You Are Fat When People Say..

There are things in life, which can be disputed on subjectivity. Like a person’s looks, taste in food, homosexuality and genocide. Then there are those that have no room for debate or polarizing objections. Being fat is one of them. If you’re fat, you deserve to be laughed at. There’s no dichotomy to this. Life is cruel as it is, we don’t need fat people to make it more miserable for us.

Contrary to general belief, obesity is a contagious disease and can hit you out of nowhere, like homosexuality and erectile dysfunction. One day you are sitting home eating a tub of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey, refusing to exercise and the next thing you know, you are whale. And you wonder why..

Unlike laziness and poverty, you can actually do something about obesity. It’s called bulimia and liposuction. Puking is way less painful than having people randomly throw ashtrays at you for being a whale. It’s part of our human rights to do so.

Generally, it’s always better to get a second opinion regarding weight issues, since most women who look like they learnt maths by counting their rib cages, tends to think they are fat and hence they continuously add to our death toll. Anorexia will soon be the number one killer in society, relegating Adrian Lim and asthma.

There are however, two very clear indicative lines that people will randomly throw at you that actually hints at your weight. And because everyone practices civility these days, they try to disguise it as a compliment. Those hypocrites.

These are what they actually mean when they say,

1. Did you lose weight?

You were fat before but you obviously shed pounds and you look better. Could be the corset working or clever disguise with black outfits. Either way, it’s casting you in a faltering light so you will be dating a lot more.

You know this only works on fat people because if you were slim and you lost weight, people say,
“You lost weight! You’re so skinny now, you should eat more.”

We don’t guess. We actually tell it to you, just so you know you can stop before you get audition calls for Castaway 2: Starvation revisited.

2. Looks like you’re having a good life

You are fat. Your friends have not seen you for some time and in that period you’ve gained a considerable amount of fatty tissues built up excessively around your neck, thighs and waist. This could be due to,

a. Lack of exercise. Of which you are forgiven for the first 3 kilos gained, but will be scorned and mocked thereafter.

b. Being in a relationship.

I’m not sure who ever said it was okay to lessen the makeup and start piling the pounds because ‘love is about overlooking the superficialities of appearance’, but that person is an idiot. And if you actually subscribe to this propaganda, then you are an idiot.

True love that will blind you to the realities of cellulite and hairy armpits is only found in Disneyland, where you can probably get a free blowjob from Goofy and still have Donald cheer you on. Even so, you don’t see fat ass Disney princesses prancing around. Love is beautiful, fat is ugly, they cannot possible co-exist. Period.