The Chastity Belt Weekend

When MS told me she was flying down for the weekend to spend her birthday with me, I knew almost instantly that with such honour, not only came responsibility, but it also meant that for the duration of it, celibacy and commitment were the two new words added into my vocabulary.

My mum subscribes religiously to ‘I Am A Conservative Mother’ and to other magazines like, ‘Conservative Weekly’ and ‘Skeptical Mum’s’. So you can imagine how thrilled she was to learn that MS was going to be staying with us for the weekend. I hear her running to campaign for ‘safe sex’ already and to restock my pile of condoms.

When MS eventually did come, my plan was to not create an entirely new itinerary to fit her liking, but instead, to incorporate her into my pre-existing weekend template; to party. At this point of time in my life, I cannot possibly fathom a weekend that will whiz by without the companionship of alcohol and music. I am incorrigible.

Friday.

I rounded up the guys to herald in MS’s birthday. It was the mandatory practice of champagne and whiskey, with beer thrown in periodically throughout the night to ensure we were consistently re-toxicated.

MS started dancing and I pointed out to Sheena and Faith why it only takes her one dance routine to remind myself why I’m allowing her to be part of my life. Naturally, half way through the night she got pissed at me for some pictures of me and other ladies on my phone. Exclusivity has been a topic she has been preaching, which I’ve never quite grasped the concept of.

I started having beers with Niner at the Members area and we thought it might be a good idea to chat up the two girls that were next to us at the bar. I was already well tanked and the girl was fucking irritating, or maybe she just wasn't pretty enough for me to be attentive to what she was saying.

Me: “I cannot comprehend stupidity.”

The girl turns to Niner.

Girl: “What did he say?!”

I headed back to MS, because I knew leaving her at the dance floor was the best way to have guys swarm in. Apparently, I was wrong. She wasn’t only enthralling the boys, but she had this German lady so hooked onto her, the lady was practically offering to buy her.

GermanLady: “How much must I give to take her home?”
Me: “She’s not for sale.”
GermanLady: “Okay, I have about 200 plus Singapore dollars. I can give you all. I just want her to go home with me.”

The lady was hilarious, from my point of view at least, and she was perpetually looming around us, so much so that I almost mistook her for being part of the group. If she was younger and hotter, I’d have weaved myself into the bargaining rubric and have her take me home as well. She wasn’t, so I was almost prepared to throw Reznor at her.

Saturday.

It was the afternoon of the Halloween bashes and I had yet get my costume. MS was in town, so the mandate now in progress was to get two costumes instead of one. Poks and Totti were already out costume hunting, so I decided that knowing what degree of ridicule they were willing to subject themselves to, was a good bench for me to start from.

Poks eventually settled with a Beefeater outfit and I managed to persuade MS to go as a geisha. I met Giant at one of the costume place and he gave me a brief rundown of everyone else’s gear. From what I heard, I was expecting a ninja, a bunny suit, a Chinese vampire and some evil school-girl.

One thing I hadn’t anticipated was the amount of attention MS was going to get at MoS. I knew she was going to be hit on, but I just didn’t prognosticate the gradation of lame pickup lines the boys were throwing at her.

They were lined and I emphasize, LINED around her and were throwing anything from Japanese phrases to ‘your kimono is very nice’ to ‘must be hot in there’. I’m a guy and I know we know shit about kimonos.

She eventually got irritated at one Chinese boy who was regurgitating to her some elementary Japanese words - which he probably picked up watching his first porn production yesterday – even after her repeatedly telling him she wasn’t Japanese. I stepped in and told the boy the only words I believed he hasn’t heard being said to him all night,

Me: “Fuck off.”

He stared at me as if I was being rude, then realized I wasn’t kidding, so he went off with his friends. And this was a KID, who probably needed a parental consent form to use vulgar words. Naturally, I did a mentally calculation. There were 5 of them and there were about 20 of us. With age, comes superior math skill. That boy is not in my league. I even congratulated myself for bullying kids.

MS eventually got drunk courtesy of CokeWhore and RollerGirl and I warned them that the consequences of her being unconsciously inebriated was going to be burdened on me. They ignored me all the same.

When we eventually got home, MS got all emotional about it being the last night of her holiday and that she didn’t want to leave, so she spent nearly half an hour in the toilet sobbing.

I thought she was being ridiculous but acknowledged the fact that she was still slightly tipsy, so I ignored her. I only realized she was actually upset with me –or my lack of attention- when she said,

MS: “You want to sleep, you can go sleep. It is okay.”

That’s because when a girl says it’s okay, it means if you don’t settle it now, you will have enough shit in the morning to fertilize another Rainforest.