Butterfly goes to Bali... Bombing ensues

If you haven’t already heard, yes there was a bomb blast again. I don’t want you to read in hope about some story of me hooking up with the native chicks and then read about the blast and go "What? There was a bomb?". I really wished I could tell u about the babes and the topless sunbathing in detail but the bomb shit is going to steal the thunder anyway, since it fucking robbed me of one full night out in the town. And so the story goes..

Some huge screw up in the hotel transfer arrangements left us stranded without a pick up service. The upside to that was I believe in atonement, the hotel upgraded us to a deluxe villa.

It came with a private pool, a cabana and it was double storied. It was the very sort you’d drool over while flipping brochures of "Best Fucking Hotel Places In the World". My parents had some deluxe suite with we made a very stale attempt to gush over. Let’s face it, rooms without private pools just blows.

Before you actually run off to make reservations, I hear the going rate is US$750 per night. Which totally sucks because it'll probably meant I’ll never be stepping back into the place anytime soon.

Perhaps it was the jet lag or cabin pressure, but my dad caught a serious bout of youth fever and he insisted on going drinking with us. Some 2 beers and 300 metres later, he threw in the towel, which was perfect because the night was still young and I really wanted to soak up the local fervor.

I didn’t have my fishermen with me, just my sis, Nig (my brother in law) and Dennis (my cousin). It was a motley crew of blood relations and a moral beacon in the form of my sister, who fell on the opposite end of the moral spectrum from me. It was my makeshift entourage barging into the first crowded bar we came to.

I’ve already had two beers and a frozen margarita so with the last round of drinks I’ve pretty much crossed the legal driving limit. No one gives a shit about it. The place sucked. The girls were ugly, the dance floor is filled with people who cannot dance and the only saving grace was workable toilet flush. This was the only place you would get to see the Macarena and salsa actively being fused together.

I finally spotted this gal in white tube who was the perhaps the only girl I’ve seen all night without a belly and saggy ass. I was in love already.

12.15am: I head to the toilet. The Bintang Beer is working my bladder hard.
12.18am: I walk past the dance floor and this girl in white taps my arm. She has two other gals. I smile and they start giggling. Other than the white one, the rest will kill a full erection in 4 secs. I do the only sensible thing and head back to drown myself with beer and hope they look better later.
12.20am: I tell my sis about them. They are still ugly. I drink much faster.
12.23am: Dennis and me head to the dance floor. I cannot possibly let the white men steal the night.
12.24am: One of the girls in red starts to rub up to him. Dennis leans over to tell me. "She's damn horny" yes, but she's also damn ugly.
12.26am: I make small talk with the girl in white. She's called Suci and she's going on and on about how she loves SG. Whatever, I pay no attention to conversations without my favourite key words.
12.43am: We decide to return to the room to fully enjoy our private pool. I just love the sound of that.

We headed to the opposite convenience store to grab some booze. After some deliberation and coaxing our budding restlessness, I decided to ask the gal in white to come back with us.

Me: "You wanna head back to my hotel, we can continue to drink there"
Suci: "Ok ok you wait for me I ask my friends"

She brings one of her cuter friends along. Dennis immediately steps up to take his role as the wingman. Then it started to rain, almost as if God was telling me something. Then it begins to get heavier to the point where the girls absolutely refused to watch in the rain any more and headed off. I make no attempt to stop them. God made His point.

The pool was the best thing to happen on this trip. The rain stopped as soon as we got back and we wasted no time diving in and drinking ourselves silly in the pool. This was the life. 35mins later. This was not the life. I want babes. Being in a kick ass pool with no one to wrap my arms around is seriously wrong.

We made the long walk back. The pubs were emptying out. The group of gals were gone. The people there though I was Japanese and started talking to me in Japanese. I started some pseudo Jap accent and rumblings to confuse them. We walk into this club and 5 metres into it, I felt something wrong. For one, the ratio of females to males was like walking into China’s one child policy! I see topless men kissing. I see all the men smiling at me. I was Gisele walking into Pulau Tekong.

We got out and this group of Ladyboys started calling me over. Being a seasoned hand at dealing with them, I answer their request. I winked, smiled and walked off, only for them to start running after me. The ladyboys here are nothing like the beauty queens of Thailand. This guy came up to me in his Gay-as-the-day English slang and started chatting me up. He wanted to take me to a disco.

2.23am: Gay boy here is holding my hands.
2.24am: Gay boy wants to kiss me. He tries to kiss me. I start pushing him away.
2.26am: Gay boy is SO fucking into me. He starts whispering sweet nothings to me.
2.27am: Gay boy offers me 1 Million Ruppiahs to sleep with him

Gay boy: “I'll pay you 1 million Ruppiahs to fuck you.”
Me: “I'll give you 2 million Ruppiahs to fuck off.”
Gay boy: “You are so not straight, I know a gay when I see one.”
Me: “Ohhh, ya gaydar really needs oiling sweetie. I’m straight as hell.”
Gay boy: “No, you are so not straight.. you want to fuck me..”
Me: “I only fuck Japanese, dude.”

That went totally wrong. What I actually meant to say like was "I only fuck Japs..". ‘Dude' was a totally wrong punctuation. Gay boy is ever so convinced I was twisted and he started forcing his lips on me. In any case, we left because I was being molested for free just by standing there. We decided to call it a night. There was a long day left to be engaged by the throat.

Day 2

We were up by 8.30. The beach was beautiful, the waves were mesmerizing, and the women were topless. I love Bali and I love the nudist. I spent pretty much the entire day under the sun. I've never enjoyed the pool more, solely because girls actually sun tan topless there. The novelty of my field trip of boobs died out pretty fast since I don’t fancy Caucasians to begin with, so seeing them topless was anything but erotically stimulating.

