Thursday, April 20, 2006

Things you should know about me

Everything is about me and it should be if they know whats good for them. Though my keystrokes heralds in amusement for you as I divulge you in the intimacies of my lampoon dating life, there needs to an arrestment of humor pointed at me. Most of what I say is true, minus the analogies which are exaggerated to the brim of absurdity. I equivocate the explicitness sometimes to keep things lucid, but that doesn't mean I lie.

1. As much as I enjoy alluring you into my world, I'm actually growing tired of my social somnambulism, floating from one person to another. Firstly, the situations I get myself into aren't really funny to be in, it may be funny for you because I write it as such. I bring you hilarity at my expense. Some of you have written in telling me you think my stories are funny, and I appreciate the compliment. For those that like this enough to link me, I love you even more. Better so if you had bought me drinks.

word of thanks: Hey credit where credit is due. Jack, Mizu Bunny and D'Punk. I'm not sure if I missed out any, let me know if I missed you out. And to those who posted this url on forums. Thanks. When I first wrote, I had a catchment of 5 readers, all the original fishing crew and I kept this URL largely annoymous. This site leaked and Im beginning to think its a good thing.
Thats the problem with annoymous blogs, no one knows about it.

2. Why on earth did I choose to be called Butterfly?

No, for the anus happy closet princesses who grew up eyeing Ken over Barbie and never understood why He-Man toys did not come with detachable undies, I am not gay. Neither do I have the slightest tendencies to play for the other team. I'll stick to digging holes than climbing poles any day.

I used this because my Thai female friends call me that. Why? Well for starters, I float from one person to another, switch interest to the next hottie that comes along and decide no one is worth more than 2 weeks of my time. A good bra size generally gains bonus days, so does sharp noses and perky asses. If you fucking lie about your age, original sex at birth or have STDs, you will be hated by me and I will not friend you. My daddy has a bigger gun than your daddy.

3. I am shameless. When it comes to drinks, I have no clear conscience on who I rip off. Poor and stingy people should stay away from me. When I start drinking, I think everything is a good idea. The repercussions of this is usually a very heavy drink tab, in the hundreds.

4. I might not have a liver, or its in the process of filing a divorce. On good nights, I can take a good number of drinks, the most I remember without passing out is in Adelaide. Thats 22 drinks, you can go read my conquest of the bottles here. Those who've been drinking with me can attest to this. I'm not an excellent drinker, but if you see me drink you'll think I'm mad because I skull everything. Binge drinking is what I do best.

5. I believe that obesity is a crime. If you have thoughts on robbing KFC and you've not seen your dick for a while, its probably time to get one of those iGallop, tell them you want it upsized. I'm serious, fat people should pay double for cover charge to a club. I don't care, I doubt there's any fatties reading this because you'd have stopped after reading my past posts and I'd have recieved hate mail.

Speaking of hate mail. I have 1 to date. I love it. It's from a guy, I bet he's just jealous that I won't fuck him.

6. I'm a teaser, but I never chat ladies up when I'm sober. Neither am I good at picking them up. I fuck up conversational structures. Hence, I rather (usually) be picked up. The bad thing is that the QC in this instance might fall below the decency belt. But hey, if you give me a valid enough reason to fuck you, I might.

7. I'm very lazy. I cannot imagine life without a remote control. I'm however usually enthusiastic about sex. I usually want to do alot of stuff and I hate it when my partner lacks my drive.

Me: "Turn around.. I want to fuck you from behind."
She: "Can we not? I hate it.. it's so porn.."
Me: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!?! Do we look like we are playing chess here?! TURN AROUND!"

8. I hate being tickled. Avid readers and close friends should know about this. I react badly to tickling, I'm not kidding. The last girl who challenged this statement has a broken nose to show for. Hands up those who've single handed broken a girl's nose and still manage to get her interested in sex. Its here.

Tickling is a good way to initiate sex if you need to bridge that distance between you and your date. Just make sure to check that your date and you are not allergic to tickles. If I'm dating you, DO NOT even try that on me, unless you have a rhinoplasty appointment coming up.

9. I like boobs. The bigger the better unless they defy gravity through silicon aid. I've narrated my story about the fake boobs, but did I tell you the story about the mosquito bite sized tits?
Its a wonder what push up bra and thick padding does. Its like David Blaine mindfucking those innocent passerbys, except this time I know where the magic comes from. It reads"Triumph".

The thing about small tits is that, there's nothing much to do with it. You can try squeezing it but pinching it would pretty much be the same. The plus point is that you don't have to worry about it being fake. My silicon gel has more buldge than that.

10. I once coughed phlem onto this girl's hair at a club. I didn't do it on purpose neither did I realise the importance of covering ones mouth till then. I felt bad for a second, then decided that I would ease my guilt with an intemperate feast of alcholic hedonism. I've said wicked things, usually under the agency of alcohol and the perturbance of ugliness or obesity. I feel bad.. for the stuff I've said. The last mean thing I said to a girl..

Me: "I didn't know having small tits gives you priority in cutting queue these days."

