Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Butterfly goes for first wedding dinner

At 25 and attending your secondary classmate's wedding, makes you wonder where your life is heading. Everyone is getting married as it seems. To hell with it. My ex girlfriend is getting married, that girl is obviously mad and has no idea what she is doing. Whatever. You do realise that I'm going to be grow into a bitter old man with no one to love me, and I'm going to pry on innocent primary school boys. Ooh, I still shudder at that thought. I'm kidding, nothing is going to make me switch teams.

The best thing about weddings is that, alcohol is always free. You know me and how much alcohol means to me. There isn't a better excuse to celebrate matrimony than under the potent influence of whisky and wine.

You'll think weddings would be a good place to meet chicks? My assumptions can never be further from the truth. There are NO girls there of my age group, this wedding is starting to suck, I await alcohol to make a timely intervention and save this social disaster. I'm quite shitty at writing regards as well. I wrote,

"All the best for the future. Thanks [signature] "

Don't ask me why I wrote 'thanks', two words, No.Idea. I might be built for writting Hallmark cards afterall if I ever need a career suicide. And this is when I've not had a single drop of juice in me. I can't imagine what I'd have written if I was drunk.

"Shit, you guys have NO idea what you've gotten yourselves into, but all the best. [thumbprint in blood]"

My table of 7 consist of my ex school mates and one celebrity, who is the sister of one of the guys. She's a Dj and you see her alot on tv doing commercials. Blaque was his usual clamorous self which is always good to be around, until about 1 hour when it starts to get on your nerves with his recycling of jokes, and you wish the cutlery included steak knives. I start slow on the red wine..

By the 2nd dish, I've taken about 5 glasses and feel the need for more. I tell the waitress at our table, who is this tomboyish girl. Mare thinks she's cute but Blaque will do anything to see her kind go down in flames.

Me: "I'm going to be drinking ALOT, I need you to pay close attention to this glass.."
She: "Oh ok. No problem.."
Me: "You need to constantly top this up for me, it should never be empty.. and I drink really fast.."
She: "Can can.. no problem."

Ros and some of her classic lines..

Ros: "You know when I was younger I always thought the Youth Flying Club was where people came together to make paper aeroplanes. Only much later did I realise that they actually taught you how to fly planes!"

Ros: "You get to keep hair like that in Uni?!"
Me: "Yea, there's no restriction.."
Ros: "Then how come Ngee Ann didn't allow.."
Blaque: "Cos Polys have Tammi!! WHAHAHAHAHA"

Ros: "When I was young, before Barbie had Ken, the only other male toys I had were G.I Joes. You know G.I stacks up against Barbie right, they're like this little and Barbie's like this huge bitch, so the only toy that could go out with her was Bravestar."

Nostalgic, I remember how none of my toys could realistically fuck barbie cos every other action figurine in that era, He-Man, Silverhawk, G.I Joe, were all around her waist level. Hence, it was always like Snow-White and the 104 darwfs.

In between Ros and I tried to figure out how else our social circles linked because she found me very familiar. She was heading to Happy after dinner and was asking the guys if they were keen on the idea. I grin widely.

Ros: "Yea I'll bet you'll love to go right, so your kind.."
Me: "What the hell you talking about? I'm straight!"
Ros: "But you have that hair thing going.."

Well, I don't really blame her for thinking I'm gay. I don't really have ruggedness written all over me. Well, I used to be boyish, somehow that turned into 'pretty boy' of late. Whatever, Im a slut if you know me. I've been to those clubs and I've seen how they eye my ass. Not so much in SG, the gays here don't seem to show the same desire in wanting to fuck me, but overseas im like sushi on a conveyor belt in a Sumo house. Gays should love me anyway if they know whats good for them. I look better than their boyfriends anyway.

Three guys come to join the table cos someone else sat on their seats and they didn't have a table. Let me do the math for you. 3 additional guys equals less for for 7 hungry people. This culminates into Social Tension, which thankfully can be mediated with alcohol and fags. Well, they have to be nice, we're the majority. Don't you just love bullying the minority, my government has taught me well.

Guy1: "Hey sorry about this.. I know you guys were hoping for an extra serving of sharksfin."

I turn to Mare,

Me: "Hoo shit, this guy is darn pretty smart."

My glass starts to empty and I call the waiter next to Blaque by his full name on the tag.

Me: "Huang XXX, can I get more red wine? I really need your help, this shit needs to be constantly full."

He didn't think I was very funny nor did he seem too happy that I called his name. Whatever, these $10 per hour waiters don't really take pride in their work.. What ever happened to customer satisfaction? Don't they have pre dinner prep talks these days? Fuck him. He stayed away from our table after that. I call the tomboy,

Me: "Ya not doing too good a job babe.. Eyes on the glass.. ALWAYS."

She probably hates me. Whateva... I'm a slave driver. I make people work at optimum output.

We half filled two glasses with whiskey then another 2 glasses of half filled Chinese tea as preperation for the toast with the bridegroom. Naturally, we had the glasses marked since they looked exactly identical, so that one of us would take the tea while he took the neat whiskey.

BP (the groom) picks the whiskey glass, Ryan (the bestman, on our side of course) takes the tea and he winches as he drinks. That was an Oscar worthy performance, Ros pats him.

Ros: "Moulmein high did you some good there.."

Naturally BP is never going to finish the drink, so his bro takes it for him. He drinks the whole thing, in one sitting. Now thats impressive, and if I say so, you better believe it. This goes on for a couple of tables, and in each instance, BP's brother steps in to rescue him. By the time he's done and goes on stage to give instructions about how to use the complimentary carpark coupon, it's pretty obvious he's smashed.

1. He was slurring alittle
2. He was saying obvious things like, "Slot the card into the machine which is on the driver's side of the car when you wind down the window."

After awhile the red wine stopped coming entirely, I wasn't too happy with it, but I had enough in me to be mildly satisfied. I start debating with Blaque over drunk driving procedures.

Blaque: "You can choose not to blow one.."
Me: "Fuck yew bitch! I wuss IN the fuckin' cell.. I went through da fucking shit! Yew have to fuckin' blow.."
Blaque: "Can choose not to blow lah."
Me: "What yew think this is? Multiple choice? Yew have to blow! They'll tell yew that if yew donch blow, they will blood sample yew."

Leaving this, I'd have to say that the wedding was pretty good and it's always weird seeing someone you literally grew up with getting hitched, and there you are stuck. What the fuck is happening? If girls think I'm cute why isn't any one doing anything?!?! Well I wondered that out loud the other day, and the reply I had was "Cos you are an asshole." The least favourite reply was LB's,

LB: "Why do people keep saying you are pretty ah? I think you are ugly."

I love weddings, they never fail to make me wonder how much I'll make out of it next time. I have another one in a few more days, and I might cry seeing my sister walk down that isle. For real, I love my sister to bits. Oh well, then that's where alcohol comes in.


At 11:00 AM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

I haven been invited to a wedding yet~! Mind your liver and waiters are paid less then $10 per hour if I'm not wrong.

At 4:49 AM, Blogger The Butterfly said...

issit?? i always thought they get paid quite well.

At 11:45 PM, Anonymous elmo said...

not even ten per hour! just about six bucks per hour. its pathetic

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