Wednesday, March 08, 2006

The Australia Trip- Perth Part 3


I'm beginning to behave like a native here. I find it extremely hard to wake up and I cannot stop thinking when my next beer bash is going to be. Its not funny when I eye Coke bottles with contempt and thinking out loud how nice if they had Vodka in it or when I ask Pizza joints if they sell absinthe. I'm turning out to be Aussie.. I love it.

The only thing here I think is juvenile is how they love to flaunt their car's muscle, or lack of it. Skylines here are as common as Civics back home and its amazing how they cease every chance to rev their engine. Going out of a parking lot, Rev. Going out of a fast food drive through, Rev. Going pass a corner, Rev. You get the picture. My favourite quote off them..

Australians: "Only milk and orange juices come in 1 and 2 litres."

This is in retrospect to the 4 and 5 litre monster of a ride they have been churning out. Bah, they appreciate it only cos the road tax here is like buying diapers back in Sg.

We fail to eat Fried Kway Teow again cos the place is close by the time we get there. Every other decent eating outlet near us is closed. Even the chicken joints are out of chicken, to which Jon makes a point to highlight the absurdity of it by laughing out very loudly. We end up ordering take away Pizza and by the time its ready, I'm already starving and I start hearing voices in my head to steal slices on the way home. I warn them the hazzards of leaving it with me, because when a man starves, he will do anything. For real. I'm weak when it comes to temptation.

We head to the Tavern after dinner. Jon tells me I have to drink Bundy coke cos its an Aussie fan favourite. The bar is filled with Caucasians tthat can make up a team of rugby players. Almost everyone there is a head taller and twice my size. I can be a team mascot there, the Midget Asian. And they can toss me up (single handedly) after every victory.

Me: "Can I have a bundy with coke?"
Bargirl: "Will that be pre mixed or off the tap?"

Stuns me for a moment and wonder as to why people would premix that. Lee comes in to salvage the awkwardness.

Me: "They have that shit on tap?!"
Lee: "Yea.. they hit a new all time low"

The Jim Beam girls there are huge! Not in the busty way but they are built to not take bullshit from any jock in the club. Im serious. If any one of our local Jim Beam girls was of that size, she'll be given bouncing duties. These girls are tall and not at all slim. One of them has huge biceps and the other is stout, they might have been actual Amazonian women, finding work in normal mortal society. I'd have wanted to say things like, "where's Xena the warrior princess" but these Lucy Lawless clones can be nasty. And a pub full of have drunk He-Man Asian haters is not a place to play smart ass. Even I am smart enough to figure that out.

As much as the guys enjoy me passing remarks, and predict that I'll start a pub brawl, none of them want to be there when it happens. I jokingly threaten them by saying that I'll randomly insult then shout. "Fuck you wankers! I study in Murdoch you cunt sucking muthafuckas! And I live right by the the road across it!". This does not ease their worry, and I only prove I'm a walking time-bomb.

We are the ONLY Asians in the bar, and the people there make sure we get the picture. Hospitality my ass. The only thing that made me feel at home was the Whiskey. I'd have felt better if one of em' had just announce our arrival, like "hey, here comes the yellow people. Let's see what the fortune cookies says.." or, "make way for the little people, they know kung fu."

White women start dancing on the pool table, horrible dancing. Brown old woman starts dancing provocatively next to me. Horrible, I start cheering the white women. If I'm not mistaken, this white skank shoots us "what are yellow people doing here.." looks. There was absolute disgust. This Pauline Hanson skank literally rolled her eyes after staring at us. I almost smiled and did my stupid wink at her. Thank god, how stupid would I have looked had I done it. Even I can have my ego bruised, not that she was hot or anywhere remotely close, but I don't like it when people don't smile at me. Whites don't seem to show any interest in me, they don't know whats good for them.

Be nice to Asians, we're gonna fuck you eventually. One way or another. We Chinese have nearly 1/3 the worlds population, do you Caucasians Really think you can ever avoid being fucked by one of us?

I'm not racist, I love Caucasians. In general they are nicer people than most Asians. This afternoon, Lee drove to Freemantle and I had my shirt off. This Chinese family pulls up and the daughter in the back seat was fascinated at me being shirtless, that she took a double take and then proceeded to tell her mum. Well, the mum didnt look too happy with me. Fuck her, I'm too cute to be frown at. I smiled at them and if her expression said anything, it was, "Oh dear lord, the nerve of Chinese these days, Confucious will not be happy." Her daughter was very happy though.

