Wednesday, February 22, 2006

The 'Blind' Date

LB and me had originally planned a double date. He was to bring one partner and I was to take another girl out for a movie together. Then he changed the plan and it became a double date, except that my date was a blind date who was his date's friend. I hope you guys can keep up with what I'm saying.

LB called to tell me that according to his friend, Rach, her friend has and I'm directly quoting, "Big boobs and a pretty face". Already this sounds good. I contemplated on two options,

a) I do LB the favour and go out together with my Russian Roulette style date. A good chance she might be as how she's described, but I won't get anything out of it. Or..

b) I take the safe bet and go out with my friend who is cute, has a good bod and I can be cheeky without pissing her off. I however will not get to meet new people.

The thing about people who fall under this 'big boobs and pretty face' category is that they are usually plump and hence the big boobs. I know at least 4 girls that fall into this. Should they shed 20 pounds of flab and come to acknowledge that picking up that KFC drumstick in repetition does not ton arms, then they would find themselves having twice as many suitors.

After some advice from various parties I was speaking to online, all of whom strongly suggested I picked option A. Much to selfish intentions as Flower puts it, "potential butterflytales material. More entertainment for me." I take one for the team, largely i'm doing it for LB. Altrusim, I cant emphasize enough on the importance of team playing.

Pappy joined us for the date, and since we were late, he had to pick them from Bugis and drive them to town. Pappy joins us for the same reason I'm giving this date any hope. The words 'big boobs' have a very hypnotizing effect on men.

Half-way through the trip there, I get the worse SMS from Pappy EVER.

Pappy: "You still got time to run!"

I took one look at the SMS and burst out laughing. LB took a while before he got it then complained of chest pains. I msged Pappy back to say that we got lost in Orchard Road, then started chastising LB on the shit he just got us into.

Me: "WHAT THE FUCK!!! I'm gonna start spouting nonsense.."
LB: "Eh, what ever nonsense you spout, don't say anything harmful."

By the time we reached the carpark, Pappy had just arrived and was walking towards us with the girls. I saw two girls, one not good looking at all, and another with seemingly bruises or what looked like birthmarks on her face. I couldn't identify both to begin with and from the angle they approached, I couldn't make out cup sizes either. My hysterics begun..

Me: "Why like that?! What's that on her face!!"
LB: "What face?! What's wrong with the face??!!"

LB totally refused to look, partly cos he was reversing the car. We hid in the car for a moment to compose ourselves. The last thing we want is to go out there and start staring. I do that alot, but I'm working hard to be nice these days.

LB: "What's wrong?! Got defect ah? I cannot take defects I tell you first..."
Me: "I dunno I dunno... Her face has bruises or a birthmark, either one. What the fuck!! Why did we have to come?!"

Finally we got out and the first thing LB said to Rach was.

LB: "Since when did you start to lie?"

Rach stuck strongly to her opinion. The only thing Rach said truthfully were the boobs. The girl had relatively large boobs. Her figure was in my opinion, below average. She neither had a small waist nor a tight ass. The good thing was that the mark on her face turned out to be makeup. I don't know which ghetto style this is but dolling up to look like you're on the set of Special Victims Unit is not my idea of beautiful.

Her name is unique. I'll call her Jewel. LB and I refrained largely from forming sentences with her name inside. Whether it was the overbearing English name, or the make up that looked like the opening scene of Rocky, we were going to be nice.

In between, LB and I got distracted by the iGallop. I actually sat on one. The salesman was nice and patient enough to take the whole load of crap I was giving him. I complained about it not being feasible for watching TV bcos the rocking gave me headaches from shaky vision. I said it could never tone any part of my ass and I asked if they could throw in the life sized cardboard pictures of the models straddling the iGallop so that it'll give me 'added' motivation. Whether he got it or not I don't know.

LB, Pappy and I ended up having dinner while the girls shopped. Rach met her cousin who was so much cuter, and had big boobs. We saw a guy with this HUGE mole below his nose, and I said some pretty nasty things. They thought it was funny. I shan't repeat it here.

Another of Rach's friend joined them. This girl totally went of the scales. If she wasn't a friend's friend, I would have thrown fries at her and repeatedly laughed everytime she talked, ate or moved.

I'll paint you a mental picture. Imagine the Predator without the mask, now fix that lower half of the face to that of Sandra Ng (Wu Jun Ru). This girl is nastily scary. Her teeth is crocked, jagged to be precise. Her top frontal set is grown in the same template as brick layers laid their bricks. Her lower jaw the perfect example of serious underbiting. Just imgine, when she talks while chewing her food, there's enough gap for strands of coleslaw to miraculously pop up. She looked very much like a horse eating hay. And as if things aren't already bad, she had to have a speck of mayo left on her upper lip.

I cant believe how mean I can be sometimes, but this girl is FUCKING ugly. Even with a ten foot pole, I'd have to consider poking her.

We started talking about my medical research and LB tells them the side effect is having teeth like mine. Ok, I have to admit. I don't have nice teeth. It's the only imperfection on my face. I have nice facial features, nicer than most men can ever dream of. That's becos I'm me. Yet even I have flaws. I have bad teeth (my top half is not straight), not even nearly as bad as PredatorGirl but still relatively flawed. Oh well, I make up for this by having a nice nose, big eyes, soft lips and a killer tongue. That girl has NO redeeming qualities.

Immediately after LB mentioned about the teeth, the girls asked to have a look at it. Basically, only Rach and LB have good teeth. Jewel has two big front tooth and an overbite and PredatorGirl, well enough has been said. I'd let her dignity rest. The two girls start defending me, saying that it isn't bad at all and stuff. Hmm I wonder why..

Thinking we had to watch the movie with PredatorGirl, I started complaining about the time and about having a tummy ache. On closer look, Jewel is pretty good looking, her look grows on you. Either that or PredatorGirl is making everyone else within sight look extremely good.

Thoughout half the time we were talking, I had to hide behind Rach to prevent myself from directly making eye contact with PredatorGirl. Each time I did, I ended up having something mean to say which cracked LB up even though he insisted I was going to have retribution for this. The worst was her 'stunned' expression, which came predictably from me telling them my age. It consisted of her mouth slightly open and filled with half chewed up coleslaw. Had she had snakes in her head, I would have wished she turned me into stone and end my misery.

We ended up watching a movie with Rach alone. The Nanny McPhee trailer reminded me so much of PredatorGirl. She left a huge imprint in my day, thats more than I can say for most girls I've met of late.


At 10:00 AM, Anonymous megaman said...

whoa !!! she sounds like the perfect bride for the Predator ... or better a replacement for yu fa in Stephen Chow movies ... hahaha ....

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