the balls, is having to think of excuses to why you are not responding to blowjobs. I tried everything, from imagining porn to deep breathing. Had I needles, I would have perform self accupuncture on myself. I was that desperate to not embarass myself. In any case, I was going to blame her headbutt for the predicament.

5 mins later, she shoots me the whats wrong look. I shrugged, then push her head back and encouraged her again with a pat on the back. The only thing going through my mind was that I'll probably have a 2min window once the blood decide to rush in and in that 2 mins, I had to slip on the cap, and commence intercourse. The only foreplay she's gonna get is flushing the toiletbowl to cover the noise. I'm not being mean, but girls in her state don't really need it. Go take a shot and see how you feel and tell me if I'm wrong.

With her bending over the bowl with her hands on the seats, I actually thought the whole thing was pretty dumb. The only reason why I had gone through with this silly escapade was because of the novelty factor. I just wanted to try anything I found to be remotely exciting. Damn my alcoholism, this would have been way better if I was sober.

2 mins later, I realised that I overestimated my buffer zone and run the risk of limping out. Fuck, I hate it when alcohol fucks with me. I can't possibly get her to resume blowing again and I'm not going to fake it. I seriously hoped that she wouldn't be able to tell if its a finger. Sorry, I don't write on the erotic build ups, the last thing I want is you getting a stiffy while reading. I rather you laugh, not cum.

Did I fuck it up? Not really. Did she enjoy it? I seriously doubt so. Did she say anything about the inccident? Yep, for sure she did. I don't care, when people are high and drunk, they can climax from picking their nose.


At 9:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I went tru that a year ago. It was almost the same.

p.s. PhD Russ

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