Tuesday, April 25, 2006

The Butterfly Hospital Saga pt 1

As much as I'd like to give you fresh recounts of my hook up catastrophies, there isn't any of late that has managed to scar me further. If you truly love me and care for me, you'd want whats best for me, and that is to never collide with any fuck hook ups ever. Well, then where's the entertainment of that. Maybe 1 a month would be nice, and pray that I get some good sex along the way, because BOY HAS IT BEEN LONG! I'm almost forgetting that sex is fun. Seriously.

That out of the way. I have tons to write on. My past is still littered with stories. However, these stories actually reflect me in a bad light. Wait, most of my stories does, so humour me if I decide to garnish a few self-compliments randomly. There was a period I sent 3 days in the hospital on attachment. I call them the Hospital Saga, this was a dark time where I could have possibly caused the death of countless innocent patients. Really.

I confess, prior to this attachment, I have learnt practically nothing from the weeks of medical lecture. Deciding that random ranting with bombastic words like "Pneumothorax" and "Cystectomy" do not sound as interesting as "necrophilla" or "fellatio", I embrace sleep. This turns out to be a bad idea.

We have to experience every section of the A&E ward, from the triage to the observatory to the operating theatres. If you ask me, this is all a waste of time, I only have interest in the the very hot Agency nurse, Farah, and the very hot receptionist. The other perks include watching shrievelled penises of 60yr old men and saggy tits of 70yr old ladies, not forgetting clearing their faeces. Wow, this is a treat, senectitude porn. I don't think there's a greater motivation to be a nurse.

Farah is everything a hot bodied attachment personnel can ask for. You'll never see any nurse with a skirt higher up the knee than this. If there was a dress code rule book, she'd have violated one for

a) Wearing a uniform two sizes smaller than your actual size, and
b) Wearing bright pink G-Strings under translucent white skirts

This girl is the reason people in hospital often die from hyertension. The Devil left her there to expediate death rate. Other than that, she's pretty much an angel. Her, strutting across the room to tend to patients and bending over, is enough to bring flatliners back to life.

The only other one contesting for my attention is the receptionist. I had to stand around the counter for half a day looking pretty and doing nothing before she started talking to me. Well she asked me some irrelevant question about the patient. Fuck them, who gives a damn, it shouldn't always be about them anyway.

The Triage Story - ECG

This Fillipina nurse picks me to pair up with her, largely cos she needs me as a translator. She will soon regret ever choosing me.

My first task is to perform an ECG on this Indian man. This should not be too much of a hassle, I do remember learning this albeit vaguely. Hey Im an avid Care-Bear sticker collector when young, how hard is sticking lids going to be. I remind myself, two above the left nipple and the rest will fall in place. Simple..

I remove his shirt and..

HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS!!! WHERE ARE THE NIPPLES?!??!?!

This is bad, Im in serious trouble. I think I have Han Solo's Wookie lying down infront of me, and he might not have a nipple. This guy is a testimonial of too much testosterone. I don't think its actually legal to have that much chest hair growing on one spot. It just looks like one large pubic area, somewhere under the tress of hair might be the penis. I proceed with caution.

I comb his hair aside while feeling for the 2nd and 4th chest cavity. From the lump I make out to be the nipple, I paste the lids and hit the button for the print out.

beep...beep.. BEEP.. ERROR. What the fuck?!?!

I apologise and explain to him my botch on the ECG.

Me: "Ermm..Sir.. I'm sorry but I have to do it again.. sorry its my first day..."
Him: "Young man, it is ok. You just do vat you harve to do.."

The painful part ain't the sticking. Its the removing, much like a good wax. I remove the lids, the wookie twitch a couple times over and now his chest has sporadic bald patches which gives better visual on his exo-anatomy. This is good for me.

beep..beep.. BEEP.. ERROR.

I apologise profusely again, wookie's patience seems to be waning but he nonetheless makes a very stupid move. He encourages me.

Him: "Its ok, one more time. You can do it."

beep...beep..BEEP.. ERROR.

The look on his face can only be described as priceless as the realisation of a yet botched attempt reaches him. A 80 yr old heroin addict prostitute would have had more life in her face than wookie, who went absolutely pale.

Me: "Ermm.. Sir.. I..."
Him: "Son.. get the nurse..get the nurse."

I'd have almost burst into a hearty laugh if it weren't for my incompetency that put me in this spot in the first place. The nurse comes to rectify the problem, turns out that it had nothing to do with the lids, but rather, a loose connection of one of the cuffs at the ankle. Oops.

The Triage Story - Blood Sample

"Taking blood sample is simple. You just twist and staple." Everyone says that. Sounds simple, even I can't screw this up. My victim is an old lady half paralyzed by stroke. My nurse had previously shown me the simplicity of it. It works like a stapler. I have stapled many stuff before, this ought to be 'criminally insulting my intelligence' easy.

I twist, staple, granny fidgits.. and NO BLOOD! What the hell? I fucked up stapling a finger? I should just stick to drinking and getting pissed drunk. Saving lives is not for me. I decide to try again. Twist, staple.. granny twitches again but no blood. Either she has no running blood in her veins or Im really stupid enough to strangle myself with a cordless phone. This is wonderful, I can add 'terrorising grannies' to my list of notoriety.

The nurse stares at me and decides to give it a go. Twist, staple.. press..

3 Blood Spots Emerge.... oops

That was the final straw. She relegates me to just taking temperature and blood pressure. Its sort of damage control. She figured that I can't possibly kill anyone sticking thermos into their ear, unless of cos I break their ear drums. Well, its me.. anything is possible. I have the tendency to spring a surprise fuck up on people just when they think they have it all covered.

The thing is, I'm not made for medical shit. Put me in a medical environment is like watching retards take a Spelling Bee on MSN. You'll think nothing can go wrong, but we always find a way to screw things up and leave you flabbergasted.

You think this is bad? This is just the beginning...

9 Comments:

At 12:01 PM, Anonymous Ecstasy said...

This has nothing to do with your post, but ever thought of retiring from binge drinking? Saw today's new paper headlines in the straits times "34 year old man dies from a night of binge drinking" lol. Poor guy. I quit from binge awhile back coz none of my friends could keep up anymore and i couldn't wake up the next morning and still run 2.4km haa. But I still enjoy drinking. When I get high I make everyone else drink and its hilarious to see them all get wasted too. Drinks next weekend?

 
At 2:46 PM, Blogger The Butterfly said...

yea i read about it.

I shld be at Devil's bar on Sat for some frend's bday. I hear it's free alcohol.

Sunday I'll be at my friend's wedding. My first $80 summon. I shld be drinking alot then too.

My exams ends 3rd May, I'll have a alcohol bash and you have to come join me.

 
At 10:47 PM, Anonymous Ecstasy said...

Ahah. Exam period too? Mine ends on the 2nd, and it's not going well at all. Been slacking too much and now I'm paying for it. All the best for your exams too mate. Catch you on the 3rd!

 
At 5:54 PM, Blogger The Butterfly said...

yea... fucking around with my studies is an understatement. all the best to ya too. we'll go kill our brains n liver after the 3rd.

 
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