Hello Karma

Karma has been the most convenient excuse invented by mankind to allot all screw ups that has been flung our way and ran over like road-kill. Inevitably, we are all waiting for Karma to bitch slap us for that one misgiving we knew would come back to poke us in the ass.

Yes, we know it’s wrong to sleep with another person’s girlfriend, or wife for that matter, but should we really resist it when they are hot? We know retribution will come back to greet us one day, but we also know someone else is going to have it worse.

For starters, I can assure you that Karma is real and not some make believe children’s horror story like dengue fever or global warming. I know this because I’ve been largely acquainted with it.

Two years ago I was partying like I was going for a liver transplant and I was humbly brought down to reality by getting slapped with a drink driving charge. I’ve hooked up with women like I found them in a discount isle and have since continuously met with enough psychos and hook up tragedies to start my own mental institution. I’ve wanted to lace up my running shoes for evening jogs only to have the soles fall off.

Trust me, I cannot possibly make all these up. I get it; my life is ineluctably destined to palavering you with tales and providing you with that perfect afternoon entertainment. And on more than one occasion, this has been a guilty indulgence for you.

“Well Butterfly, what goes around comes around.”

Yes, Karma is like syphilis. You know you have to wear a condom when you hook up with back alley prostitutes, but you didn’t and you’re now just waiting for it to hit you. Karma is really just the consequence of stupidity and disrespect for rules, sent to us by snail mail.

Come on let’s get this over and done with. I’ve been naughty, so spank me and drop some Santarinas off at my room when you are done.

1. Karma is a cock blocker

When people start thinking of consequences, we stop doing things our basic instincts tell us to. And to deprive our carnal instincts or pleasures for that matter, would be a grave injustice to our rights as humans. We should be allowed to pause retribution and do what we want to do, or maybe give a donation to some shady charity organization to appease Karma, in the aftermath of it.

You meet this person you really like (to fuck). It starts with cordial introduction and it blossoms into casual flirting. You know the attraction is mutual. The person makes a move on you and you arrest all possible developments and footsteps towards the bed because they are attached. One thing’s for sure,

You are an idiot.

You start reasoning your actions, bringing in horrible words like ‘morals’, ‘principles’ and ‘wrong’, words that absolutely have no meaning. These words could have easily been substituted with ‘sorry’ but you allowed Karma to cock block you even before your belt came off, which brings me to the next point..

2. Karma should be shared

We should be allowed to split the wrath of Karma. For instance, I meet a girl and in our drunken stupor, we hook up and by some stroke of sheer ignorance, I fail to remember she is married. Now, am I really to blame? No.

I get one third of Karma’s spit of fury, the girl gets one third and maybe a miscarriage somewhere down the line and Johnny Walker gets smite by a bolt of lightning for commodifying debauchery in a bottle.

Life has so much more to live for when you actually take out the equation of fear from retribution.

3. Karma works only one way

If you think Karma is a quid pro quo functioned mechanism of life, then you are wrong. Karma is really just retribution disguised under a different name. It’s like a transvestite; it looks good on the outside, but once you’ve peeled off enough layers and deconstructed the whole thing, you’ll discover the ugly truth of it.

As I’ve mentioned, Karma is really just consequence sent out by post. It takes awhile before it gets delivered and the good stuff usually just gets lost along the way. That’s postage for you.

Do something good and you’ll almost never get to rip the rewards. And whilst waiting for good Karma to repay you, you do something bad and shit starts happening to you. At this point you really should be wondering if Karma actually cancels each other out. They do, that much I can assure you.

I do tons of good deeds daily. Like keeping the toilet seat down, allowing people to cross at pedestrian crossings and traffic lights, paying for the café latte, the list runs on endlessly to a point where I can actually convince myself that I am a saint. Yet, I don’t get bukaked on with blessings as much as I get shit thrown at me.

4. Karma is not cumulative

As much as people tell you that they want amass good deeds so that Karma will repay them in the next life, you should really just ignore them. In medical science, there is a canonical term for people like them; people who are too far sighted for their own good. They are called, idiots.

What do you think Karma is? An amusement park machine where you accumulate your stupid tickets to exchange for that Elmo plush toy? You think Karma comes with a built in calculator for you to tally when you die? Do you really think you should give a shit about the next life if you have to be miserable in this one?

Look, this is real simple.

You are morally upright. You think pre-marital sex is wrong. You campaign to save the environment. You occasionally volunteer at Salvation Army. You are also ugly. What happens is, you die a virgin and never having watched porn because you think it’s demeaning to women. Sure, we’ll probably name a tree after you, but I really hope Karma gives you a 9 inch dick and some brains to actually use it in your next life.

Or,

You immerse yourself in decadence. You bath in the river of debauchery and probably with 20 other women together. Sure, fate hates you and Karma punishes you by never finding true love, ever. You might never find a girlfriend, but I’m pretty sure you might have fucked someone else’s along the way. Maybe twice even.

Live life today and let the person in your next life deal with the bullshit Karma is dishing out later.

5. Karma is erroneous

Karma like botox and Manolo Blahnik, is never perfect. Sometimes you fuck up and Karma actually lets you get away with it. Like, child molestation and murder. Just ask Michael Jackson and OJ Simpson about it.

The general rule I figured, is to fuck up so much so fast at once that Karma just accumulates all that under one deduction. For instance, when you cheat on your partner with multiple people, that only constitutes as cheating, because cheating is cheating, IS cheating.

People usually get too heartbroken and angry after a confession of, “I slept with..”, to even pay attention to what comes after that sentence. So, even if that sentence ended with “the entire football team”, your partner just gets angry and since they are usually already angry with you for sleeping with one person, it’s not really going to make a difference to you. It’s not like they are going to be having mood swings.

“I’m going to be angry with you now, but I’m going to get happy later and angry with you again after that for sleeping with two other people..”

On a side note, strangely, the only people whom I know who have been consistently multi-cheating, are women. And I sometimes wonder why I’m still single..

So in finality, do we actually allow our lives to be ruled by a perpetual concern for Karma? Should we constantly look over our shoulders to see if Karma has caught our heels? No, because life is beautiful with backlashes.

Hello Karma, let’s get this over with..