Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Survival Guide # 4 - How To Survive WAking Up To A Stranger

Sometimes in life, we lose our battles with alcohol and wake up with alcohol amnesia wondering where we are. Sometimes we wake up next to the toilet bowl, in hotel rooms, and if you’re really lucky, with a condom in your ass.

How to survive waking up with a stranger – in a strange place.

1. Stay

CalmPanic is always the first error a person can commit in this situation, other than getting drunk which was what led you to this in the first place. Relax, take a minute to recollect the night’s escapades and it that fails, take another minute to formulate an exit plan, which includes calculating the nearest route to the door or out the toilet window.

2. Exit Plans

Don’t ask questions unless you intend for a sobriety shag in the morning. Crying, regrets and self berating can be done in the cab. The paramount concern now is to bail when they are asleep.

If you’re unlucky enough to wake up to a “good morning”, then all conversational structures should be shape with politeness and engagement, so long as the other party is good looking. If they are ugly, a quick gorge to their eye should suffice, before charging for the door.

3. Excuses

Always blame it on alcohol so you won’t be labeled with big words like promiscuous, amoral or decadent. After all, alcohol is the explanation of unwanted pregnancies, domestic violence and UFO sightings.Only use this if you are entirely sure you don’t want to wake up next to them again, ever. If not, conversational cues to prompt a name should be inserted right after, “hello” and somewhere before “can you call me a cab?”.

4. Denial

Denial is great for feeding your conscience and to make the situation more awkward. It’s even better than conjuring excuses because you don’t need to validate your lie or hear what the other party has to say. Let’s just hope you won’t be seeing yourself on YouTube.

5. Yelling

Should all else fail, yelling is the best way to get out of your predicament. It won’t be pretty, but if you do it well enough, you can cause the other party great panic and guilt True professionals at yelling have been known to make people defecate in their pants.

6. Milk it for it’s worth

When all else is lost, you should probably make the most out of it, like breakfast in bed, a free ride home or invoicing them for your hourly rate. You’ve already lost your dignity, the least you can do is to take their money.

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