Thursday, May 04, 2006

Drunk Butterfly nearly dies

I need to learn moderation. This is a word that is almost absent in my dictionary of partying and social cues. I wake to a VERY bad hangover, and contemplate over peeing in my bed than having to walk to the toilet.

This is what happened the night before..

Over dinner with my parents at Cricket Club, my dad's friend who is the CEO of Hyflux buys me drinks at the bar. This is even before I've had my dinner. My mum tells me to moderate my drinking, reminding me that drinking on an empty stomach is bad for the health. I ignore the ministry of health's warning and proceed with the obliteration of my liver. I get a glass of Whiskey soda.

note: The whiskey soda that they serve at the bar is way different from that in a club. Its alot more potent.

In our proceeding conversation, I realise that his son is actually a teaching assistant in NUS. This drags the conversation on even longer, and he goes on to buy me another 3 glasses. By the time I'm done with my 3rd glass, everyone else is on their 1st glass. My dad is in awe of me, CEO loves me and my mum is pissed at me for drinking again. The world is beautiful. I take my 4th glass and head for dinner.

After dinner, I head to Zouk to meet Huixx because she has two people she wants me to meet. One is an Argentinian Oil Tycoon and another is a 20yr old guy who is the son of his business partner. Huixx warns me that this boy is tall and good looking but alittle spoilt. This worries me.

Me: "shit.. I don't like it when I'm not the prettiest."
Huixx: "hahahaha..... he can't dethrone you la. but i warn you, he's a diamond in the rough"
Me: "as long as he plays for the same team as me.. alls good."

This is going to be a magical night and I don't need a crystal ball and some ugly gypsy telling me this. I know all this when I have two magical words whispered in my ear. "Free Drinks". This begins the genesis of my physical and social degradation.

Argentinian Tycoon looks alot like a cross between Andy Gracia and Al Pacino, somewhere in the line Frodo Baggins comes in. This guy is short, but he's funny. I'll call him Diego. The young guy, Jarr is almost as how Huixx describes. He reminds me of Jason Scott Lee in his rendition of Bruce Lee. We kick it off pretty well. Hey it's me, everybody should love me. I cannot understand why girl's bf's hate me.

We head to Velvet and Diego pays for all our cover, then opens a bottle of champagne. I take a sip, this is good stuff, I drink more. Huixx turns to Diego.

Huixx: "This guy can really drink, you got to watch his glass.."

I start talking to BB about my trip to Adelaide and how all of them there were great people to hang with. Brief history, BB is the catalyst that chanced the meeting between Minori and me, she's her good friend and studied in Adelaide. When I was in Adelaide, after everyone referred to me as "the one without the liver", they told me stories of BB and what an alcoholic she was. Naturally, alot of them would later come to ask. "So who's better? BB or you?".

Diego comes over to tell me stuff about Huixx,

Diego: "I'm crazy about this girl.."
Me: "You and 1000 other men. From what I hear, you're at the top for now.."
Diego: "What do I have to do to stay at the top?"
Me: "You could pay me to kill the others. I'm a trained ninja."

Diego on knowing that Huixx is attending my sis wedding in a room filled with waterpolo hunks.

Diego: "For every name of a guy you give me its $100, if there's a picture its $200. Addresses, I'll give you $1000. We'll have them killed."

We shift to Phuture cos Velvet really sucks. Its an environment made for pensioners to play chess and OD on acid jazz. The moment we get there, I start meeting ALOT of school mates. People whom I've never spoken to in school and suddenly we are best friends. One of them is this very cute Malay girl whom I didn't recognise under the light.

She: "Don't need study already ah?"

I stare blankly at her for a moment. Then smiled, and decided that I should really get to know her name. Diego buys alot more drinks, to a point that I've lost track of how much juice there is running through my veins. Half the NUS student population is there. After awhile, the drinks begin kicking in, which is a bad thing when people start tapping me and my immediate reaction is, "Hey!!" then start waving bye. If my MNO female classmate is reading this, its the drinks sweetheart. I wanted to talk to you.

