My First Chinablack

Foremostly for those that don't know me already, getting drunk is a staple diet in my weekend agenda. Though I can hold my liqour pretty well, thanking my less than able bladder for dispelling the wretched alcohol from my body at regular intervals, the consequences of me being under the influence of alcohol, it’s an audibly pleasant sight.

Awhile back, I went with my army mates to Chinablack (it’s inadvertant that we club with camp mates at least once as a regulation of male bonding). Reznor was kind enough to set up the guest list and tables for us. We just simply strode in. Now I won't go into introducing the guys cos they aren't exactly fishermen nor are they regular clubbers. The story here is on ME!

The 6 of us sat down by the table and waited for our drinks to come. One of them commented on this being the players table. A table full of bottles always attracts attention. I love the place already. I see what the hype's all about. Two scenarios flashed before me as I scanned the crowd.

1) The scene is so bad I drown myself with Chivas and get so pissed drunk I can fuck the two Whales standing by the bar.

2) I drown myself regardless of what happens, I pass out and forget I ever came here.

Yes. Yhe scene is bad, unless of cos you still can’t dechiper sacarsm, then probably u shld read blogs on Smurfs and Carebears. Fucking boring shit happening as far as I can tell. The most interesting thing to happen by far has to watching the bartender mix Vodka with Whiskey, but history reminds me that miracles can hit you out of nowhere when we least expect it; like an erection on a Monday morning.

12.15am: We are finishing up the first bottle. Babes are coming in.

This girl over at the bar sudden intrudes into our dance space. My friends make friendly banter with her and this girl is drunk. She's ugly and drunk, two combinations in a girl I cannot forgive. She opens her mouth and surprise surprise, she's dumb too! Great, the trinity of the worst traits one could ever be condemned to.

12.32am: She's forcing us to drink; with our drinks! And she's drinking our drinks too. Maybe she ain't that dumb afterall, but she's still ugly and getting pissed drunk faster than Alonso on wheels.
12.35am: She forces me to drink. I’m intolerant of ugly bitches who steal my drinks, so I grab the bottle (which is mine to begin with) that she's holding and tell her friends to come get her away from me.
12.36am: She shouts at me "Why so buay (not) steady?!" That drunk bitch! That’s my drink she’s holding!

She: "My friend is a model hor! Donch’ throw the face of models!"

What the fuck is she talking about?! Can people actually be so dumb they start conversations at mid-sentences?

It took me a full minute to realise that she was referring to my T-Shirt, which had a print of the word Model. Right, the drunk bitch here thinks people who wear shirts with Models printed on are actually models. I can so picture her at prom night with the tight ELITE MODELS baby Tee.

I actually told her to "Fuck off" cos her buzzing was so irritating that I wished I had an empty bottle to smash her head with.

I hooked up with this hot chick I’ve been looking at all nite. All's good, until I realised she spoke ZERO English and she's from China. We all know what China chicks come here for. Thankfully China chick here actually shaves her armpits but I couldn’t carry the conversation beyond "so where are u from". I’m bad at Mandarin as it is when I'm sober, but when I'm drunk, I’m monosyllabic and my tonation is non-existent. She cannot make out what im saying. Fuck her..

I was back to sitting down at the table again. A group of girls asked if they could leave their bags at our table. I took a quick scan. No excessive meat spilling out. Pass. One of them is actually pretty hot to me, cos she looks androgynous but she assures me she's very much a female.The androgynous looking girl sat beside me and I offered her a drink. She took it and ruffled my hair. She introduced herself as Coco. That’s transsexual warning no.1; fake names.

Coco: “How old are you?”
Me: “Old enough to drink.”
Coco: “You look so young…”
Me: ( I gestured my age ). “You?”
Coco: “Don't tell you.. a gal's age is secret.”
Me: ( I look for the adams ) “Eh you look abit like a transsexual”
Coco: “Wha...what?! Of cos I’m not!”

I went on telling her to stop lying and to just admit it. It got to a point she got so worked up she flashed me her IC. I saw some things I liked which was the gender and some I didn't, which was her age. I now understood why she patted me on the head.

Coco's other friends started joining in the conversation. She wasn’t good looking so I couldn’t be bothered. I left them to the guys to talk to. I started telling Coco I was drunk and that I needed support. She pulled me over to lie on her shoulders. She's bony there and it’s uncomfortable, my temple was at risk of being pierced by her shoulder-blade.

New girl joins in the group. Black body hugging dress, nice ass and good choice of underwear. I decided I want her instead. She went over to talk to Coco and I introduced myself as Coco's brother. She laughs cos she thought I was poking fun at Coco's age. I’m Butterfly. I quickly switch my attention to the new girl whom I shall refer to as, Lina.

I was pretty tipsy cos I was actually dancing to retro. Fuck all of you who are shooting me That look. When you’re at my state of inebriation, you'll even dance to national anthems. I have to catch Lina up to speed to my state of consciousness.

Lina: “I want tequila..Ii don't like Chivas”
Me: “It’s the same babe..”
Lina: “No they're not.. Chivas sucks”

I’m pretty good at convincing people to drink.

Me: “It’s the same.. they all sound Mexican”
Lina: “Chivas is not Mexican”
Me: “Chivas.. Chito.. Chika.. whatever.. all sounds Mexican”
Lina: “Can I have tequila please..”
Me: “I can give you Chivas and you don't even need to say please. Just try it, if you don't like it, then take another shot.. soon you won't be able to tell what from what anyway.”

Lina is drinking Chivas with a vengence.
Lina is drunk
Butterfly is happy.

She was so drunk she actually needed to lie down. Being the nice person I was, I sat there with her while she lay on my lap. She was mumbling some shit, which I couldn’t care less as long as it wasn’t marriage vows or relationship contracts. Suddenly, everything is good. I love Chivas and I love Chinablack. She moved closer to me and mumbled what I heard to be O.N.S.

For the young and innocent reading, ONS is short for One Night Stand. And if this 3 words mean comedy to you, I want you to stop reading and take your Harry Potter instead.

I was all psyched up cos I finally heard something I liked. Its the most romantic thing she's said to me all night. Now if I could just hear the full sentence..

Lina: “You know alot of my friends do ONS, but I don't do ONS...”

Why did she have to start the sentence positively and end it so negatively?! Why couldn’t she have just said, "I don't do ONS". Its like a tickle to tease me and a subtle "haha, you picked the wrong gal". Is this the part where I’m supposed to start coaxing her with faux promises of love?

I told her I wasn’t that easy too, since I figured it might be a test of sorts. Yes, it never once occurred to me that when someone is pissed drunk, formulating a test was perhaps #431 on the TO DO LIST. I hate Chivas and I hate Chinablack.

I was drunk so I reacted to such matters slowly. I told her to move to the next table where it was empty so that I could stretch my legs. We moved, we sat and we started kissing. I have no idea how that started. Probably it was because while she was in her ONS talk, I had my hand on her ass. I honestly anticipated a different ONS talk, and somehow my reaction for that was pretty much based on reflex.

I was kissing her and furtively giggling at the absurdity of her speech. This girl was so full of bullshit. No ONS and her hand was on my crotch? She had to be the legendary cock teaser my mum warned me about.

Her friends came to suggest taking her home and I was like "HELLO! Don't u guys ever knock!" They are obviously sour because none of them were getting any action. Obviously, I was wrong as my friend pointed out to me, the place was closing. Must be the alcohol. I thought it just started.

They extricated her to the lift with such speed that it shamed our army and I wondered if they were in the secret services.

And so it ended... like that. I hate over protective friends.