Tuesday, January 04, 2011

The 2010 That Went By

We all know by now how fleeting time is. It passes almost in an instant and we’re left wading in our petty procrastinations that when we look back, we marvel at how insignificant time has rendered our year.

Maybe some of you beat incredible odds, like winning the lottery, getting pregnant by accident, getting caught for drink driving or getting laid for the first time since hitting 200 pounds. Maybe some of you have had such a placid year that you have no memory of it. And maybe some of you are just glad that the year is coming to a close.

As with how I’ve done my previous reviews on the year, I’ll draw on the milestones of the year and award myself with memories that have defined my year.

Most Embarrassing Moment

Some time earlier in the year I had one of those nights that started out with good intentions and then exacerbated into a drunken frenzy that started with me first talking to a stone dog, then doodling on the stone chair, then trying to erase off the ink with my saliva under threat from the security guard to call the cops. All that while being caught on camera.

It didn’t end there. We ended up at St James and the security there was asking me to leave because I was walking around with a t-shirt torn at the centre that would have passed off as a vest. It is apparently inappropriate to dress like that unless you have washboard abs or a vagina. Read it here.

Or maybe it was the time I stood at the weighing machine and realized that I had gained 5kg since I got back from New York. It’s a pity weighing machines don’t accept denial.

Worst Outdoor Event

When we planned to attend the rave party at Genting, it was based on a promise that there would be VIP tickets and a solid 4 hours of trance that would tickle every impulse in my body into abandoning fatigue and dancing till my tendons waved a flag of surrender.

Not only did we not get the tickets, we ended up buying it off the black market at a marked up price that will make all exploitive capitalist proud. To add insult to injury, we also realized that there was no alcohol available at the event. The only thing that would have been worse is dancing naked on Mount Everest.

First Accident

There are things we brag about in life, like sexual conquests, pocket money, the cars our daddy drives and who has a bigger gun. For me, it was about an unblemished 11 year accident free record that unpropitiously ended when I was hit while being stationary in my parking lot.

It was amazing because one moment I was tearing my coupons and the next I’m out of my car taking particulars and then 5 minutes from that, I was making a police report with fervid expletives because the guy had given me a bogus contact number, till the cop on the line had to tell me to “..mind your language”.

Read it here.

New York

Bright lights, big city and everything you wish to see on E! Entertainment. What they don’t sing about are the drive-by shootings, drug peddlers and overpriced strip joints. But that is precisely what makes New York the mosaic masterpiece city that the world celebrates about; the imperfect world of dreams.

I never realized how much I missed the place until I got back and started going, “Hey, I was there” or “I know that place” every time the scene of show was filmed against the backdrop of Manhattan.

My time there, was a self-discovery on varying spectrums, like realizing that I’ve been too comfortable in my career, that I can survive a month without doing the laundry, that I can live with public transport, that I don’t need supper to continue my existence and that I don’t need a medium sized bed when I’m sleeping alone.

Best Gift

When I first started my blog, I had a dream, and that was to write professionally and with enough merit, luck, recognition and money, publish a book. I had other dreams as well, like becoming a movie director, selling pirated VCDs and stopping time, but it all sounded so insignificant compared to world peace and I didn’t want to be inferior to beauty queens.

Although I can’t pen a novel about wizards and flying broom sticks any more, I haven’t had time to draft a screenplay and I’ve been procrastinating on blog posts, I still managed to fulfill that dream of having a book published courtesy of Poca, who compiled a series of my writings into a book for my birthday.

I have 10 copies of that and it is the most brilliant composition since men discovered how to write. It’s not sold in bookstores because it is so awesome, they have to discontinue the encyclopedia if it ever hits the shelves.

2011 Resolution

The last time I actively made a resolution, I was still drawing with crayons and was too young to appreciate the finer things in life like coffee, tequila and cleavages – not in any particular order or coupling.

As I approach the big ‘three zero’, resolutions become more of guidelines for the year than targets or recuperation for the soul. I am making the resolution out of fear than I am for general well-being, or maybe it’s just vanity knocking at my door and that I’m giving myself a chance to recapture youth, or the feeling and look of it.

I need to lose weight or tone up, whichever is easier and less tedious. Normally I would recommend myself a religious schedule of bulimic workouts on my digestive tracks, but public toilets are just not too conducive for masking the grunts of self-induced puking, and also because mouthwash is expensive.

I need to lose weight because I risk a wardrobe makeover and never getting to poke fun of obesity anymore. It would be tragic only because I would lose half my wit if I have to exclude a demographic I so fondly love to ‘subjectify’.

I just want to be able to take that flight of stairs with that same confidence as Sherpa Tensing did when he took Everest, or when Monica took a whole load of Bill in and on her, without fearing that I would go into cardiac arrest or tripping.

So here’s to the new year, even if I spent it singing in an elevator with LB, RotiPrata and Totti, or if I disappointedly remained sober through the night. Here’s to loved ones, who have always stuck by us, even when we’ve gained a few pounds. Here’s to friends, who made us laugh at ourselves and gave us bad suggestions, because we learnt what’s right from doing wrong.

And here’s to 2010, because you passed so quickly and taught us that life is given to those who take it. Hello 2011, I’m coming straight at you this time…

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I love your writing. I just started a blog myslef and have scoping out whats out there and yours is one of a few I really like. You are a talented writer and have kept me entertained and laughing out loud at times. Keep it up and feel free to check out my writings- not quite so funny- but very personal.

 
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