Sunday, March 26, 2006

Butterfly goes Prawning

Warning: VERY long entry and not the usual stories you'd expect from me.

If any of you have been prawning, you'll know that it thats ALOT of patience to catch those damn wanton stuffings. I now respect people who fish, and I mean REAL fishing in ponds or off docks. Its a wonder how anyone can devote so much time to waiting for a catch. Hence a change in my outlook on all things worldly, of late that would be dating. Rather than wait for one to take the bait, I'm going out to find me a nice girl that I can screw up.

Before we even went prawning at Marina South, I decided that I'm not going to spend another Saturday night at home and started looking for pre-prawn activities. I really needed alcohol and music but everyone else was either occupied or didn't think partying was enticing enough. Blaque called to say that he was going in to Johor and asked if I was doing anything later. Then in a moment of brilliance, I decided that I would head up to Johor to meet him and get drunk on the way up.

I called LB to tell him my plan and 10 mins later, I'm rummaging through my liqours, pouring them into plastic bottles and filling 160ml of Absolut Vanilla with a can of Pepsi Twist. There is no way a night can find a way to fuck me with alcohol as my companion. Terrance comes to pick Abbs and us.

Before we even reached the causeway, I've already finished my drinks and started getting a reminder of what alcohol does to my bladder. I need the little boys room.

10 mins later as we pass the checkpoint, I need the gents again. LB suggested eating Lok Lok, which if I managed to spell it right, is some road hawker with food on a stick and you just cook the food a la steamboat.



As soon as the cars pulled over, I made a run for the 7-11

Me: "Where's the toilet?"
7-11 guy: "There is no toilet"
Me: "What do you mean there is NO toilet? Where are you guys go to pee?"
7-11 guy: "Back alley"

I started running for the back, hopping in between steps. The moment I turned the corner, I started whipping it out and sprayed against the walls as I tried to move to a better spot away from view. It was nasty, a close glimpse of what its like to have a fucked bladder. If I'm going to start peeing uncontrollably, you guys need to put me down. I cant have me pissing on myself all the time.

So with me having finished a 30 sec long pee, no tap to wash my hands and a dinner that required me to use my hands awaiting me, you can imagine the amount of germs I brought to the table. I go back to the 7-11 store and the guys at the counter started smiling at me.

Me: "Sorry, I didn't flush."

A 160ml of Vodka is not going to get me drunk or even remotely highm but it is enough for me to start chatting up the plumish Lok Lok lady vendor. I might as well have been writing an encyclopedia with the amout of questions I was throwing at her. From the history of Lok Lok to asking 'what's that' on just about every food.

Me: "So how do you know how much I've eaten?"
She: "You need to keep the sticks"
Me: "What if people throw them away?"
She: "You can't do that, its dishonest?"
Me: "What do you mean can't do that? You cant tell dishonest people 'You can't do that', they're not gonna care."

We ate probably about 20 plus sticks in totally, I tried to drop a couple of them on the road.

Guy vendor: "Did you accidentally drop this?"

Nothing ever evades their eyes. Oh well you can't blame me for trying. The other thing I like about going countries where the exchange rates are in our favour is that I get to be a total asshole and say stuff I miss saying stuff like, "That's Cheap!" and "That's Fucking Cheap!"

Blaque called later as we finished up to asked if I was still around and that maybe we could still meet up. Had we no other plans that night and if I was properly dressed, I would have submitted to a night of debauchery. There's nothing more exciting than losing morality in a foreign land, best done under the heavy intoxication of spirits and spending a Saturday night worshipping the vices of a fringe city like JB.

On the ride back we decided to push Abbs' buttons and coerced her into telling us about her past relationships. Most of which I don't remember but these are those I remembered.

Me: "Have you ever had sex outdoors?"
Abbs: "No.."
Me: "What about in a car?"
Abbs: "Also no leh.."
Me: "What the fuck is going on with your life?!"
Abbs: "Haha...I'm quite a boring person actually.."

