Monday, March 06, 2006

The Australia Trip- Perth Part 2


In Singapore, a weekend means throngs of family casually strolling down the streets doing some shopping. In Australia, weekends are for people to set up tents in the middle of huge fields to celebrate being lazy. I'm writing as how I see things are.

The guys take me down town to do some shopping. Melv drives today, so its the FIRST time I'll be sitting in an air-conditioned car. The only thing exciting that happens in Boringville is an accident that pans out right before my eyes. Its a gift of God to spice out my holiday. I love God.

This dumb white female filters lane without checking her blind spot and rams right into the car on the next lane. Australians have no aptitude in defensive driving I swear, and they say Asians are lousy drivers. They travel at 40km/h, keep a very safe distance, but they cannot anticipate the front car stopping despite the flashing third brake light. Instead, the stop right behind the car and horn. In Singapore, we would have ample time to filter, drive off and light a fag.

Anyway, the accident story. So this guy that gets ram into, stops by the road, turns to look back at the lady, swears (and I quote), "bloody hell!" With all the angst you'll expect him to run out and start kicking trash cans. The women pulls over, steps out of the car, and what does Captain Frustrated do? Take a baseball bat and take a blind swat? Get out and start real man swearing instead of blasphemy? No.. he drives off.

What the FUCK! In Singapore, this will never happen. No one is ever gonna be backing down and we always believe we're in the right. Every accident is going to be filled with vulgarities, and if you're lucky, they might break out into a fight. Yippie.

The guys tell me to stay off the beaches cos its laden with fatties and knowing me, they gather I'll be beaten to death for the stupid remarks I say.

At night, Melv, Lee and me head to Burswood Casino. What's visiting Perth if we're not going to gamble. People dress really well there, and there are alot of decent looking Asian tourist. I love it, I think its a great hunting ground. The guys don't really share my sentiments.

As soon as we get there, I head for the bar. Typically me. I get one beer since its decently cheap at A$3.50. Thats the amount I pay for coke anyway, so I might as well re-tox my begging liver. Suddenly, I get a tap on my shoulder. I turn to see these two Aboriginal males offering me a drink.

Man: "Here you go mate, this one's for you. Take a whiff."
Me: "You don't want it?"
Man2: "Naah we already had one and he can't take another shot of that. Its poison I tell yea."
Me: "so you want me to have it?"
Man: "Yea go ahead, its for yea."
Man2: "Its rocket fuel. Really nasty stuff, but yea gotta take it all down."

I skull the shot full of greenish liquid. Really potent stuff. Its way stronger than a Bacardi 151 or any shot I've done. No its not Absinthe, casino's don't serve banned drinks anyway. Whatever the shit is, I love it.

Lee changes A$100 and tries his hand at Blackjack under the guidence of Melv. I start walking around to see if there's any hotties worthy of my attention. I smile at these couple of Asian chicks who smile back. Most of the ladies who look back at me are Asians, and are usually older than me. These three Hong Kong girls who points to the table they were playing and I respond by hand signalling my lack of cash. Why? Because they were smiling at me all night but neither of them was worthy enough to divert blood to my dick. Two of them were fat and had small tits and that in my world is a cardinal sin. The better looking one was haggard and she showed less enthusiam in getting to know me. Good for her, I'll have been merciless.

I return to the table the guys were playing at and start my assault on the banker. I start placing A$10 bets. There's this slot which allows you to buy 'perfect pairs'. Basically if its a pair you win 5x ya bet. If the pair has a similar colour suit (eg. Spade and clubs, Hearts and Diamond) you'll win 12x the bet. If it is a perfect pair (diamond and diamond) you'll get a whooping 30x!!

I win my first 2 bets and on the 3rd bet, I get a pair of Jacks. I didn't bet on 'Perfect pairs' so no extra. My 4th hand, I get another pair of Jacks. The people around me start to make gushing noises and Melv shouts from across the table.

Melv: "why didn't you bet?!?!"
Dealer: "Ouch, what are the chances yea?"

By the time the dealer switches, I win $40, and have a $10 bet on the table. I tell myself to stop at $50. I lose that round however and is stuck with $40. Lee on the other hand is down to $30 from the $100 he starts with.