Everyone there thought I’m Japanese. It’s the association with all yellow skinned tourist. They think every Asian there is from Japan. Everyone started a conversation with us in Jap and we wpuld lose them mid way through, ‘Konichiwa..”

The locals there have a problem with taking rejections. They kept bugging me to do a Henna despite me telling them I only do real ones. They don’t know a "No" when they hear one and they keep retorting, "ok ok tomorrow you come back I give u good price". I don’t want a good price.

I got random people coming up to tell me they loved the Samoan tattoo I have at my hips, and which guy I did it from. I don’t understand how people can’t tell a Henna from a real tattoo. My mum loves my tattoo. Hands up if your parents tell you they love your tattoo (She thinks its fake, but for that 20 seconds, my mum was actually cool).

Dennis and I took a really long walk down the beach. There was this really pretty girl (half Dutch- half Indo, all hot chick) which was pretty much the best thing the whole afternoon. I got hit on by this group of ladies/aunties. I really don't know if they were Jap (three of them really looked like one) cos they said something to me in Jap and when I turned to smile, they started giggling and smiling like 15yr olds. One of them was topless and her post C cup boobs having seen better days was beckoning me to go over. I hold a board meeting with Dennis to evaluate the situation. He does not share my sentiments of a Saturday afternoon with saggy titted ladies as being conducive.

If u guys know nothing about the sex tourism trade in Bali, then I need to catch u up to speed. Women come here to find boy toys. Jap women are known to come here to seek Kuta Cowboys (local surfers). I get a calling. I am obviously living in the wrong country. And now the story proper.

We went for dinner at some seafood joint at Jimbaran, and if you have been following Diana Ser closely through the evening news, you'll know that that was the place two of the bombs went off.

7.37pm: We get to the place. It’s bustling with tourist. It’s by the beach and hordes of people are already eating.
7.46pm: Everyone goes to pick the seafood. Nig and me stay behind
7.50pm: We hear a loud BOOM. Sounds like an explosion. Everyone rushes to the beach to see what’s happening. The thought of a bomb blast actually crept into my head.
7.51pm: The local people at the place is telling us to relax cos it’s apparently some fireworks. I walk back to my table.
7.52pm: A second louder BOOM. We feel the impact of this one.
7.53pm: The locals are still using the fireworks explanation. Well, Indo's are bad liars. The sky is totally clear. Fireworks are obviously done indoors in Bali. This Indo guy says something in Bahasa to me with some hand actions. I think he was trying to say "Godzilla”. And he starts laughing. I mumbled, "So.Not.Funny".

We continued with dinner although Nig was sensing something amiss because phone calls started pouring in at the place. I was glad to oblivious to such shit because I continue eating my lobsters and crabs like it was just a two gun salute and I was pretty sure the Prime Minister’s speech was coming up.

Then reality set in. Dad got a call from his friend about the bombings. The phone lines are jammed and my sis started getting tensed. My parents started spreading news of our safety through my mum's friend who managed to contact us. I am the only person sulking. The ride back was quiet and silent, not a word breathed between us. The driver was disturbed and looked like he was ready to cry. The roads are jammed and the ambulance siren was constantly blasting as dozens of them weaved through the traffic.

This was fucked up. I had planned to party the night away but what was I going to do now? I really didn’t want to be spending my last night in Bali sleeping early. The bombing was doing me in, big time.

Me: "So quiet in here.."
Sis: "Then sing a song.. "

I started humming, then stopped when I realised I was singing "Never Say Goodbye". Probably not the best song selection. I think of songs from Mary Poppins. I wanted to sing "Supercalifragilisticispialdocious", but it was pretty unlikely my parents were going to turn into the Brady Bunch sing-along, so I decided to shut up instead.

We get back to the hotel and checked up on the latest. Some guy informed us that five bombs went off. One at Kuta which was about under 7km from our hotel, two at Jimbaran Bay, which was where we ate and two at Nusa Dua, which was where we were originally slated to stay.

My dad is the kind that can never remember details. If you have a 5 word sentence, you’ll lose him at the third. Every time we started talking about the bomb at Jimbaran and he’d go, "We were at Jimbaran?". Every other line is shocking new discovery to him.

3mins later he’d be at, "Huh? There were five bombs?". He has no idea what our hotels name was either. And it eventually got to a point where we wondered if he was even with us at Bali.

Dad: "So the bomb went off at Jimbaran and we were eating at Nusa Dua?"

It was pointless. I called for a whiskey dry and apparently whiskey dry is served neat on the rocks. I knocked it back and called for an Absolut Vanilla with coke. When we got back to the room to check the news. We realized how close to the catastrophe we were. I started complaining about not being able to party and dozed offer shortly after.

Day 3

We started the day like we did yesterday. The beach was empty but the tourists at the hotel were going about life as usual. I ordered room service and had breakfast in the pool. Mum says something to me about not eating while in the water. I ignored her.

Round Eyes called me to check if I was okay. He told me this hilarious story about how Sue and LB got so worried about me that they made everyone else panic as well.

XY called shortly after about being so worried after reading the papers, that she repeatedly kept me on redial all morning. Sue called to say she actually went to the airport to check on my details. We have a winner. We checked out and left the place shortly after lunch. The airport had tightened up security and we had to pass endless checks and queues.

Two Jap ladies were standing behind me. My mum called me over to join their queue, which was moving a lot faster. I acted like I was on holiday alone and ignored her. Traveling with parents cannot possibly be an attractive trait women love in men.

Mum: “Did you like the holiday?”
Me: “We nearly died and I stayed in on a Saturday night. I’m sure this will qualify as the best holiday ever.”