Caucasians are way better. This old lady smiled and waved at me when she saw that I was video taping. Asians need to take a lesson in socialbility. Walk into any store here and they greet you and make small banter. In Sg, the bloody sales people stare at you with a finger on the dial ready to call the cops. Im kidding, but Singaporean salesgirls/guys look like they have a stick up their ass. The friendly ones are the gays who geniuinely seem to enjoy entertaining you. Or it could just be me.


Lee leaves me at home to go for a date with Sherene. Jon ends up having to play host and we head to Murdoch for lunch and people watch. I have my picture taken with this cute Jap chick who was having some English lessons at the cafe. With zero respect to the ugly Chinese student helping her with her work, I approach and say very politely, "can I take picture with you."

She looks at me in shock, looking very cute still. I make an attempt to clarify.

Me: [pointing to me then to her] "You, me picture"
She: "huh?"
Me: "ishioni shinsin o toteimo kudasai..."
She: [giggles] "What?"

Damn, obviously my Jap is wrong, I'm pretty sure thats 'can I take a picture with you please?'.

Ugly Chinese friend steps in to do the ONE productive deed in her life till now. She translate, what else is she good for.

UglyChinese: "He wants to take picture with you."
She: "Ohh, what for?"
Me: "Souvenir.. I'm leaving today."
She: "Souvenir?"
UglyChinese: "Like present"

Jon helps me with the photo which turns out to be a disaster. I didn't check till much later.

Me: "what is your name?"
She: "Megumi"

I shake her hand, intoduce myself then try to be cheeky.

Me: "Can I kiss you?"

She looks at me wide eyed in shock, then blush and I tell her I'm kidding. Jon and Lee are bad at wingmaning for me. The problem is that they don't appreciate these stuff, cos he thinks its pointless since they don't speak English well. I wish LB was here, we'd have had gone crazy on campus.

Guys, its just for the fun of it. The experience of knowing someone else. For crying out loud, I'm leaving anyway, there's no way I'm gonna see them again, might as well indulge in doing something fun. You don't have to marry everyone you talk to. I can be a snob sometimes but here I wanna do everything to everyone. I'm allow to be a snob because I'm me. If you've been hit on as much as I have, then you are allowed to be picky. That's why I keep telling Lee that he can't always pass judgement and say no, unless you have something to fall back on. I may not be drop dead gorgeous but at the end of the day, there's always girls who still fall for guys like me.
Know your strengths, and play to it.

We have dinner at Buddah Bar and it geta shot of absinthe there. For A$10 its the cheapest drink to get drunk on. 70% of alcohol is enough even without the woodworms to make me a happy man.

Lee takes me to Nikki's place to chill with some of his friends and down a couple of beers before we head out. I'm always in for drinks anyway and the guys were pretty cool to hang out with. Most of the time I'm actually entertaining them with my stories on the night I was caught for drink driving. Cracks everyone up always. One of the girls looked like she was almost sad I was leaving and was worried I might leave while she was showering.. yea, too bad she ain't hot. She really needs to trim her facial hair and she'll be all good to start dating. She has really stray eyebrows and a light moustache. Someone needs to run a lawnmower over her face. Excessive facial hair is not good for my prick.

We go down to Connections Club, largely because of the Lesbian Mud Wrestling. Fucked up decision. The place is Village People meets confuse ladies who think they are men. Fucked up. Its a fucking gay/lesbian bar. Hence, the lesbian mud wrestling, I should have seen that coming. So what do I do when the crowd is fucked? I drink..

Gin tonic, 2x whiskey, tequila, vodka and 2 beers later..

The place is still shit. And the wrestlers are butches, not what you'll always imagine lesbian mud wrestlers to be like in the movies. These ladies/men wannabes look like they REALLY do wrestle for a living. Shit.

And then there are the ugliest cross-dressers in the fucking WORLD. They'll be rejected even for the circus. A fucking 300 pound man with a crew cut and beard in a floral dress with a huge beer gut, just when I thought I'd seen it all. Perth truely amaze me sometimes.

Drinking is actually not a good idea, considering that I have to be up at 6am to get to the airport for my flight to Adelaide..


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