LB: "So what happened to your ex-bf? Why did'ya breakup?"
Abbs: "I think he got tired of me."
LB: "Ya I can see why?"

She later showed us a pic of her in the IC. She looked like the Stay Puff Marshmellow man, I laughed my head off.

Me: "HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA, so where are your stretch marks?!"

After we got out of JB, we arranged to meet Pappy, Totti and Zeekay at Marina South for prawning. Totti was drunk before getting there and spent most of the time sleeping on the chair in front of the fish pond. It's my virgin attempt at this, so LB ran through the basics. The baits used are raw cockles that we had to cut into smaller pieces to attach onto the hooks. Throw it in and all we need to do it wait.

For a non-activity actitity, this is alot more fun than I had expected it to be. If only there were blowjobs in between waiting for the prawns to bite the bait, I'd say this would be the best way to spend 2 hours without killing by brains. Its a nice change from my lifestyle of dance music, lots of alcohol and babes. What the place needs is hot women prawning in bikinis and I would dedicate my life to making Prawning an official sport in the Olympics.

The only thing about this that would make it a popular hobby for me was the fee. It cost $24 for about a 2hr plus activity and for that amount, we can go fishing at Zouk or MoS. What would also be nice is a beer garden, nothing beats prawning when you are drunk. This way they can have a lifeguard stationed at the side to dive in when people start fall over into the ponds. I'm sure there would be one if it's Australia, it's mandatory to have a beer bar at all outdoor activity centres.

You need alot of patience for prawning and thankfully patience is one of my redeeming traits. I can wait for my dates for an hour, but I'd expect a good fuck for that at nite. Seriously, Prawns are pretty smart for something thats going to end up on my seafood platter. I found myself cursing at the damn creatures for stealing my bait off the hook.

Terrance and LB were catching prawns like a Pipe Pipper bagging children and even Pappy and Zeekay who had a slow start ended up having enough prawns to make two decent servings of dumpling soup. The amusing thing here is that for the first hour, Pappy caught nearly nothing and was mostly feeding the cockles off the hook to the prawns. His face was priceless, half fraustrated half irritated and all depressed. After LB suggested him changing prawning spots did he make his first catch. Immediately as the prawns in his loot increase, he started trash talking.

Pappy: "One for team xxx"

He was randomly giving names to his partnership with Zeekay and throwing high fives and wild celebrations for every successful catch he made. Prior to that I was taking cheap shots at his bald patch, saying "Nobody prawns for two hours without catching anything!" and in a span of 10 mins, he had doubled my and Abbs' tally. I had to salvage the situation.

Abbs caught 3 in the final 15mins after a 2 hour drought. Leaving only me, having caught only 1, largely because I wasn't prawning for a bulk of the time, but I wasn't to be got done by them.

What did I do? I decided I'd go catch a fish. With my bare hands.

I dragged Totti with me, since he was still groggy after the drinks and would thus probably be the only one crazy enough to think fishing with bare hands to be possible. We went over to the fish pond where I had earlier saw a fish swimming close to the sides, just within reach of grabbing.

Okay, before I even continue, I'd like to add that under normal circumstances, it'll be almost impossible to catch a fish with your bare hands, and this fish was decently large, about the size of normal red snapper you buy at the market. What made this possible was that the fish looked like it was dying. It had one eye and was swimming very near the surface. As LB points out later, I had to be either incredibly crazy, stupid or brave to attempt the stunt I pulled.

Totti botched the first attempt and it was left to me. The bugger was swimming awkwardly close to the sides and I figured that the only way was to grab it by the tail firmly and pull it out as fast as I could. The only danger was the sickles on the top of the fish which might cut me during its struggle. Was that going to deter me from a place in fishing immortality? Hell no.

I grabbed the tail as it furiously struggled, whipping its body from side to side. I made sure the grip was strong and pulled it out of the water before dropping it on the ground. The fish looked like the ugliest fish I've seen being single eyed and all and my rough handling of it had caused it to lose a number of scales.

