Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Butterfly Watches Environmental Film

I confess. I’m not the most environmental friendly person you’ll find. I think trees just takes up space where more shopping malls and clubs should be built. I think recycling is a word synonymous with the elderly workforce and the slogan “Go Green” is a campaign to legitimize revenge fueled by jealousy.

I have a “I am a Young Environmentalist” badge, from that Young Scientist program we had in science classes in primary school during my time, lying somewhere in my room. Ironic isn’t it on how I turned out. Well, I never really understood the whole fuss about it. I was 10 and I had huge words like “ozone depletion’, “resource exhaustion” and “necrophilia” thrown at me, that I just assumed I could actually do something about it.

On Tuesday night, Niner hooked us up for the premier screening of The 11th Hour. It was one of those that came with a fancy cocktail reception that was laced with cheap wines and pastries that excluded gourmet pleasantries like caviar and salmon.

Prior to this, I’ve never once heard of the film, let alone know what I was getting myself into. I heard ‘free tickets’ and I never really paid attention to what came after it. Apparently, it was some documentary on the environment or to be exact, the demise of it. I frowned when I realized there wasn’t going to be any nude scenes or heads being blown off.

Some lady came over and informed us that the movie was starting in 5 mins and requested that we made our way in soon. For Christ sake, this is Lido, the movies never starts on time. The commercials and trailers run on long enough for Korea to be unified.

Faith: “Dude, the movie is starting.”
Me: “The whole movie is about dying trees, you are not going to be missing much.”

I pointed at a plate the waiter was clearing.

Me: “Who the fuck wasted a drumstick?!”
Faith: “That would be Scooby.”
Me: “Scooby! The movie hasn’t started and you are fucking wasting food already?!”
Scooby: “It’s fucking horrible..”
Me: “You do not waste food at a reception promoting the saving of the environment.”
Scooby: “Do I look like I’m an environmentalist to you?”

I met RollerGirl by the buffet table.

RollerGirl: “Here for the free wine and food huh?”
Me: “No.. I care for the environment. I signed up at I-am-a-treehugger.com.”

We knocked back our second glass of wine and headed to the theatre, only to find some boring opening speech by some dude from some ‘I want to save the world’ agency. This absolutely bored me. Where is Captain Planet when you actually need him?

Me: “What is this ‘ladies and gentlemen, thank you for..’ *snores *. Get on with the fucking show.”

RollerGirl dropped me an SMS.

RG: “Eh stop swigging lah. Movie start already.”
Me: “Fuck lah, I see this movie everyday. It’s called Tree Pruning. Eh what is this guy talking about?! Shut up and show some tits!”
RG: “I think you’re in the wrong theatre, dude. Lots of bush but no tits here.”

I don’t remember EVER sleeping through any movie I’ve ever watched in a cinema, save for one Mel Gibson flick, but that was fatigued induced and no one runs a half marathon in the morning and still catches a mid-night movie awake. BUT this show absolutely lullabyed me faster than a full snort of valium.

Ten minutes into the movie, which was randomly throwing up figures of rising temperatures and depletion of natural resources, I decided that I already know all this and sleeping would be more productive.

If you took geography at varsity level like I did for a few modules, you’ll also know that Global Warming is a highly mis-interpreted term that people like to juxtapose next to green house effect and other man-made consequence of industrialization.

If you think Global Warming is a consequence of Man’s actions, you are wrong.

I woke up 15 minutes later and the movie was still on the same topic as when I fell asleep. The same idiots were talking, the same agencies were proliferating their campaign to save the Earth and the same charts were showing us that the Earth is dying at an accelerated rate.

I woke up towards the end again and they were doing a summary of the entire movie; Our Earth is dying, save it. I don’t understand why they needed a 2 hour movie to bring across a message that could have been done in 5 second. Niner was apparently the only one that stayed awake throughout this blasphemy of a Hollywood production.

The World is dying, I get it, but it’s not like I can make a difference. The problem lies with the Americans because they are using the bulk of the world’s resources. Look, when America does something about it, I will too.

Here are some suggestions on how to get people to actively do things. Need to start a war? Find someone and accuse them of having weapons of mass destruction, then eliminate them regardless of proof. Need to save the Earth? Move the Americans to Mars. And when they destroy that too, you can move them to Venus.

I tried to watch it, I really did. Even against phosphenes and the countless others who were dozing off, but when I realized how ridiculously dumb it was to be sitting in the cinema watching grown men telling me that cutting trees and driving cars are harmful to the environment, I decided to respond in the only mature way I know; sleep.

Well, if Captain Planet just showed up, everything would be fine and people would not have to be wasting money on dumbass documentaries like this. I mean, Michael Moore was great at documentaries and I’m sure they could have gotten some pointers from him, but to go on a make a feature length visual torture on the Earth? Idiots.

I did however felt bad about snoozing through the film. It’s disrespectful, that much I know. So I did my part on saving the environment. I went home and watered my money plant.

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