11. I love tattoos. I have two nicely concealed tattoos, both of which are designed by me. I absolutely love girls with tattoos. HOWEVER, I don't remember bedding anyone with a tattoo. I might be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure I haven't. And most girls I date don't really appreciate tattoos, although they like the one I have on my hip cos they think its sexy, but they generally do not like me toggling with the idea of a third.

I have one on the pelvic which I'm beginning to think is a bad place. I've had two girls asking about my tattoo in the middle of giving head.

She: "Hey, this is nice... what's it suppose to mean?"
Me: "DO WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS NOW??!!!"

12. I'm not too good with bras. Well I'm alot better now. I used to fumble through it then start cursing when I can't find the hook.

Me: "WHAT FUCK OF A BRA IS THIS?? WHERE IS THE FUCKING HOOK??!! THERE IS NO HOOK??!!"
She: "ermm, its at the front."
Me: "What the fuck is it doing there?! They need to keep it at the same place, its not good when I can't find the keys to my house."

I've spoilt about 2 bras because the hooks pissed me off so badly I pulled the damn thing off her like a T-shirt. Apparently some bras have wires which might warp and bras are really expensive. I found it out myself first hand. Not funny.

Now, I give the bras a try. If I find it too complicating or I have enough alcohol in me to fuck toadstools, I try to stay clear.

Me: "You need to take 'em off before I come in and destroy everything Victoria Secrets has built."

13. I believe in love and I believe in platonic friendship. My best friend Huixx is a girl, and she drives men crazy. However, most platonic friendship ends up in bed. Not mine. Not until we're 70. Guys are all sluts, no one is ever going to invest so much time and effort in a girl that they want only to be friends with. IF you are one, you are marching on self-denial or you are gay. Im serious, homosexuality can hit you out of nowhere, its an airborne disease much like necrophilia and tourettes. If suddenly you wake up erected to that David Beckham poster on your room wall, you know that I'm right. Hey, I warned you.

14. I'm writting this having come back from a wine tasting. I drank a bottle myself. My dad is the only one proud of me and my mum is nagging about my liver. I might write this later.

19 Comments:

At 9:13 AM, Blogger mizu bunnie said...

wish i can fuck care like u. bunnie's life is dominated. so uninteresting ya.

 
At 1:37 PM, Anonymous hawk said...

hahahaha i like point no.7 and 12. I use to have prbs with bras when i was younger

 
At 1:02 AM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

I LOVE this entry. Reminded me of myself when I was younger..

 
At 6:24 AM, Anonymous dougedoug said...

I must say that I love your writing. When i saw u i always imagined u to be some Taiwanese boyband dropout. I read the crazy bitch story, oh my gawd, you really do look like Xiao Zhu! tsk tsk.

i'm truly impressed by ur style of writing, its almost poetic. to be honest, I had to check the dictionary on a few words you used hahaha ;p.

 
At 9:59 AM, Blogger Scarletr0se said...

LOL. hi butterfly. hahahhaa.

 
At 1:50 PM, Blogger The Butterfly said...

Bunnie> being dominated doesn't mean you cant have fun ;). i do have consequences for leading the life i do, and its not very pleasant sometimes.

hawk> i like points 1 to 12. =)

HB> haaa im sure it does, there's a wild child in you thats burning out with time. its always good to hold on to a bit of the past.

doug> yes i know. I have ALOT of people telling me that i look like him. hence, its better to jus focus on my writing.

oomiakoo> hi sweetheart, enjoy the ride.

 
At 5:23 PM, Anonymous Ecstasy said...

Xiao Zhu? Haha. Well as long as you're attracting females like those hot taiwanese talkshow guests it's good. Had to hunker down and really study for exams lately. Can't fail just coz I earn big bucks and party haha. All the best for yours too if they haven't passed yet.

 
At 12:50 AM, Blogger Hecate said...

you sure you're anonymous?

there's something you might want to know. and i shouldn't be saying it where the whole world can see.

=)

 
At 3:17 AM, Blogger The Butterfly said...

Hecate> maybe i didnt write it clear. it was supposed to be annoymous when i started. but hey if u can identify me thru my bad photoshopping then good, there's nothing i can do about it.

so if theres something i must know then tell me. private mail, public shout, into my ear.. any way is good.

 
At 11:35 AM, Anonymous Ecstasy said...

Don't think there's many people in NUS with your hairstyle dude haha. Wouldn't be hard for someone from your school who reads this blog to say recognise you. Your crystal ball for this weekend? Beware of stalkers and a sudden influx of free alcohol heh

 
At 2:43 PM, Blogger The Butterfly said...

actually its ok if people from NUS recognise me, cos i'm graduating this sem. So consequence has little time to catch up with me.

 
At 1:06 AM, Blogger The Butterfly said...

hecate... i think i know wat u mean. hmmm how did u even managed to link to me?

 
At 6:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha i like the bra tales, i'll take note to remind whoever fucks me next where my bra hook is - just in case.

 
At 1:41 AM, Blogger Jack said...

nice entry. or should i say, superb. for someone who dares to speak up and reinforcing it with live action. a rare find in this thoughtless society.

 
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