It laid there still frantically flapping its tail. Then came the question. What am I going to do with it. I had been so focused to catching it that it never occured to me that I didn't want to take it home. The last thing I want is to poison my family with a dying blind fish. We stood there, the admiration of my antics had died off and the comedy of me trying to hold on to the fish had ran its course.

Me: "So who wants the fish?"

No one wanted any part of the dying fish cause they were certain that any fish stupid enough to be caught like that had to be sent by King Neptune to poison the human race. LB finally decided to take the fish to use as food for his other fishes back home. Yes, fishes are cannibals. Catching the fish was actually illegal because we only paid to catch prawns. Fuck the rules, I used my hands as tools and not borrowed equipment.

the morning after prawn...

added: After LB had spent the entire car ride home shrieking and squirming at the fish struggling in the pail and after sending Abbs back to get her running gear, we met up with Totti and Zeekay for breakfast. I saw one thing coming...

LB: "Dude! She is damn boring.."
Me: "Ya I told ya.."
LB: "She is like the most boring person in the world.."
Me: "Maybe she's just tired.."

Not that I was being nice but people do have off days. Not everyone can be interesting and engaging everyday, and considering that she is in a company of strangers, its inadvertant that you'll be more reserved. See, even I can see both sides of a coin.

Zeekay and I got dragged into watching LB, Totti and Terrance play in the soccer match. I have effectively been awake for nearly 24hrs and being a groupie is the last thing on my mind. They disregard my protest and drove straight to the soccer match.

As soon as the car slotted into the lot, LB who had been asleep for the entire ride jumps up from his seat.

LB: "Hey Bro..."

It startled all of us cos he looked like he just got off a bad dream.

LB: "I left my boot at the carpark.."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA we burst out laughing at the adsurdity unfolding before us. LB had left one boot out at the carpark before we drove here and was now stuck with only one boot to play the match with. Then we got out and it started drizzling. Not funny anymore. We got to the pitched and realised that there isn't a groupie corner with shelter. Not funny at all. The only shelter was at the other end of the pitch where the toilets were. The shelter is perhaps 30cm long and had 2 benches just next to a heavily soiled toilet. This is fucking great.

The field is absolutely horrible. It looked like an entire herd of cows just had a 3 day all you can eat buffet there. Save for the sporadic patches of grass, this would have qualified as a beach soccer.

Whether it was the field of the playing level, the game was just horrible to watch. Zeekay was having a field day shouting insults at the players.

Zeekay: "FUCK! My grandmother can hit the ball better with her ass! You are a piece of shit!"

I would normal have joined in the festive mood of hurling abuse, but I was way too tired. My dreams deserve more attention then the little league.

The opposition was an entire team of Malays called the Dirty Dozen ( wow.. points for originality there, they might as well call themselves Aerosmith). I took them for the win, you know how good Malays are with a ball at their feet.

They score the opening goal. I am spot on. Then LB's team levels the score. I fell asleep, woke up to find that the score is now 5-1 in favour of LB's side. Thinking Zeekay is fucking with me, I tell him to fuck off. In the following span of 10mins, the score is up 8-1. I am wrong, D12 sucks big time. See, this is what happens when you put hope on people incapable of delivery.

With the match easily won and the match debriefly that went something like, "ok those that haven't paid the $10 pay to ..". The guys decided that a nice steam bath and a massage would be the best way to reward themselves. I had done nothing except doze off and laugh at the slow wingbacks but I'll never pass off a chance to pamper me.

My masseuse was a fucking chiropractor who other then cracking every joint in my body, was horrible at everything else. She spent a good 15mins cracking everything, my neck, fingers, back, legs and had a good arsenal of submission moves that she tied me into and released only after I shouted. She had on this super short skirt and seemed to loved kneeling down above my head. This is a PG massage. The thing about me is that even for a massage, the person massaging me has to be at least attractive or young. I cannot take men or old ladies touching me, its just repulsive.

LB comes out of his massage looking VERY pissed. Apparently, his massage was horrible and the massuese looked like a pig. She was indeed ugly. Short, stumpy and a flat face, I'd have kicked her if she ever tried touching me.

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