I switch places and start betting $20 stakes. I start to get in the zone, nailing Blackjacks and the banker starts to bust. In a straight 11 games winning streak, I take my winnings up to A$150, and help Lee recover all his losses and make some profit. People start cashing in on my luck and they bet on me. This really hot MILF starts to pile up her stakes on me. After helping her win heaps of cash, I start smiling to her. In between every round, we end up exchanging winks and smiles. For a moment, I would have ditched the game and have her take me up to her room. Yet, I didn't.

edit: I play like a man running on the sole courtesy of luck. Hitting myself even when I had 16s just so that the people around me would scream at my apparent foolishness. I love fucking them up, since I get to make the call even when they collectively bet larger than I did. Lee did an even better job.

Dealer: "4 or 14"
Lee: "stay."
Me: "Lee, nobody ever stays at 4 points. It's Blackjack for fucks sake!"

Everyone that bet has a bet on him hysterically cries out for him to take a card. Even the dealer was stunned when he motioned to stay. Was fucking hilarious cos Lee didn't know what was going on most of the time. He has an Ace and a 3. He hits, and gets a 2.

Lee: "Stay"
Everyone: "Noooooo!! Take a card! Take a card!!"

He finally gets an 18 or something. Everyone else thought he was deliberately trying to lose their money. Well I did, cos I wanted to stop and I didn't like the leeches cashing in on my luck without properly crediting me. I'd have only allowed the MILF cos she was way hot.

I get another Jack pair and top it up finally with a Perfect Jack pair. 4 jack doubles in on night, what are the chances of that? I joke and tell them to call me Jack for the night. Had I bet, I'll be up in the high hundreds. Small I know, considering how my old man and my uncles bet in tens of thousands. I kept wondering where high rollers played cos the table limits in the main hall were curbed at $500.

I leave immediately to cash out my winnings to prevent me from betting further, and she left the table shortly after when her companion came. I tell you, casinos rock for getting to know people. Lee and Melv arent as crazy as I am at the idea and they probably won't be back again, so I'd have to make seperate arrangements when I return to Perth next Monday.

Jon meets us for supper at Oriels, the same coffee joint Lee brought me too on the first night. More car accident drama unfolds. This Asian manager comes to the table next to us and tells them that their car just hit into his car, when all along the guys didn't leave the table.

The gist of the commotion was that the two cars were parked very close to one another and the Asian starts accusing the other of hitting into him. Alot of third party accounts, none of which I bothered about because the girl being accused looks ALOT like Olive from Popeye. She has a round face and is chinless and her voice squeaks exactly like Olive calling for help. Her friend is hilarious.

Friend: "This is fucking bullshit. I can't believe the cops actually came for this bullshit. My house got broken into and they took 6 hours to get there, and now there's a scratch on the car and they get here in 10 mins?"

We constantly supported Olive because the fucking Asian manager was damn rude to us. The fucker looks like a fucking bulldog, fat nose, think perpetually pouting lips and he looks like a mash of mince meat. He was that ugly and rude and he sure as hell hated us. The waiter comes to serve us and I make things awkward.

Me: "Is the food poisoned?"

The waiter laughs it off, thankfully. I'm usually never this rude.

On the way home, I stick my tongue out at this white chick next to us at the traffic light. Largely cos she was looking at me while I was making tired face. And since she was smiling I gather that she finds it funny. Lee is pretty much afraid I get us into some serious Viet style beat down if I continued to mess with random people on the road. Relax.. I still wanna live to.


Murdoch Uni has some pretty good looking Asians, but not enough to make me wanna be here any longer than a week. There is just too little life here. Even my friends can't keep up with my insatiable appetite for drinking and partying.

Its labour day so EVERYWHERE is close. Its not funny, especially when you want to get dinner and the only outlets open are fast food joints. We go to Subway where there is this girl working there with a plastic face that looks so much like Paris. I swear i've never seen such a dead ringer before so I have to comment to the guys.

Me: "Fuckin' hell its Paris! At Subway!"

Then I went on..

Me: "Where's Nicole? Shit, where's the camera? Are we on Simple Life?"

She's probably heard that one before so she pretty much ignores me.


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