Diego buys a tray of apple shooters and a tray of Evian Water. This is a virginal clubbing experience for me. People toasting Evian bottles, this is bad imaging for me. I can't be seen holding a mineral bottle at a club. This is absolutely discordant to my alcoholic postulation that drunk is better. Then Diego pulls another stunt. Tipping the waiter $200. I'm not bullshiting. This guy practically tosses money away.

Huixx starts pulling random girls to ask who they find cuter, Jarr or me. I offer the girl that picks me a drink,

Me: "Here, drink this, I spent alot of effort spiking the drink."

She looks at me wide eyed. I see stupidity written across that face. Its Like Helloooo! Fuck her, she's not that goodlooking enough for me to explain that it was meant to be a joke. Which part of that line isn't obvious enough? Do people who spike drinks blatantly reveal their intentions? Stupid people should really stay home, and not drink since drinking makes one dumber.

Zeekay comes to find me and I drag him on a social rampage. At this point, I've gone beyond my threshold to make rational decisions and I start thinking EVERYTHING is a good idea. Even drinking again. I eye everyone lustfully and smile at anything that looks remotely decent and slim enough to qualify as 1 person.

I start chasing skirts, dragging Zeekay with me telling him. "I'm going to hit on fat girls, this is going to be fun."

I've never smiled to so many random strangers in my life. Alcohol makes me friendly, and I think I made the best decision of the night by getting pissed drunk. Choosing alcohol has made me a better man, choose life, choose Alcohol.

I pay $30 for two drinks and forget to take the change. I'm not too happy with this.

I start sprouting rubbish outside the club, get into a disagreement with Zeekay about two girls. I claimed that we were talking to them in the club, Zeekay thinks the juice is getting to me. I start walking.

Zeekay: "Where the fuck are you going? The taxi queue is here!"
Me: "We're going to catch a cab.."

And I start walking.. This is Zeekay's account of it. It differs ALOT from how I remember things to be. I recall Zeekay walking, and me shouting to him.

Me: "Where the fuck are we going??!!!"

In the taxi, Zeekay laments about his girl breaking up with him. In the instance of him pouring his heart out, I tell him.

Me: "Shut the fuck up.... and pass me the plastic bag."

I start belching.


I vomit enough to fill a shot glass. The Taxi driver continuously eyes me with contempt. Zeekay gets off and throws $2 at me. I fall asleep and wake up just as the cab pulls to my place.. Huh.. did I even say where I was going? Psychic cab drivers, just the thing drunks like me need.

I get home and start falling over the toilet bowl.


I spend a good 15mins giving the toilet seat the best blowjob I can. Literally, I kissed alot of ass. The amount of ass on that seat.. everything can be tasted off my lips. I hate to imagine the next girl kissing me. Then as I lie there motionless, my mum comes to rescue me. As she tells me, apparently I puked on myself. This is classic me.

I wake up today to the WORST fucking hangover. The fucking head was throbbing unbelievably like someone had kicked me over and left my head in a mixing bowl. This is worse than having to listen to N'Sync. I felt terrible, like I was going to die. The last time I felt this miserable was when this girl gave me terrible head but refused to let me fuck her. I hate alcohol.

I run to the toilet to puke again. In between me kneeling over the bowl and puking I decide that maybe I should not drink so much on Friday. I start tearing, gagging over my inability to vomit anything. This is worse than growing limp during sex.

I puke sweet stuff, figure that to be the bird's nest I just had. I see lumps, yeap there goes the bird's nest. Then I start tasting something bitter in my mouth... taste like.. taste like..


I am puking my bile out!! This is no longer funny. In the following 30 secs of me bent over the toilet bowl, tearing, vomiting and choking, I realised how much stress I'm giving my liver. I have an epiphany. No shit, Mum was right after all. Drinking is bad. I look absolutely horrible.

Zeekay calls to tell me he slept on the pavement till 6am. Nothing beats me. My mum spends a large part of the day laughing at me. Not funny, I almost died. I remember the things Thanh told me about people with bad livers and alcohol poisoning.

"One day, your liver is going to die three years before you do."


At 6:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha your writing really amused me!

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