Survival Guide # 5 - How To Survive a Birthday

If you’re old enough to lift a glass of champagne, then you’ve probably experienced a birthday laced with alcohol and the only memory you have is shaking hands with random people and going to sleep hugging the toilet bowl.

How to survive a birthday.

1. Pacing

A birthday without alcohol is blasphemous, much like yawning in church or steak with ketchup, but binge drinking when you don’t have the capacity is just stupid. The key to surviving begins with pacing yourself through all the mindless toasting. It’s not going to be easy, because somehow your friends are always dumber on your birthdays when they think it’s a great idea to get you drunk fast.

Think about it people, when the birthday guy is smashed, someone has to look after him and the party ends earlier. So unless you are rushing home to watch Oprah, don’t rush it. It’s paramount that all your friends understand that this is a birthday celebration and not some competition on who gets to kill your liver. It’s about having fun and you can’t be doing that if you’re passed out on the dance floor.

2. Birthday drinks

I never understood the ritualistic suicide of having a flaming drink for birthday. No one ever enjoys it and people buy you that because they are cheap and they want you drunk fast. It’s a veteran rule to never mix drinks if you intend to leave the night with your dignity – and sometimes chastity – intact. One birthday I attended, it started with a flaming lambo and it ended with him giving the pavement a blowjob – 23 minutes later.

Remember it’s your birthday, you’re entitled to piss on traffic lights with impunity, so what is saying ‘No’ to certain drinks, so long as you are still religiously drinking. Sure, they’ll frown and throw big words like, ‘wah lau’ or ‘buay steady’, but it’s your birthday, so you can probably afford to lose a couple of friends.

3. Yell A lot

Friends will stop making you drink so long as they know that you are inebriated – it’s an obsession, like collecting stamps, vanity and necrophilia. Never tell people you are drunk because people who are drunk will never admit that they are. Yelling helps. Drunk people yell a lot.

4. Going on the offensive

This is a great strategy if your friends are lightweights. Always do group toastings so that you don’t fall into a precarious position of having individuals taking turns to drink with you. So long as they see that you are drinking, you’ll be fine. Be in control, so always pour your own drinks and follow each sip with a question so that it distracts them from noticing your glass.

Remember, it’s you against the horde, just imagine yourself to be Rambo or Hitler because for some reason, everyone is going to be picking on you. If all else fails, I hear McDonald’s has a great birthday package available.